So I had this dream...

No, not THAT dream...

So last night, I'm all crashed out hard asleep, and I start having this dream. Now, I don't remember the beginning or middle parts, but they're not in any way pertinent to this story I'm about to unfold here, so I'm not too worried about that. What I can remember is that it was one of those crazy, twisted dreams that takes you down some winding road of unrelated events that all seem perfectly related to each other, because it's a dream, and everything in dreams makes sense. Like the ones where you're eating spaghetti with Morgan Freeman or whatever, and you somehow end up fighting a dragon with a railgun in a totally different time and place about ten minutes later, and it all somehow makes perfectly fine damn sense. You know, that kind of dream. But once again, that's not the part of the story that matters.

So anyway, somehow, I end up playing outside linebacker for the Chicago Bears. And it's in an actual, by-god NFL game, but for some reason, it's being held in what I'm pretty sure was a high school gymnasium, like on a basketball court and everything. Don't ask me why - It was a dream. It was apparently taking place this year, because I totally remember that Hunter Hillenmeyer was lined up in the middle, indicating that Brian Urlacher was all arm-crippled off to the side somewhere. It might be the only time someone's dream of NFL glory has in any way involved Hunter Hilenmeyer. But I digress. I can't remember who we were playing, but I'm assuming it was the Vikings, because I remember that the other team had a really good running back that I was all nervous about having to go up against. And sure enough, the one play that happens in this game, they hand off to that dude. And he's all heading outside to my left, and I manage to come over from the opposite side of the play, put a big hit on him, wrap him up in textbook fashion, and drop him with a perfect form tackle, and all this is crazy, because when I actually played in high school, I only played offense, because I couldn't tackle for shit. But I made the tackle, dammit, and the fame and glory were mine.

Or they might have been mine, had I not woke up like immediately following the play.

Imagine this, but in a high school gym, and from the perspective of the dude next to this dude.
And possibly involving Morgan Freeman and some dragons.

You see, back in real-life, three-dimensional world, where I work at Walmart and don't fight that big, gold wolf-dude from Power Rangers with a sword that shoots tornadoes or whatever other kinds of crazy crap happens when I'm in brain-screensaver mode, I was still all crashed out hard, and Sarah was in a similar state about a foot away. And at that final, intense moment where I laid the hit on the dude I'm assuming was Adrian Peterson... Well... I kind of, sort of, in a way... laid a half-speed, from-a-laying-down-position version of the same hit... on her. I fucking tackled my girlfriend while she slept . Like imagine a sleeping dude laying on his side who just kind of lurches forward and lays some bizarre sort of clubbing blow on a woman sleeping right next to him. That's basically what happened. At the moment of impact, I woke up instantly, frozen in horror, realizing that I just unknowingly used my special lady friend as some sort of twisted tackling dummy, and fortunately for me, she never actually woke up to realize what had happened and just sort of went "mmmmmm" and kept right on sleeping. Thinking as quickly as anyone who had just committed domestic violence in his sleep could think, I just held my arm there where it came down, like it was just a thing I meant to do - Like I wanted to get all snuggled up, but I wanted to get all snuggled up RIGHT NOW, GODDAMMIT, so instead of just scooting over and draping my arm over her, I kind of jumped over (flopped, really) and gave her a big hammering forearm of the same kind that Big John Studd might have given to Hulk Hogan. In hindsight, I'm just glad that I wasn't laying a few inches further away in a couple of directions, or I'd be not typing this right now from one of those computers they don't let you use when you've been thrown in jail for forearming a sleeping woman in the throat.

Anyway, I've never really been into the whole dream-interpretation thing, but somehow, deep down, I think this all really means that it's time to fire Lovie Smith.

=O

Also, here is a thing

I had this weird little piggy bank shaped like a football and such. Now, I have converted it into a Matt Forte bank, because I'm weird:

2008 Chicago Bears Season Preview

LANCE BRIGGS

YAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

POSTSEASONPOSTMORTEM #4 - CUE-BEES

Aw, Christ.

REX GROSSMAN - Well, like I said the last time I updated this thing in early 1997, quarterbacks coach Pep Hamilton was brought in to bring consistency to Rex's play, so rather than having a few amazing games and a bunch of spine-curdlingly horrible ones, he just had a bunch of bad ones and ended up getting benched after a few games. This led to the Brian Griese era, which I'll get to in a minute. But anyway, some stuff ended up happening involving injured guys (I'm sensing a pattern here after a few years of typing things like this) Rex came back, and really wasn't too horrible for the few games he played before he got hurt (again), and as a result, he got a fat new one-year deal to make me grow hair for the sole purpose of growing it out for one more season. Don't you people see what he's doing? He didn't suck for those few games on purpose. He's like the Chicago Bear version of Kyle Boller, where he's horrible, but does just good enough to not go to a different team, just so he can keep infuriating you. Can't you see this!? He's evil. I think the only way to finally get rid of him would involve decapitating him and burying him in the soil under the house he was born in.

BRIAN GRIESE - This guy... He's like the most nondescript player in the NFL. He's not really that good, but he's not really that bad, either. He even looks like just some dude, too. Like he'd be the guy you see in Wal Mart with a tie and some slacks on, all shaking the hand really hard of some dude he just bumped into that he knew or something. Actually, now that I think about him, that makes him the Perfect Chicago Bears Mediocre Quarterback. Think about it. Jim Harbaugh? Half-decent nondescript white dude. Jim Miller? Half-decent nondescript white dude. When they stray from that formula, bad things tend to happen. Cade McNown? Asshole, sucked. Kordell Stewart? Black guy, sucked. Craig Krenzel? Googly-eyed psycho, sucked. Grossman? Fratboy looking dude, sucked. When they stray from the nondescript white guy formula, bad things happen. Unless you consider that Mike Tomczak and Jonathan Quinn were both nondescript white guys who were horrible, and Sid Luckman was like the Century's Greatest Jewish Athlete or whatever, then it kinda shoots my theory out of the water. Huh. Well, I didn't say it was a fully-formed theory. But yeah, Brian Griese wasn't good enough to be happy about, but not shitty enough to get mad about. Which was an improvement, actually.

KYLE ORTON - This guy just couldn't catch a break over the last couple years. After winning ten games as a rookie starter, they went out and signed a new backup (Griese) in 2006. And in 2007, after both Grossman and Griese kind of screwed the pooch, and the Bears were left in "well, this year's over, let's see what we have for next year" mode, it took Rex Grossman blowing up his knee for him to get any playing time. And when he got to play, he followed one godawful game with some actual decent play in those two games the Bears won to screw up their draft position. So now, we finally get what we've wanted for years, which is an actual quarterback competition, rather than more press conferences with Lovie Smith telling us how "Rex is my quarterback" and how they "go with the players who give us the best chance to win," even though they had just used the same players all year, who had sucked all year. But yeah, Kyle Orton doesn't seem to be much more than the next great Mediocre Nondescript White Guy, but at least that would be better than what's been going on lately. Hell, if he can stabilize the quarterback position next year, I might almost forgive him for looking like he's one "corduroy jacket over faded T-shirt and ripped jeans" ensemble away from being the dude who uses the word "broseph" in a non-ironic manner and constantly tells you that you need to check out the new Flaming Lips CD, because he "heard you liked to rock out."
Huh. Maybe that's what needs to happen. They've already got the neckbearded hipster in Orton and the preppy date-rape king looking dude in Grossman. Maybe they should cut Griese and find a QB in the draft with a military haircut and a tribal tattoo somewhere, put an Affliction T-shirt on him, and then make him work the word "bro" into every sentence and the phrase "I train MMA" into every paragraph. They'd still probably suck at the quarterback position, but then, they'd complete the perfect Trifecta of Fratboy Faggotry. Worth a try, I suppose.

But yeah, given the alternatives, in 2008, more than ever:
(and for the record, I've actually figured out a way to sell the above bootlegged t-shirt, so stay tuned for that, if you're into that sort of thing...)

POSTSEASONPOSTMORTEM #3 - NEW COACHES AND DRAFTEES

COACHING CHANGES
This is the part where it's hardest to remember and/or look up what happened with who. So you better appreciate this part, goddammit. And I can't find a definitive list, so I'm just going down the list of guys that the Bears website says joined the team in 2007.

DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR - Bob Babich - The biggest news was Ron Rivera heading off to do whatever in San Diego, with this guy, one of Lovie's old homeys from way back, taking his place. And the biggest complaint with Rivera was that his "bend, but don't break" philosophy gave up a lot of yards and put the Bears in a lot of bad situations. In the first week or so of the season, Babich had a much different philosophy, which was more along the lines of "BLITZ THEM! BREAK THEM! CRUSH THEM ALL! THEIR WOMEN SHALL BE OURS! THEIR CITIES SHALL BE AS DUST! FLESH! MORE FLESH FOR THE FIRE!" Which was then followed by an assistant coach frantically running up and telling him that Mike Brown and Dusty Dvoracek were injured, followed by him going "oh snap, maybe we should try bending, but not breaking," which was later followed another assistant notifying him that all the Bears' defensive players capable of only bending were on injured reserve, and with just easily-broken dudes out there, all hope was gone. At least I think that's how it went.
QUARTERBACKS COACH - Pep Hamilton - Apparently, his main task was going to be to help "bring consistency to the quarterback position." And hey, mission accomplished. Instead of the Sex Cannon having a few superlative games and a few godawful ones, he was just consistently bad all year. So he did his job well. Aside from that, all he managed to do was to bring shame and dishonor to the traditional African name "Pep."
OFFENSIVE LINE ASSISTANT - Luke Butkus - Hey, that's Dick Butkus's kid. Or grandkid. Or something. Who knows. But she sure did assist in a whole lot of the coaching of unblocking, that's for sure.
OFFENSIVE QUALITY CONTROL - Charles London - I think the thought of the Bears having an "offensive quality control" guy is something that could only happen as like a joke or a snide comment or something. But yeah, controlling something that doesn't exist had to have been an easy job.
DEFENSIVE LINE COACH - Brick Haley - Holy shit, I think they only hired this guy to overcompensate for having a dude named Pep on the team. That's the best name ever. I think I'm going to register to vote, just so I can write in "Brick Haley" for every governmental position. That's like the name of a guy who would parachute in with nothing more than a knife and a canteen and then slaughter the entire Viet Cong army. The name of a man who wouldn't wait until you were finished talking to slap the shit out of you. Wow.
LINEBACKERS COACH - Hardy Nickerson - THIS IS HARDY NICKERSON'S SHOE, MAN! BAAAAD THINGS, MAN!

THE DRAFT
Aw, hell.

Round 1, Pick 31 - Greg Olsen, TE, Miami - The Bears did Jerry Angelo's "we draft to our strengths" thing, and picked a guy they pretty much didn't need with Desmond Clark still around. Still, I suppose it worked out okay, because he seemed fully capable of turning into Jeremy Shockey, except a lot faster and without being as bad a blocker or as big an asshole as Jeremy Shockey.
Round 2, Pick 62 - Dan Bazuin, DE, Central Michigan - Another one of Angelo's annoying little things is his "look how smart I am for picking someone no one would have drafted at all in the second round!" strategy. Sure, Danieal Manning hasn't been completely embarrassing, but that crapshoot seems to have failed this time around, taking a bad player at a position the team was already three deep at. In fact, I'm pretty sure the fact that being on injured reserve freed up his roster spot is the only reason this dude didn't get cut in the preseason. Unless he's put on twenty pounds and learned how to play football against dudes who didn't get turned down by real colleges during his down time, he might be screwed in 2008.
Round 3, Pick 93 - Garrett Wolfe, RB, Northern Illinois - Another possible reach from a school that has to have a direction in its name, so people will know where it is. But despite the dude being five-foot-nothing and about 68 pounds, I honestly don't think this one was too bad. A little speedy quick dude with wide receiver hands is always useful, especially when you need a change of pace from your starting running back, who's supposed to be a big, bruising dude. But until a lot of coaches get fired, I don't see him doing much. Why? Because this is what we see when we look at Garrett Wolfe:

But this is what offensive coordinator Ron Turner sees when he looks at Garrett Wolfe:


I think what I'm trying to say here is AAARRGGGH WHYWOULDYOURUNA175POUNDRUNNINGBACKUPTHEMIDDLEON3RDAND7 AAAAARRRGGGGHHHHHHHH. Or something.
Round 3, Pick 94 - Michael Okwo, LB, Stanford - Well, with Lance Briggs's future as a Bear uncertain, of course you would draft a linebacker to replace him. Well, unless you had already drafted Jamar Williams to do that a year before. Oops.
Round 4, Pick 130 - Josh Beekman, OG, Boston College - Here's another real winner. This guy couldn't get a single snap of playing time as a backup behind what was one of the worst offensive lines in the league even before everyone started getting injured. In fact, by the end of the year, he was no longer a backup guard and was called a backup center instead. And in case you didn't know, no one has backup centers in the NFL. They just hope nothing happens to the starter and throw a guard in there when something does. Josh Beekman had an imaginary position this year. And I'm guessing he won't be back next year.
Round 5, Pick 167 - Kevin Payne, S, UL-Monroe - Hey, he was actually pretty good. Until he remembered he was a Chicago safety and got injured. Dammit.
Round 5, Pick 168 - Corey Graham, CB, New Hampshire - I honestly don't remember a thing about Corey Graham. He's a nice enough fellow, I'm sure.
Round 7, Pick 221 - Trumaine McBride, CB, Mississippi - Hey, he wasn't bad, either. Hell, he even jumped ahead of Ricky Manning Jr. and started most of the year after Nathan Vasher went down. I mean, he didn't exactly set the world on fire with his amazing pass coverage, but he's got a future.
Round 7, Pick 241 - Aaron Brant, OT, Iowa State - Hell, I dunno, practice squad?

NEXT TIME: QUARTERBACKS! Oh... Oh god...

Dear Pro Football Hall of Fame

You are dead to me, Pro Football Hall of Fame. Dead. Deader than Patriots quarterbacks were after Richard Dent sacked them one and a half times in Super Bowl XX.

You dead, dog.

PATRIOTS LOL

How did any of those other stupid teams ever lose to these dorks?

BEARS POST-SEASON POST-MORTEM - PT. 2 - OFFSEASON MOVES

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BEARS POST-SEASON POST-MORTEM - INTRO

Well, the football season is over now. What? There's still the playoffs left? Are you kidding me? Playoffs!? Child's play for fools is what that is. That's nothing but some middle-aged pill-freak and Peyton Manning's retarded brother competing to be the one that will fight against all odds to maybe come within ten points of respectability against a team coached by a homeless guy and quarterbacked by a man who carries a purse. That's not what football is about. Football is about pain, suffering, hopelessness, and wondering why the hell you spent seventy bucks on a shirt with tiny little holes in it. Football is about expressing impotent rage against millionaires who will never know your name. Football is about completely over analyzing things, but to such an extent that you can't feel superior to those stupid goddamn nerd baseball fans, who keep up with who has the most left-handed home runs on a cloudy day in September off a certain pitcher when his hat is crooked. Football is about despairing over what went wrong and holding on to hope that it can be fixed, even though you know deep down in your soul that they'll just resign Rex Grossman. That's what football is about.

Especially Bears football.

For this is a team that's gone twenty-two years without a championship and roughly fifty-eight years without a real franchise quarterback, and a team that's looking damn near ready for a complete blow-up and rebuild just one year separated from a Super Bowl appearance. And with all this bitterness and bile built up, it's time to take a long look at just what went wrong in 2007. And Unlike the Preseasonseasonpreview thing, I'll probably actually finish this one, because there's a looooong way to go before actual football happens again.
Stupid Bears. Stupid life.

Coming up first: THE OFFSEASON MOVES~

Sarting the new year off right

I just had a dream where someone told me that Thomas Jones had decided to retire, causing me to actually go, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO," like Darth Vader.

Chicago Bears Haiku Sadness

Oh god, Rex Grossman
A human fumble machine
When does the pain stop?

Remember Ditka?
Maybe Lovie needs a 'stache.
That is the answer

On the other hand
There was also Dave Wannstedt
Mustache of evil

Ayanbadejo
Israel Idonije
Unpronounceable

Chicago Bears fans
Love slow, white wide receivers
But Kozlowski sucked.

Fuck Archuleta
Seriously, fuck that guy
The Redskins were right.

Devin Hester rules
Too bad he's our entire offense
Four touches per game.

Give me a B! E!
An N! An S! An O! N!
What's that spell? Failure.

Oh, Brian Griese
He'll never be like his dad
But he tries real hard

Orton's the man now
Weak arm? 70 rating?
Yup, he'll fit right in.

I Was Hoping They'd Do This in 2006, for the Record

But could our long national nightmare finally be over again?

G-R-I-E-S-E, Griese, Griese, Griese

FUCK YOU BRETT FAVRE, SUCK MY DICK

Well, the official word comes down Wednesday...

Could our long national nightmare finally be over?

As of this moment

The Chicago Bears have more second-stringers in on defense than actual starters.

I think I'm going to die.

Thoughts on the Bears/Chargers game

Don't know if I'll keep doing the Preseasonseasonpreview stuff, because obviously, this isn't the preseason anymore, and it's not much of a preview at this point, but eh, who knows. Anyway, here's what I observed:

• I never thought I'd see a game where Sexy Rexy could complete less than half of his passes and have two turnovers counted against him, but still be the only reason they got anywhere on offense. Not to mention that he handled having the shit knocked out of him multiple times with way less dazed panic than he has at any point in his career so far. After today, I'd almost say that I had the slightest shred of confidence in Rex Grossman. Almost.
• Can we get a do-over on the Thomas Jones trade? Something tells me that trading away your offensive MVP just so you can make one last effort at justifying a wasted high draft pick and a ton of money on Curtis Enis 2K7 wasn't a very good idea.
  
• This is the second time I've seen Mike Brown go completely off in the first game of the season, only to get injured a little while later. Hopefully, he's not out for the season this time, but knowing his luck, it really wouldn't surprise me. And if we've learned anything from the last hundred times he's gone out, the Bears defense goes from incredible to above average when he's not in the lineup. Urlacher and Harris are the two superstars, but Mike Brown is and always has been the heart and soul of the team. This sucks.
• Also, on the subject of Mike Brown getting injured, fuck Lorenzo Neal and his chickenshit "if I can't actually block the guy I've got fifty pounds on, I'll just drag him down by his neck" blocking tactics. You pussy.
• Also, can we get a do-over on not re-signing Anthony Thomas? Yeah, remember when Jerry Angelo gave that "Ki-Jana Benson a lot like Thomas, except he's better" interview? Yeah, well he was apparently way wrong.
• Dusty Dvoracek also got hurt, and it's an actual real-life injury that actually happened, as opposed to the one they used to basically redshirt him last year. No word yet on how much time he'll miss, if any at all, but this could be a huge loss, as he was really starting to turn into a beast out there. They've got Darwin Walker as a backup, and he's a really good player, but he's a lot more of a pass-rusher than a run-stuffing hole-plugger, so he's not a good fit as the nose tackle.
• Hey Bernard Berrian: Don't stop running until the play is over. That interception was your fault this time, fool.
• Hey referees: Thanks for not noticing when Tommie Harris is far enough offsides to pretty much intercept the snap.
• I'm starting to wonder if last year with the Redskins was the real Adam Archuleta and if all those years where he was actually good for the rams were the fluke. That guy sucks.
• I've never seen a more exciting play in NFL history than when Devin Hester came in for one play, ran some basic pattern, and then went back to the bench. We need to hire Bill Cowher as a special consultant or something, because when you've got the best trick-play weapon in the league, you should use it every now and then.
• Hey, can we a do-over on releasing Neal Anderson and signing Lewis Tillman? Because - Wait, wrong year. But yeah, Cedric Benson is kind of awful.

Gonna be a long, long year.

Chicago Bears PRESEASONSEASONPREVIEW Part Four - Receivers/Tight Ends

Things have gotten pretty interesting here in the off season. The big news that everyone's freaking out over is that Devin Hester, possibly the most terrifying force of touchdown-at-any-second fury in the National Football League, has made the switch from terrible cornerback to promising wide receiver/running back hybrid, in addition to his kick returning duties. He's got a ways to go before they start thinking about making him an every-down player or anything like that, but he'll be valuable, in that any time he's on the field, the opposing defenses will absolutely shit their pants. Look for a lot of fake reverses, followed by real reverses, followed by defensive players breaking their own ankles.

Meanwhile, the starters for now should still be veteran team leader guy Muhsin Muhammad and last year's big home run threat Bernard Berrian. Moose is old and slow now, he's still a pretty good possession receiver and, depending on who you ask, second only to maybe Hines Ward as far as blocking WR's in the NFL are concerned. Berrian is one of those super-fast deep threats the Bears have loaded up on lately, and had a nice 2006 season, but has had injury problems.

And speaking of injury problems, 2005 second rounder Mark Bradley is back healthy for a change and seems to be everybody's pick for this year's breakout superdudperstar guy. Makes sense, as seemingly every time he's played in an entire game, he's played like a Pro Bowler, but on the other hand, he seems to get injured every time he does something like that. Rashied Davis continues his semi-successful Arena League to NFL journey, returning as the slot guy/backup kick returner, but from there things get interesting.

Basically, there's one more wide receiver spot open, and seemingly a thousand guys going for it. A couple of guys have already blown it, with former AFL guy Timon Marshall and this other guy called Brandon Rideau that I never really saw do anything getting cut literally a few hours before I typed this. There's also Drisan James, a guy who seems to blow it by making one really dumb play in every preseason game my non-cable-having ass has to listen to over the internet, and he's treading water at best. And then, there are the two slow white guys. It's kind of a strange thing about Bears fans having such a soft spot for white guys whose 40 times can be measured with a sundial. I mean, Tom Waddle was great and all, but there's been no one else of note in like the last hundred years that have passed since Harlon Hill drank himself out of the league. But somehow, I can still remember this dude Glen Kozlowski getting a lot of love, despite the fact that he pretty much made no meaningful contributions to the team at all, and a lot of his teammates supposedly hated him for being a scab player during the '87 strike year. But oh yeah, back to 2007. The battle for the last spot and Snail-like Whiteboy Supremacy seems to be between undrafted free agent David Ball and last year's free-agent pickup Mike Hass, who came over from the Saints after having his roster spot taken by some seventh-round scrub named Colston. Ball had some crazy college stats, even breaking some of Jerry Rice's old tiny-college records, and at one point, some of the people on the official Bears message board were already penciling him in as the starter over Muhammad, (whaaaaat?) but in reality, he's just a slow whiteboy who has about as much of a chance of making the 53-man roster as I do becoming the new singer for Kool and the Gang. At this point, barring injury or arrest of bizarre circumstances, the last spot belongs to Hass, (and for the record, that rhymes with "ass," and doesn't sound like "Hoss," as previously thought) who has made a habit of making crazy-ass, Waddle-sized catches and contributing a few special teams tackles, which is a big deal for a guy trying to claw his way onto a team.
Overall, I figure things will remain about the same for Moose and Berrian, Devin Hester will confound and befuddle defenses with his glory, and Mark Bradley will have like one six-thousand yard game before rupturing his eyeball or something else season-ending.

Oh damn. That about sums up the tight end situation. First, there's Desmond Clark, who was like the absolute unsung key to the passing game last year, in that when defenses let him get open, Rex would throw for a million yards and cure cancer on every other play. But when the defense managed to keep him covered, those were the games where Rex Grossman fumbled every snap and gave everyone in the stadium AIDS. Like I don't know how, but he seriously gave like 300,000 people AIDS last year. That's how bad he was. But yeah, Desmond Clark is really good. But now, there's Greg Olsen, too. And he's nowhere near the blocker that Clark is, but he's potentially one of those crazy Antonio Gates Style unstoppable super tight ends that have been popping up in the last few years that are a lot like wide receivers, except they're like 6'5" and 250 pounds. So basically, look for the Bears to use a lot of two tight end sets this year and just completely be awesome and great and stuff. The smart money is on John "two catches all year, both for touchdowns" Gilmore returning as the third guy, unless Fontel Mines does something spectacular this week.

Chicago Bears PRESEASONSEASONPREVIEW Part Three - Running Backs

The biggest change here is that Thomas Jones, the guy who came within a hundred yards in 2004 of three straight 1,000 yards seasons and seemed to be the only guy on offense who realized that Super Bowl XLI was actually being played that day, is gone to the New York Jets. There was absolutely no good reason to get rid of him, so they went with the bad reason that Cedric "Hey, that's my TV!" Benson was being paid way too much to be a backup or change-of-pace guy. He showed some flashes last year, really turned it on later in the season, and has one thing over Jones in that he will actually hit a hole, rather than dance around and get dropped for a loss half the time, but if the guy couldn't consistently stay healthy while getting the ball eight times a game, I don't think he'll be able to keep himself together for sixteen games while getting it 20-25 times a game. Add in fumbling issues, off-the-field behavior that hasn't endeared himself to his teammates, and some really shitty showings in training camp and preseason so far, and this could potentially be a disaster. And I think the coaching staff knows this, or they wouldn't have tried to sign Titans RB Chris Brown a little while back, and they wouldn't still be thinking about bringing a veteran in. Cedric Benson has the ability to be a top running back in the NFL, but so does Ron Dayne, and he hasn't done anything, either.

Behind him, the number two guy is Adrian Peterson (the Georgia Southern one, not the Oklahoma one) who is an odd case, in that he's so good at special teams that the coaches actually want to keep him away from the offense, so he'll stay fresh for kick coverage units. Normally, special teams is where players go who aren't good enough to contribute on offense if they want to make a team, but in Peterson's case, he IS good enough to contribute on offense - after Jones and Benson went down in '05, he came in and pretty much whooped ass - but is so insanely ridiculous on special teams that they only want him playing there. Talk about a Catch 22. So the deal here is that he'll probably only see time at running back if Benson gets injured, and the change-of-pace guy will likely be third-round draft pick Garrett Wolfe. He's a shifty little lightning-quick dude with the hands of a wide receiver, which means he'll probably see a lot of action on third-and-long situations, but he's one of the smallest players in the league (5'7", 186 lbs.) and probably wouldn't be able to take the physical pounding of being in the game much more than that. Then again, he did lead the NCAA in rushing yardage last year, so you never know. A wild card here is undrafted free agent Josh Allen, who's coming off a superdestructive knee injury that almost ended his college career before he could really even consider going pro, but has supposedly looked really good in camp. With Peterson being the special teams ace and Wolfe being Smurf-sized, he might actually make the roster as a fourth running back, if he can keep it up over the course of the preseason, as long as the Bears don't decide to bring someone else in.

At fullback, the big change is that for the first time in a while, Bryan Johnson won't be listed on the injured reserve list, as they were finally able to get rid of him. He was supposed to be a major addition to the team a few years ago, but seemed to stay hurt the whole time, and ended up going down in Bears history as more of a Merrill Hoge or a Craig Heyward than as a Brad Muster or Matt Suhey. Bummer. So Jason McKie returns as the starter, and I guess he's competent enough, but he's not exactly a threat to make the Pro Bowl any time soon. He'll catch a few passes here and there, but mostly, he just blocks. Or at least he tries. This year's backup is veteran Obafemi Ayanbadejo, who pretty much got talked into signing with the team by his brother Brendon. He's not much of a contributor as a fullback, but he's yet another major special teams guy, like Adrian Peterson or the previously mentioned Ayanbadejo brother. He's also suspended for four games for pulling a Jim Miller and not reading the vitamin bottle carefully before swallowing the shit. J.D. Runnels is still on the team, but after screwing his knee all up in minicamp, he'll be on injured reserve. His whole career has been a bummer so far, as this follows 2006, where he followed up a career of smashing people's faces as a blocking back at Oklahoma by spending the entire year deactivated, until McKie went down with an injury, when he served as the backup for backup tight end Gabe Reid, who got the starting nod instead. Ouch. Hopefully 2008 will suck less. Also, they apparently picked up Quadtrine Hill from the Patriots like five minutes ago, and I know nothing about him, aside from him having a really weird first name. I'm sure he's a nice enough guy. Hell, I dunno. and there's this other Jon Goldsberry dude I know nothing about, and him and Hill will be locked in an eternal preseason death struggle to see who gets to not play for four games while Ayanbadejo is out. It's clearly a preseason struggle that the entire season may be riding on.

Next: RECEIVERS