RANDOM SHIT: Heavy metal lolcats

Oh hey, actual website update. Just in case you had too much of a life to know, there's this big thing sweeping the internet, where people paste goofy text over goofy pictures of cats, and it's really hilarious, but probably shouldn't be. But what's the one kind of photo that's more hilarious than a photo of an adorable cat in a goofy pose? Why, that would be photos of a heavy metal dude in a goofy pose, of course:

Click here to see the rest.

Web Surf Nicaragua Colon Song Tune of the Day for Browsers

Mastodon - "Cut You Up With a Linoleum Knife"

Don't talk, watch!
Don't talk, watch!
You came here, watch it!
Don't like it? Walk out!
We still have all your fucking money!

Do not nudge, kick or jiggle the seat in front of you.
I'm sitting there!
I am everywhere at once
and I will cut you up.

If you make out here,
I will cut your lips and tongue
from your head
with a linoleum knife.

Do not explain the plot.
If you don't understand, then you should not be here.
Your money is our money
and we will spend it on drugs.

Do not crinkle your food wrappers loudly.
Be considerate to others,
or I will bite your torso
and give you a disease.

Did you bring your baby?
Babies don't watch this.
Take the seed outside. Leave it in the streets.
Run over it after the show.

If I see you videotaping this movie,
Satan will rain down your throat with hot acid
and dissolve your testicles
and turn your guts into snakes.

This is copyrighted movie for Time Warner.
If I find that you've sold it on eBay,
I will break into your house
and tear your wife in half.

In other music news

I have decided that Mastodon ("Mastadon") has surpassed Metallica, ("Mettalica") Megadeth, ("Megadeath") Emperor, ("Emporer") and Cannibal Corpse ("Cannible Corps," among other spellings) as the current leader in highly-misspelled heavy metal bands.

SONG OF THE DAY SUPER SPECIAL

SONGS ABOUT BEING COLDER THAN POOP

Metallica - "Trapped Under Ice"

I don't know how to live trough this hell
Woken up, I'm still locked in this shell
Frozen soul, frozen down to the core
Break the ice, I can't take anymore

Freezing
Can't move at all
Screaming
Can't hear my call
I am dying to live
Cry out
I'm trapped under the ice

Crystallized, as I lay here and rest
Eyes of glass stare directly at death
From deep sleep I have broken away
No one knows, no one hears what I say

Freezing
Can't move at all
Screaming
Can't hear my call
I am dying to live
Cry out
I'm trapped under the ice

Scream from my soul
Fate, mystified
Hell, forever more
No release from my cryonic state
What is this? I've been stricken by fate
Wrapped up tight, cannot move, can't break free
Hand of doom has a tight grip on me

Freezing
Can't move at all
Screaming
Can't hear my call
I am dying to live
Cry out
I'm trapped under the ice

Mastodon - "Siberian Divide"

Ice god shakes the earth
Destruction of the path
Sinking deeper in the snow
Eating bark with blackened hands
Swollen fingers frozen jaw
Warm teeth wrapped around my wrist
Frostbite eating away at our limbs
Slit the belly brontotherium
Climb towards vermillion snowbank fall
Station of the crosses prayer save all
Chewing bone
Euphoria
Land and sky
Shining skull
Ice field blanket land
Hunted beyond the fray
No direction known
Running with the band
Provisions wearing thin
Avalanche sweeps the land
Starvation setting in
Spilling all that's left
Should've kept the fruits from virgin's vine
Three-horned face
Pillar of red
Evil lives atop my crooked spine
Rosebush current flow
Carmine river go
Solar storms erupt on the sun
Ice fields blanket land
Snow queen
Hypothermia
Ice lips
Hallucination
Ice field blanket land
Hunted beyond the fray
No direction known
Running with the band
Provisions wearing thin
Avalanche sweeps the land
Landscape ebb 'n' flow
Think I felt the end of time
Skulls aglow as crystal shines
And starts to warm the empty climb

Iron Maiden - "Stranger in a Strange Land"

Was many years ago that I left home and came this way
I was a young man, full of hope and dreams
But now it seems to me that all is lost and
nothing gained
Sometimes things ain't what they seem
No brave new world, no brave new world
No brave new world, no brave new world

Night and day I scan horizon, sea and sky
My spirit wanders endlessly
Until the day will dawn and friends from home
discover why
Hear me calling, rescue me
Set me free, set me free
Lost in this place, and leave no trace

Stranger in a strange land
Land of ice and snow
Trapped inside this prison
Lost and far from home

One hundred years have gone and men again
they came that way
To find the answer to the mystery
They found his body lying where it fell that day
Preserved in time for all to see
No brave new world, no brave new world
Lost in this place, to leave no trace

What became of the man that started
All are gone and their souls departed
Left me here in this place
So all alone

Stranger in a strange land
Land of ice and snow
Trapped inside this prison
Lost and far from home

What became of the man that started
All are gone and their souls departed
Left me here in this place
So all alone

Stranger in a strange land
Land of ice and snow
Trapped inside this prison
Lost and far from home

Voivod - "Polaroids"

Hostile white
Blizzard's rage
Crystallized
Frosted Face
The sore shoulders
The weight of days
Haw far to go
In desert snow

Where the wind takes our dreams
Where the scene is unreal

Across the iceland
Enduring fate
The hills of sickness
The cliff of fear
Months of darkness
The loss of time
Only a limelight
Flows in the sky
And every morning
Buried in place
Zombies awaking
And keep the pace
There is no crossroad
Nor choice to make
It's always further
Always ahead

Where the wind steals our dreams
Where yourself is revealed

Hey !

Turning in circles
Our worst nightmare
No more supplies
Nor food to share
All the strength
I've left behind
Would be useful
Now that I die
It doesn't matter
Not anymore
Only a limelight
Flows in the sky
Glows in the sky

Where the wind takes our dreams
Where the scene is surreal
Where the wind steals our dreams
Where yourself is revealed

Who wants to land
On no-man's land?
Who wants to end
On Morgoth land?

THE CONVERSION PROJECT #2

Hey, last time around I got a record player, so I could finally play records. This time, I spent 35 bucks on an old tape deck, so I could listen to tapes without them sounding like utter poop. Pretty decent one, too. It's almost as old as I am, but it's in good shape, as far as I can tell. It's an old Technics deck from all the way in 81 or so, back before dual cassette, and when tape decks had two microphone inputs and you could hear squealy crap when you rewound or fast-forwarded a certain way. It's not like a zillion-dollar Nakamichi or anything, but hey, it cost someone 200 bucks when I was a year old.
Anywho, I got this one tape a while back from Bobby, one of my old internet homeys who promotes shows down in the New Orleans area, in addition to being master and commander of the good ol' fashioned paper (and in the internet age, that means something) 'zine Paranoize. Anyway, the main things on this particular mixed tape were the albums Innocents by Only Living Witness and Watch it Burn by Cast Iron Hike, and there were also a few songs on the end of side two by some other band I had never heard of. And while the stuff by the other band was pretty awesome, the other stuff on there (particularly Innocents) was like totally awesome, and the extra stuff tacked on at the end kind of got lost in the shuffle as I wore out the tape with what are now two of my favorite records of all time on it while piddling around in my mom's 1993 Ford Tempo. But now, fast-forward to a few days ago. I had decided to pick up a copy of Mastodon's 2005 The Workhorse Chronicles DVD, since they're pretty much my favorite band on Earth at the moment and I had some weird Jones going for anything Mastodon-based. But anyway, Troy Sanders is all talking about the stuff they did before they were Mastodon, and damned if he doesn't mention that he and Brent Hinds had been in Four Hour Fogger. Holy crap, they were the kind of awesome band that I had forgotten about, because Only Living Witness was so totally awesome. I HAVE THEM ON TAPE. So now, here we are, with three and a half songs of theirs. I have no idea when these were recorded or where they came from. They might be demos, there might have been a Cd made, there could have been some vinyl pressed. I just don't know. Aside from the fact that Mastodon's bass and guitar players/dual frontmen were in the band, there seems to be absolutely no information about them on the internet anywhere, and I'm too lazy to go hunt Bobby down and ask. All I do know is that this stuff rocks, except for the fourth song, which would have rocked if the tape hadn't run out. Here you go. (And since this is only a few minutes of stuff, the Jerry Clower album I converted a little while back is still available for download)
POSSIBLY RANDOM FOUR HOUR FOGGER STUFF:
1. Triracial Isolates
2. Victim Eyes
3. Test of Toast
4. (some of) Pita Bread

another reason to love blood mountain

Joined a gym today, and put in about an hour and a half on various devices designed to simulate walking and other stuff you do with your legs, but without actually taking you anywhere. And they had little TVs set up on all of them, which was pretty cool, as I don't have cable right now, (and for the record, every time there's a new episode of The Venture Bros. on, you'll find me at the gym now) but after a while, nothing was on, and it got tiresome. So I turned on my newly-acquired, two-year-old MP3 player, freshly stocked with my own MP3 files, including a ton from the new Mastodon album, Blood Mountain. And every time one came on, I had to reset the machine to make it go up a steep incline every time one of those songs would come on, because holy crap, it felt like I was going up a goddamn Blood Mountain. Seriously. It had its drawbacks, however, as when I finally stepped off after a whole hour on the eliptical thingy, I almost fell on my ass in front of a bunch of people, because those machines make your legs stop working. Stupid Mastodon.

Also, note to self: Put "Eye of the Tiger," "The Touch," and some manner of Chris Benoit entrance theme on your MP3 player.