THE DAY AFTER THE BLIZZARD OF THE CENTURY OF THE DECADE OF THE DAY

(NOTE: May not be actual image from 2009 Oklahoma blizzard)

So for the last week or so, the dudes with ties who tell us what's going to happen with the weather (mostly The Weather Channel, Gary England and this other dude who a guy in the break room was saying got kicked out of school and just has the job because his dad owns the station, or something else weird like that) never could get their stories straight regarding the weather Thursday. (Christmas Eve, duh) First, it was rain on Wednesday, followed by a slight chance of snow. Then, we were totally getting a white Christmas, maybe. THEN, it was something like a sixty percent chance of rain on both days. Then, it was "oh hey, we're totally gonna get some snow Thursday, right on." But then, some time in the morning, right before we were headed off to gay-work, it had changed into:

So yeah, with ominous warnings fresh in our minds and promises of six to eight inches of snow on out TVs and radios, we headed off to work like the damned fools that we are. And God, who has no use for damned fools and has tried to do me in on several occasions, decided that we could fuck right off, ripped open the sky, and dumped fourteen inches on us. Of snow. Coming at us at a sixty freaking miles of hour, like little daggers from hell, which is what it might as well have been. Of course, with States of Emergency being declared, roads getting so piled up with snow, ice, abandoned vehicles, and hordes of the screaming undead* that every highway in the state had been shut down, and only complete idiots even attempting to leave their homes, my workplace stayed the hell open, only letting the out-of-town folks go around 1:30 or so, by which time it was already damn near unthinkable that they'd actually get to where they came from. In fact, I had to stay there, pacing around a mostly customer-free store, cursing every living relative of Sam Walton (peace be upon Him) until 5:30 in the PM, and the store stayed open for possibly as long as two more hours after that. Yeah, those bloodsucking bastards just had to squeeze out the profit equivalent of a really slow, late-month Tuesday, even while this was happening about twenty feet from my front door:


By this time, my car was a total loss as far as getting home was concerned, and I had to get a ride from another dude whose car was pretty much unburied, despite being almost right next to mine. After a harrowing trip home that involved some shithole in one of those giant pickup trucks whose four wheel drive capability apparently gives them magical ice-driving capabilities passing us going about fifty and walking the last half-mile or so, because my street was a wreck and I didn't want to strand the dude over here, I got home. Eventually, I thawed out and took pictures. Here are some of them now:

In addition to death and destruction, this storm apparently had the ability to turn people into Eskimos and dudes from Chicago who were getting punched in the face by The Invisible Man.

Them feets is buried, yo.

Snow drift against one of the buildings here. Coming from a flat place such as I do, I had a lot of instances of "oh daaaaang, look how high that one drift is - Oh wait, that house is on a hill."

The view down my street. This is AFTER the snow plows came through.

The winds we got were strong enough to rip one of the window shutters right off the side of my building...

But where it landed was almost completely free of snow or ice, despite nothing being there but the neighbor dude's motorcycle. Christmas miracle?

Meanwhile, across town in a place where toys are apparently Us, Sarah's truck remained where it had been abandoned the day before, with a good three feet of snow serving as a big middle finger to us all. This was the only snow drift in the entire parking lot, almost as if the forces of nature were conspiring specifically against us.

Eventually, it was freed, after we shoveled away enough snow for me to lift the truck over my head and throw it to safety.*

Back home, Dusty held a silent vigil for our safe return.

But we returned, and all was well. But I have to warn you - Yellow snow DOES NOT taste like lemons. Don't ask me how I know that. Just... don't.

That's about all I have to report for now, at least until I figure out how in the hell I'm supposed to get to work tomorrow. So until next time:

FEAR THE SNOSQUITO

*that part might not have actually happened

BLIZZARD OF THE CENTURY OF THE DECADE OF THE DAY

More news, notes, and photos from the planet Hoth coming tomorrow.

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas

Issued by The National Weather Service
Oklahoma City, OK
4:17 am CST, Thu., Dec. 24, 2009

... WINTER STORM WARNING NOW IN EFFECT UNTIL 10 PM CST THIS EVENING...

THE WINTER STORM WARNING IS NOW IN EFFECT UNTIL 10 PM CST THIS EVENING.

* TIMING: ALL OF TODAY AND THIS EVENING

* MAIN IMPACT: HEAVY SNOW AND STRONG WINDS. NEAR BLIZZARD CONDITIONS AT TIMES. SNOWFALL WILL AVERAGE 4 TO 8 INCHES... BUT SOUTHERN OKLAHOMA MAY RECEIVE 8 TO 11 INCHES... GENERALLY BETWEEN LAWTON AND PAULS VALLEY.

* OTHER IMPACTS: THE CHANGE FROM RAIN TO SNOW WILL BE DELAYED THIS MORNING IN CENTRAL AND NORTH CENTRAL OKLAHOMA... INCLUDING OKLAHOMA CITY... GUTHRIE... STILLWATER... AND PONCA CITY. A MIX OF FREEZING RAIN AND SLEET... POSSIBLY HEAVY AT TIMES... WILL CREATE VERY SLICK AND HAZARDOUS CONDITIONS BY MIDDAY. HEAVY SNOW IS THEN EXPECTED DURING THE AFTERNOON.

PRECAUTIONARY/PREPAREDNESS ACTIONS...

A WINTER STORM WARNING MEANS SIGNIFICANT AMOUNTS OF SNOW... SLEET... AND ICE ARE EXPECTED OR OCCURRING. STRONG WINDS WILL ALSO REDUCE VISIBILITY TO NEAR ZERO AT TIMES... WHICH CAN BE DISORIENTING. THIS WILL MAKE TRAVEL VERY HAZARDOUS OR IMPOSSIBLE. THIS IS A LIFE THREATENING STORM.

The Beginning of Fall

It is truly a new season when I notice that my popsicles are thawing out, and I have to punch the back wall of the fridge a few times to break up the thawed/refrozen ice, and then knee the door real hard to get the compressor to kick back on.

NORMAN BUBBLE~

I still curse Rex Grossman, though.

God is coming to kill me again

With my last breath, I curse Rex Grossman.

What the hail?

Just thought I'd share the latest retarded Oklahoma weather. Basically, this is what just happened:


So now, this stuff is everywhere:

Fun times. My car made it out okay, though, and that's what really matters. Screw everyone else and their cars and lives and stuff.

ICE STORM OF THE CENTURY OF THE DAY, PART NINE

Well, I'm still without power, so I'm still having to stay across town, where it's all warm and electrical. I saw OG&E trucks about a block away from my place, so that's a good sign for tomorrow, but apparently, a whole new round of stormy crap is moving in pretty soon, so I could easily fall into that "7-10 days" area. Also, the dude on the radio, some places won't have power until after Christmas, and with my luck, that'll be me. Fun.
In other fun news, I decided to buy a half gallon of milk today, only to discover that they already had an identical one over here. D'oh. Also, decided to go against common sense and buy a pack of football cards while I was there, and I lucked out and got an "event-used football" card that's numbered out of 62, (as in only 62 of that card exist on Earth) which is really nice. On the other hand, it's a card of Robert Meachem, so it's probably effectively worthless. D'oh again.
But oh yeah, I found wires while I was at home, so here's that ICY DEVASTATION~! I mentioned yesterday:


This was the view right outside my front door yesterday. I have a strange feeling that this isn't safe.


Here's the neighbor's backyard, demonstrating probably the only good thing about not having a backyard.


Here's a tree that tried to fall on my car.


If I had a real camera, you'd see the park across the street covered in downed tree limbs.


Oooh.


Here's a tree that's currently trying to fall on where my car's usually parked.


And here's my lucky-to-be-alive car. Not only because of trees, but because of the retarded drivers around here, too. When a traffic light is out, you're supposed to treat it like a four-way stop sign. Around here, it's viewed as "wheeeee, green light!" And when the cops have the foresight to stick one of those temporary four-way stop signs in the intersection, they treat those as "wheeee, green light!"


More icy devastation from right outside my door.


Here's the view down Main Street, taken from a moving car, because I am DANGER MAN.


If I wasn't damn near dropping my camera while scrambling to take a picture at a stop sign while the "low battery" warning was blinking, you'd see that this street is entirely blocked off.


School's out, bitches.

Also, since I have the camera hooked up, here is a completely unrelated picture from like a year ago of Scooter taking a bath:


And here's my cat under a blanket, possibly to shield her from where my camera's flash has turned the fish tank behind her into DEADLY MAGMA:

The weather outside is frightful

Or at least it was a day or so ago. But I'm still without power, and the OG&E guy on the radio said it could be 7-10 days before everybody has theirs back, (apparently, the OKC and Tulsa areas have over 300,00 people down right now, which is some sort of state record) but as far as I can tell, I live in the only place in town without power, so maybe they'll hit my area soon, for the PR points of saying that all of Norman is back on. Eh, who knows. But for the time being, me, my cat, and my two fish are holed up at my brother's house, where we have to suffer such indignities as being forced to live with working heat, over a zillion TV channels on a TV as big as my car, and actually having enough room to turn 90 degrees without killing my shin on a retardedly-placed cinder block or dead computer from 2001.

But we'll make it somehow.

I actually managed to snap a few pictures of ICY DEVASTATION~! on my crappy little camera, but I didn't get very many, as three AAA batteries last approximately 45 seconds in that godforsaken thing. The sad part is that I wasn't really exaggerating much there. But as soon as I'm back in my fully-powered hovel again, I'll find the wire that connects the camera to the PC and throw some of those up, hopefully, in sooner than 7-10 days.

ICE STORM OF THE CENTURY OF THE DAY, DAY THREE

LIGHT SNOW ARRRRGGGHHH

WE DIDN'T LISTEEEENNNNNNNN


This is the lamest Ice Storm of the Century I've ever been a part of. 1994 kept it real, yo.

ICE STORM OF THE CENTURY OF THE DAY 2007, DAY TWO

It's hella-cold, but nothing much else to report. The freezing rain came down as sleet instead, the roads are in this bizarre condition where half of them are just a white sheet, yet you could probably drive 55 miles an hour or like sprint down them on foot all zig-zaggy without slipping. It's weird. I'm about to totally drive across town for no real essential reason; I just got stuff I wanna do over there. That's how much of a non-issue the roads are right now. Also, the main drags have been salted, so there's barely anything on them, anyway. The big stuff hits around 4:00 am, though, and I've got the Pet Taxi (for the cat), a bag of clothing and stuff (for me), and the little container we got egg drop soup in once (for the fish), in case crazy crap happens, and I have to move in with my brother across town. Stupid apartment with nothing that runs on gas. If that happens, I'll have to endure such hardships as fireplaces and giant TVs, but I'll manage somehow.
But yeah, ICE STORM OF THE CENTURY OF THE DAY 2007~! isn't shaping up to be too much right now. I sure hope the Bears don't embarrass themselves tomorrow.

ICE STORM OF THE CENTURY OF THE DAY 2007, DAY ONE

Some sleet fell, and it's cold.

ICE STORM OF THE CENTURY OF THE DAY 2007

WE DIDN'T LISTEN! AAAARRRRGGGHHH
WHO WILL SURVIVE, AND WHAT WILL BE LEFT OF THEM?

Seriously, though, I hope the power stays on, or my final remaining fish is SCREWED.

Deathride into terror, part 34534534

Well, the ice is off the roads, but I just almost totally died, which is quite common around these parts. A guy in a truck was in the wrong lane, and I almost got hit head-on. The reason he was in the wrong lane?

He was swerving to miss a transvestite.

SONG OF THE DAY SUPER SPECIAL

SONGS ABOUT BEING COLDER THAN POOP

Metallica - "Trapped Under Ice"

I don't know how to live trough this hell
Woken up, I'm still locked in this shell
Frozen soul, frozen down to the core
Break the ice, I can't take anymore

Freezing
Can't move at all
Screaming
Can't hear my call
I am dying to live
Cry out
I'm trapped under the ice

Crystallized, as I lay here and rest
Eyes of glass stare directly at death
From deep sleep I have broken away
No one knows, no one hears what I say

Freezing
Can't move at all
Screaming
Can't hear my call
I am dying to live
Cry out
I'm trapped under the ice

Scream from my soul
Fate, mystified
Hell, forever more
No release from my cryonic state
What is this? I've been stricken by fate
Wrapped up tight, cannot move, can't break free
Hand of doom has a tight grip on me

Freezing
Can't move at all
Screaming
Can't hear my call
I am dying to live
Cry out
I'm trapped under the ice

Mastodon - "Siberian Divide"

Ice god shakes the earth
Destruction of the path
Sinking deeper in the snow
Eating bark with blackened hands
Swollen fingers frozen jaw
Warm teeth wrapped around my wrist
Frostbite eating away at our limbs
Slit the belly brontotherium
Climb towards vermillion snowbank fall
Station of the crosses prayer save all
Chewing bone
Euphoria
Land and sky
Shining skull
Ice field blanket land
Hunted beyond the fray
No direction known
Running with the band
Provisions wearing thin
Avalanche sweeps the land
Starvation setting in
Spilling all that's left
Should've kept the fruits from virgin's vine
Three-horned face
Pillar of red
Evil lives atop my crooked spine
Rosebush current flow
Carmine river go
Solar storms erupt on the sun
Ice fields blanket land
Snow queen
Hypothermia
Ice lips
Hallucination
Ice field blanket land
Hunted beyond the fray
No direction known
Running with the band
Provisions wearing thin
Avalanche sweeps the land
Landscape ebb 'n' flow
Think I felt the end of time
Skulls aglow as crystal shines
And starts to warm the empty climb

Iron Maiden - "Stranger in a Strange Land"

Was many years ago that I left home and came this way
I was a young man, full of hope and dreams
But now it seems to me that all is lost and
nothing gained
Sometimes things ain't what they seem
No brave new world, no brave new world
No brave new world, no brave new world

Night and day I scan horizon, sea and sky
My spirit wanders endlessly
Until the day will dawn and friends from home
discover why
Hear me calling, rescue me
Set me free, set me free
Lost in this place, and leave no trace

Stranger in a strange land
Land of ice and snow
Trapped inside this prison
Lost and far from home

One hundred years have gone and men again
they came that way
To find the answer to the mystery
They found his body lying where it fell that day
Preserved in time for all to see
No brave new world, no brave new world
Lost in this place, to leave no trace

What became of the man that started
All are gone and their souls departed
Left me here in this place
So all alone

Stranger in a strange land
Land of ice and snow
Trapped inside this prison
Lost and far from home

What became of the man that started
All are gone and their souls departed
Left me here in this place
So all alone

Stranger in a strange land
Land of ice and snow
Trapped inside this prison
Lost and far from home

Voivod - "Polaroids"

Hostile white
Blizzard's rage
Crystallized
Frosted Face
The sore shoulders
The weight of days
Haw far to go
In desert snow

Where the wind takes our dreams
Where the scene is unreal

Across the iceland
Enduring fate
The hills of sickness
The cliff of fear
Months of darkness
The loss of time
Only a limelight
Flows in the sky
And every morning
Buried in place
Zombies awaking
And keep the pace
There is no crossroad
Nor choice to make
It's always further
Always ahead

Where the wind steals our dreams
Where yourself is revealed

Hey !

Turning in circles
Our worst nightmare
No more supplies
Nor food to share
All the strength
I've left behind
Would be useful
Now that I die
It doesn't matter
Not anymore
Only a limelight
Flows in the sky
Glows in the sky

Where the wind takes our dreams
Where the scene is surreal
Where the wind steals our dreams
Where yourself is revealed

Who wants to land
On no-man's land?
Who wants to end
On Morgoth land?

Things I just learned...

In freezing rain that turns the road into a sheet of ice, the average driver in Norman, Oklahoma still sees nothing wrong with not using a turn sugnal and/or pulling right out in front of other cars.
Also, when my anti-lock brakes lock up, my car skids hard to the right.

When I'm God, it will be illegal for stupid people to drive.

Winter Wonderland. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Maybe I should go make some sort of slush-man.

STAND BACK! THERE'S A HURRICANE COMING THROUGH!

Fuck. Category 5, heading straight for a huge-ass city that's below sea level. If this thing is as bad as the news is making it sound, New Orleans might not exist by this time tomorrow. They're saying this one's stronger than Hurricane Camille was, and I think it's something like the fourth-strongest hurricane of all-time at the moment. Meanwhile, there's thousands and thousands of poor bastards piling into the Superdome, which might not make it through the storm anyway. The guy on the news just said something about how 50,000 people could die in this thing. This seriously could potentially be the most fucked-up piece of US history I've been alive for, and considering what went down a few years ago in New York, that's reeeeally fucked up. If you're anywhere near the coast right now, get the fuck out of there if it's still possible.