I don't have a phone with a camera in it now

...Because I stepped on it and the screen doesn't work anymore. So to anyone out there meaning to contact me through audio-based or non-internet text-based means, go back to using the old prepaid ghetto phone number until I can get all this sorted out. Stupid phones. Stupid feet.

I just spent about twenty seconds

Moving a laser pointer around on my computer's monitor.


...And chasing it with the mouse pointer.

They tell me I have an IQ over 150.

At least that's what they tell me.

DAILY STUPID

This is my knee:


Would you like to know how I did this?

SO WOULD I.

Daily stupid

Something seems wrong with my arm. There's no pain, no loss of range of motion, no stiffness, and if there's swelling, there's not enough for it to be blatantly noticeable. But something just seems WRONG with it. And only now do I realize:

I have forgotten what my right arm is supposed to look like.

Daily stupid

So yeah, my apartment has roaches. Also, I smashed the living crap out of my left pinky toe a few weeks ago, and even though it stopped hurting after about three days, the toenail is still black from dried blood under it or whatever it is that makes your toenails turn black when you smash them.
So a minute ago, I feel something kind of brush against my foot, and I look down, immediately think "AAAARRRRGGHHHROACHONMYFOOT" and let out a sound kind of like that squeak Jerry Lawler makes when someone says something that's supposed to be shocking on an episode of Monday Night Raw, and flail my foot around madly in an attempt to try and shake the roach off, re-smashing my toe on the leg of my desk in the process.

And yeah, the "roach" was actually my toenail.

Daily Stupid

For dinner, I enjoyed a grilled tilapia fillet, seasoned with lemon pepper, garlic salt...

AND CARBON MONOXIDE.

Daily Stupid

I was scheduled to work at 10:00 a.m. today. The alarm went off at 8:30, so I woke up, went to the bathroom, fed the cat, and other stuff like that.

Then, I went back to sleep until about 9:52.

New Feature: Daily Stupid

This is a new thing I'm going to try for a while, until I just absolutely forget about it a week from now. In the old days, when you did something really dumb and no one was around, you could easily sweep it under the rug and live out the rest of your days without the shame of someone knowing the ridiculous crap you had done But these are changing times, and in the post-911 world, the old ways of doing things have given way to the "Internet 2.0" world, where people see fit to share any detail of their lives with absolute strangers. So in these times of greater dumbass transparency, I've decided that from now on, I'm going to keep a running tab of all the stupidest things I do from now on. So here's today's Daily Stupid:

Today while driving around doing whatever the hell it was that I was doing, I noticed that for some reason it was really hard to shift from first to second gear. Then, I realized it was because I hadn't bothered to step on the clutch at all, and basically had just ripped the car out of gear, in a move that potentially could have led to millions of dollars in car repairs. Somehow, my transmission survived, though.

Personal Injury Blog # 34678

My fingernails had gotten to the point where they were actually grossing me out, so I began the usual exhaustive search of the premises for my fingernail clippers. And while I was on my hands and knees, looking under the desk with a flashlight, I felt something that did not feel like a good thing, and quickly looked at the general vicinity of my elbow. And there was a thumbtack in there, to the point where it was actually flush with my arm. Ow. Like I'm pretty sure it was all up in my skeleton bones. Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow. Came out bizarrely easily, though. But still; ow.

I sure hope I don't die.

The date on the spinach can had kind of rubbed off

I'm pretty sure it said April 2009.

But if I die tonight, it said April 2005.

Life Lessons

I just spent five minutes whacking a votive candle holder with the sharp end of a screwdriver until it was broken into small enough pieces for me to remove it from the place where it had gotten lodged in my toilet. I now know to always close the lid and to not place small objects too close to the edge of the shelf.

I just realized

That this is becoming some sort of personal injury blog. This is not a good thing.

From bad to worse

Bad: Screwing up my knee somehow, in such a manner that I've been having to wear one of those cheapo $14 knee brace things at work to keep from twisting it and have been putting ice on it and generously applying globs of generic Wal~Mart brand Ben-Gay stuff to it.

Worse: Getting said generic Ben-Gay stuff IN MY EYE. Seriously, this reminds me of the bit from that Cheech & Chong album where Chong is all talking about the dude poking himself in the eye with a coke spoon and having his eye "frozen open." It's like smelling salts for the eye.

AAAHHHHHH I CAN SEE FOREVER

my body is at war with itself

I was just headed to take a shower, since I'm a weirdo who doesn't take showers at a decent hour, and on the way there, something on the floor just sliced the hell out of my toe. Like there's a flap of skin and it was actually dripping blood, and when I set my foot down in the shower, it was like a miniature recreation of the big red splash from when Tony Montana gets shotgunned and falls into the fountain. I'm pretty sure it's bad enough that any right-thinking person might consider getting stitches, but DAMMIT, I'M A MAN, so I just hit it with peroxide and band aids. But oh yeah, what was the sharp object laying in the floor that devastated my toe? A fucking fingernail clipping.

My fingers hate my toes.

I'm not sure why I own a cinderblock

But I am very skilled at bumping into it and tearing my kneecap open.

oh man oh man oh man

I just came this close to brushing my teeth with generic Ben Gay.

Today at work

While trying to say the phrase "put 'em too far apart," it came out as "tut 'em poo tar afart."

For the record

I can't believe I just spent ten minutes writing haikus about Terminator 2, either.

And again

This morning, I woke up and all was well. My body didn't ache, I wasn't coughing, and my body temperature had lowered to a brisk 98.6 degrees. Then, when I got to work, my nose started running, which is something that it didn't do for the last couple days. So I blew my nose. And blew my nose. And blew my nose. And the pressure built in my sinuses. And everything started to hurt. And the world around me seemed to get colder and colder. I was sick in a way completely unrelated to how I was sick for the last couple days, and ended up going home an hour and a half early, which is something an iron-man like me would never do. Now, I'm back over the 101 degree mark and absolutely miserable. So, in an attempt to ease my misery, I strolled to the kitchen to get some ice cream. As I pulled it out of the freezer, it slipped, and in an ill-fated attempt to keep it off the floor, I ended up slamming the ice cream into my left ball at a high rate of speed.
The world can French-kiss my ass.