Mitch Hedberg Boredom Haiku

Frozen banana?
No thank you, I don't want one
Regular later

Tight rope walking friend
Falls down and hits the sidewalk
Unacceptable

Not a cheese grater
That is its positive name
Tiny bits of sponge

Fed Ex truck driver
Drug dealer, does not know it
And always on time

Entrance of Target
People splattered all around
I am practicing

Cute infestation
Koala bears in my home
I'll feed you a leaf

Look at limes floating
Saved by citrus buoyancy
This shit's tropical

Can't eat juggler's fruit
That he only has three of
For practice routine

Injured, death metal
Becomes a capella band
Exiting pawn shop

Bush, party of three
Can eat when Dufrenes are found
Search party of three

Chicago Bears Haiku Sadness

Oh god, Rex Grossman
A human fumble machine
When does the pain stop?

Remember Ditka?
Maybe Lovie needs a 'stache.
That is the answer

On the other hand
There was also Dave Wannstedt
Mustache of evil

Ayanbadejo
Israel Idonije
Unpronounceable

Chicago Bears fans
Love slow, white wide receivers
But Kozlowski sucked.

Fuck Archuleta
Seriously, fuck that guy
The Redskins were right.

Devin Hester rules
Too bad he's our entire offense
Four touches per game.

Give me a B! E!
An N! An S! An O! N!
What's that spell? Failure.

Oh, Brian Griese
He'll never be like his dad
But he tries real hard

Orton's the man now
Weak arm? 70 rating?
Yup, he'll fit right in.

Robocop Haiku

O.C.P. head guy:
"Old Detroit has a cancer
The cancer is crime"

Put down your weapon
Twenty seconds to comply
You call this a glitch!?

Robbery gone bad
You burnt the fuckin' money!
Can you fly, Bobby?

Na na na na na
Na na na na na na BOOM
Does it hurt, sweet prince?

A new guy in town
End to crime in forty days
His name's Robocop

You've crossed Line of Death
Pakistan threatens border
By Butler Brothers

Serve the public trust
And protect the innocent
Uphold the law, too.

Ironbutt, boner
Once, even called him asshole.
He's a sweet old man

On every TV
"I'll buy that for a dollar"
The hell does that mean?

I killed Bob Morton
Because he made a mistake
Erase mistakes now

Ooh, guns, guns, guns, guns
Tigers are playing tonight
Never miss a game

I got protection
I work for Dick Jones! Dick Jones!
Yes, I am a cop.

You're pretty smart, huh?
Think you can outsmart a bullet?
You're dead! We killed you!

What are the charges?
Gimme my fuckin' phone call.
He's a copkiller

Got an S.U.X.
Still got the sticker on it
Just like yours, Clarence

Free society
Except there ain't nothing free
Law of the jungle.

Murphy, I'm a mess
Don't worry, they will fix you
They fix everything

Terminator 2: Haiku Judgement Day

Terminator 2
I've watched it thrice in two days
That can't be healthy

Advanced prototype
Total liquid robot guy
Have you seen this boy?

Hey, this bigass dude
Is my own Terminator
Just don't kill those guys

How's my dog Wolfie?
Oh, Wolfie's doing just fine
But parents are dead

Learning computer
A neural-net processor
Helps Arnold find keys

A crazy-ass bitch
There's no fate but what we make
Gonna kill Dyson

The Terminator
Goes apeshit with minigun
Cacualties? Zip.

Liquid nitrogen
T-1000 all froze up
Blown up like a bitch

I know why you cry
But it's something I can't do
Now, please melt my ass

Haiku Massacre

I'm not Charlie Brown
He's a guy from out of town.
I met him in jail.

Ding Dongs, yo. Ding Dongs
You ain't fat. You ain't nothin'.
Inflatable suit.

Enis, Terrell, Haynes.
Rashaan Salaam, Cade McNown.
Cedric Benson? Fuck.

Oh, knock him out, John.
Shoot up in here amongst us;
One must have relief.

This toilet paper
It reminds me of John Wayne
Rough, tough, takes no shit.

I'm the Boogeyman
And I'm comin' to getcha.
Ha ha ha ha ha.