Tub Cat

Is in the tub.

TEN THINGS THAT WILL BE ILLEGAL WHEN AM I KING: PART ONE

Introduction: This is a thing I was really planning on doing a Random Shit about, but never could bring myself to type out a whole long thing, so I figured I'd do it in installments here. So what that means is that it'll eventually get abandoned when I move on to bigger and better things, so just smile, nod, and enjoy the five-to-seven of these that I actually bother to type up.

FIRST: THE FORD MUSTANG.

This showed up on Google Image Search with he word "douche" under it, so I knew it was the picture to use.

THE REASON:
In case some of you had forgotten, on the eleventh of September in the year 2001, America suffered the largest attack on American soil in over fifty years, in a tragedy where 2,974 people lost their lives. In the years that have followed, new government agencies have been formed, wars have been fought, and entire ways of thinking have been changed in the hopes of preventing something like that from ever happening again. Meanwhile, the very next year, (2002, if you didn't know that) the number of highway fatalities in the United States reached the staggering number of 17,419 deaths, which is nearly six times the number of dead in the 9/11 attacks. And after careful scientific research of my own design, which has consisted mostly of driving around from place to place when I need to get some oatmeal or ham or something, I have determined to within a margin of error of 0.015% that every single one of these tragic deaths was caused by someone driving a Ford Mustang. It's simple a proven fact: Mustang drivers speed, they pull out in front of you in the rain, they make right turns from the left lane, they try to pass you ten feet before a stop sign, and chances are pretty good that they even hate freedom. Every day my life is subject to deadly danger at the hands of kids in these 3,500 pound death-missiles, who only seem to be driving for someone else's benefit; that is, Cody or Tyler or whatever yuppie-ass name the guy has probably figures that Amber or Skyler or whoever will be a lot more likely to put out if he just makes sure to bring her within a hair's-breadth of fiery incredible death at least once over the course of the night. Makes no sense, but it's true. If you doubt my research, go driving in a moderately-sized city on the days of Friday or Saturday after 5:00 PM. If you never have to stomp on the breaks or swerve to another lane to avoid a collision with a Mustang, it means one of two things: Either you forgot to swerve or stomp the brakes and were actually involved in an accident with one, or you're just a god-damnable liar. So the point I'm trying to make here stands, and will stand under any sort of scrutiny:

The Ford Mustang automobile is a greater threat to the safety of the nation than Islamic terrorists could ever hope to be.

And that, gentle reader, is why the Ford Mustang will be made illegal when I am king. What's that, you say? Mustang-drivery is merely the symptom of a larger problem, and the car itself is not to blame? Well, the act of baby stabbing is merely the symptom of a larger problem, yet baby-knives are still illegal, last time I checked. My logic is flawless. So yeah, the Mustang was a cool car in some ways, and I guess it had a good run there for a while, but I'm sorry, it's time for it to go.

THE PUNISHMENT:
From now on, in addition to having their chests forever marked with a damning letter M, (for Mustang) all current Mustang drivers will now be forced to drive one of these:

Well, unless it's a gay Mustang driver, in which case I'll give them some naked lady mud flaps or something.
My word is law, and I have spoken, for I am The King.

NEXT TIME: Mohawks on small children.

THE DEVIL IS EVERYWHERE

This fell on my foot when I came in from checking the mail earlier. I think it might have already been dead when it happened, but I wasn't sure.

So I made sure. Stupid nature.

I have neglected this stuff lately

So here is a precious gift:

~HAPPY CHAIR~

LANCE BRIGGS

YAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

POSTSEASONPOSTMORTEM #4 - CUE-BEES

Aw, Christ.

REX GROSSMAN - Well, like I said the last time I updated this thing in early 1997, quarterbacks coach Pep Hamilton was brought in to bring consistency to Rex's play, so rather than having a few amazing games and a bunch of spine-curdlingly horrible ones, he just had a bunch of bad ones and ended up getting benched after a few games. This led to the Brian Griese era, which I'll get to in a minute. But anyway, some stuff ended up happening involving injured guys (I'm sensing a pattern here after a few years of typing things like this) Rex came back, and really wasn't too horrible for the few games he played before he got hurt (again), and as a result, he got a fat new one-year deal to make me grow hair for the sole purpose of growing it out for one more season. Don't you people see what he's doing? He didn't suck for those few games on purpose. He's like the Chicago Bear version of Kyle Boller, where he's horrible, but does just good enough to not go to a different team, just so he can keep infuriating you. Can't you see this!? He's evil. I think the only way to finally get rid of him would involve decapitating him and burying him in the soil under the house he was born in.

BRIAN GRIESE - This guy... He's like the most nondescript player in the NFL. He's not really that good, but he's not really that bad, either. He even looks like just some dude, too. Like he'd be the guy you see in Wal Mart with a tie and some slacks on, all shaking the hand really hard of some dude he just bumped into that he knew or something. Actually, now that I think about him, that makes him the Perfect Chicago Bears Mediocre Quarterback. Think about it. Jim Harbaugh? Half-decent nondescript white dude. Jim Miller? Half-decent nondescript white dude. When they stray from that formula, bad things tend to happen. Cade McNown? Asshole, sucked. Kordell Stewart? Black guy, sucked. Craig Krenzel? Googly-eyed psycho, sucked. Grossman? Fratboy looking dude, sucked. When they stray from the nondescript white guy formula, bad things happen. Unless you consider that Mike Tomczak and Jonathan Quinn were both nondescript white guys who were horrible, and Sid Luckman was like the Century's Greatest Jewish Athlete or whatever, then it kinda shoots my theory out of the water. Huh. Well, I didn't say it was a fully-formed theory. But yeah, Brian Griese wasn't good enough to be happy about, but not shitty enough to get mad about. Which was an improvement, actually.

KYLE ORTON - This guy just couldn't catch a break over the last couple years. After winning ten games as a rookie starter, they went out and signed a new backup (Griese) in 2006. And in 2007, after both Grossman and Griese kind of screwed the pooch, and the Bears were left in "well, this year's over, let's see what we have for next year" mode, it took Rex Grossman blowing up his knee for him to get any playing time. And when he got to play, he followed one godawful game with some actual decent play in those two games the Bears won to screw up their draft position. So now, we finally get what we've wanted for years, which is an actual quarterback competition, rather than more press conferences with Lovie Smith telling us how "Rex is my quarterback" and how they "go with the players who give us the best chance to win," even though they had just used the same players all year, who had sucked all year. But yeah, Kyle Orton doesn't seem to be much more than the next great Mediocre Nondescript White Guy, but at least that would be better than what's been going on lately. Hell, if he can stabilize the quarterback position next year, I might almost forgive him for looking like he's one "corduroy jacket over faded T-shirt and ripped jeans" ensemble away from being the dude who uses the word "broseph" in a non-ironic manner and constantly tells you that you need to check out the new Flaming Lips CD, because he "heard you liked to rock out."
Huh. Maybe that's what needs to happen. They've already got the neckbearded hipster in Orton and the preppy date-rape king looking dude in Grossman. Maybe they should cut Griese and find a QB in the draft with a military haircut and a tribal tattoo somewhere, put an Affliction T-shirt on him, and then make him work the word "bro" into every sentence and the phrase "I train MMA" into every paragraph. They'd still probably suck at the quarterback position, but then, they'd complete the perfect Trifecta of Fratboy Faggotry. Worth a try, I suppose.

But yeah, given the alternatives, in 2008, more than ever:
(and for the record, I've actually figured out a way to sell the above bootlegged t-shirt, so stay tuned for that, if you're into that sort of thing...)

Where Strides the Behemoth

R.I.P. Old, Shitty Chair

You were a good shitty old chair.

So, tax refunds

Computer's paid off, excess Christmas-type credit card bills are gone, and I just bought the only Matt Toeaina rookie card off Ebay for three dollars. Life is good.

POSTSEASONPOSTMORTEM #3 - NEW COACHES AND DRAFTEES

COACHING CHANGES
This is the part where it's hardest to remember and/or look up what happened with who. So you better appreciate this part, goddammit. And I can't find a definitive list, so I'm just going down the list of guys that the Bears website says joined the team in 2007.

DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR - Bob Babich - The biggest news was Ron Rivera heading off to do whatever in San Diego, with this guy, one of Lovie's old homeys from way back, taking his place. And the biggest complaint with Rivera was that his "bend, but don't break" philosophy gave up a lot of yards and put the Bears in a lot of bad situations. In the first week or so of the season, Babich had a much different philosophy, which was more along the lines of "BLITZ THEM! BREAK THEM! CRUSH THEM ALL! THEIR WOMEN SHALL BE OURS! THEIR CITIES SHALL BE AS DUST! FLESH! MORE FLESH FOR THE FIRE!" Which was then followed by an assistant coach frantically running up and telling him that Mike Brown and Dusty Dvoracek were injured, followed by him going "oh snap, maybe we should try bending, but not breaking," which was later followed another assistant notifying him that all the Bears' defensive players capable of only bending were on injured reserve, and with just easily-broken dudes out there, all hope was gone. At least I think that's how it went.
QUARTERBACKS COACH - Pep Hamilton - Apparently, his main task was going to be to help "bring consistency to the quarterback position." And hey, mission accomplished. Instead of the Sex Cannon having a few superlative games and a few godawful ones, he was just consistently bad all year. So he did his job well. Aside from that, all he managed to do was to bring shame and dishonor to the traditional African name "Pep."
OFFENSIVE LINE ASSISTANT - Luke Butkus - Hey, that's Dick Butkus's kid. Or grandkid. Or something. Who knows. But she sure did assist in a whole lot of the coaching of unblocking, that's for sure.
OFFENSIVE QUALITY CONTROL - Charles London - I think the thought of the Bears having an "offensive quality control" guy is something that could only happen as like a joke or a snide comment or something. But yeah, controlling something that doesn't exist had to have been an easy job.
DEFENSIVE LINE COACH - Brick Haley - Holy shit, I think they only hired this guy to overcompensate for having a dude named Pep on the team. That's the best name ever. I think I'm going to register to vote, just so I can write in "Brick Haley" for every governmental position. That's like the name of a guy who would parachute in with nothing more than a knife and a canteen and then slaughter the entire Viet Cong army. The name of a man who wouldn't wait until you were finished talking to slap the shit out of you. Wow.
LINEBACKERS COACH - Hardy Nickerson - THIS IS HARDY NICKERSON'S SHOE, MAN! BAAAAD THINGS, MAN!

THE DRAFT
Aw, hell.

Round 1, Pick 31 - Greg Olsen, TE, Miami - The Bears did Jerry Angelo's "we draft to our strengths" thing, and picked a guy they pretty much didn't need with Desmond Clark still around. Still, I suppose it worked out okay, because he seemed fully capable of turning into Jeremy Shockey, except a lot faster and without being as bad a blocker or as big an asshole as Jeremy Shockey.
Round 2, Pick 62 - Dan Bazuin, DE, Central Michigan - Another one of Angelo's annoying little things is his "look how smart I am for picking someone no one would have drafted at all in the second round!" strategy. Sure, Danieal Manning hasn't been completely embarrassing, but that crapshoot seems to have failed this time around, taking a bad player at a position the team was already three deep at. In fact, I'm pretty sure the fact that being on injured reserve freed up his roster spot is the only reason this dude didn't get cut in the preseason. Unless he's put on twenty pounds and learned how to play football against dudes who didn't get turned down by real colleges during his down time, he might be screwed in 2008.
Round 3, Pick 93 - Garrett Wolfe, RB, Northern Illinois - Another possible reach from a school that has to have a direction in its name, so people will know where it is. But despite the dude being five-foot-nothing and about 68 pounds, I honestly don't think this one was too bad. A little speedy quick dude with wide receiver hands is always useful, especially when you need a change of pace from your starting running back, who's supposed to be a big, bruising dude. But until a lot of coaches get fired, I don't see him doing much. Why? Because this is what we see when we look at Garrett Wolfe:

But this is what offensive coordinator Ron Turner sees when he looks at Garrett Wolfe:


I think what I'm trying to say here is AAARRGGGH WHYWOULDYOURUNA175POUNDRUNNINGBACKUPTHEMIDDLEON3RDAND7 AAAAARRRGGGGHHHHHHHH. Or something.
Round 3, Pick 94 - Michael Okwo, LB, Stanford - Well, with Lance Briggs's future as a Bear uncertain, of course you would draft a linebacker to replace him. Well, unless you had already drafted Jamar Williams to do that a year before. Oops.
Round 4, Pick 130 - Josh Beekman, OG, Boston College - Here's another real winner. This guy couldn't get a single snap of playing time as a backup behind what was one of the worst offensive lines in the league even before everyone started getting injured. In fact, by the end of the year, he was no longer a backup guard and was called a backup center instead. And in case you didn't know, no one has backup centers in the NFL. They just hope nothing happens to the starter and throw a guard in there when something does. Josh Beekman had an imaginary position this year. And I'm guessing he won't be back next year.
Round 5, Pick 167 - Kevin Payne, S, UL-Monroe - Hey, he was actually pretty good. Until he remembered he was a Chicago safety and got injured. Dammit.
Round 5, Pick 168 - Corey Graham, CB, New Hampshire - I honestly don't remember a thing about Corey Graham. He's a nice enough fellow, I'm sure.
Round 7, Pick 221 - Trumaine McBride, CB, Mississippi - Hey, he wasn't bad, either. Hell, he even jumped ahead of Ricky Manning Jr. and started most of the year after Nathan Vasher went down. I mean, he didn't exactly set the world on fire with his amazing pass coverage, but he's got a future.
Round 7, Pick 241 - Aaron Brant, OT, Iowa State - Hell, I dunno, practice squad?

NEXT TIME: QUARTERBACKS! Oh... Oh god...

HEEEEEEE-HEHEHEHEHEHE

FUKK U, PATRIOTS

Dear Pro Football Hall of Fame

You are dead to me, Pro Football Hall of Fame. Dead. Deader than Patriots quarterbacks were after Richard Dent sacked them one and a half times in Super Bowl XX.

You dead, dog.

You want a war?

You got it, motherfuckers.

PATRIOTS LOL

How did any of those other stupid teams ever lose to these dorks?

RANDOM SHIT: Let's talk about dinosaurs.

"There's no way to shorten Deinonychus into something as sleek, sexy, and marketable as "raptor." Seriously, could you see anyone going to a basketball game played by the Toronto Nychuses?"

READ MORE HERE

BEARS POST-SEASON POST-MORTEM - PT. 2 - OFFSEASON MOVES

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BEARS POST-SEASON POST-MORTEM - INTRO

Well, the football season is over now. What? There's still the playoffs left? Are you kidding me? Playoffs!? Child's play for fools is what that is. That's nothing but some middle-aged pill-freak and Peyton Manning's retarded brother competing to be the one that will fight against all odds to maybe come within ten points of respectability against a team coached by a homeless guy and quarterbacked by a man who carries a purse. That's not what football is about. Football is about pain, suffering, hopelessness, and wondering why the hell you spent seventy bucks on a shirt with tiny little holes in it. Football is about expressing impotent rage against millionaires who will never know your name. Football is about completely over analyzing things, but to such an extent that you can't feel superior to those stupid goddamn nerd baseball fans, who keep up with who has the most left-handed home runs on a cloudy day in September off a certain pitcher when his hat is crooked. Football is about despairing over what went wrong and holding on to hope that it can be fixed, even though you know deep down in your soul that they'll just resign Rex Grossman. That's what football is about.

Especially Bears football.

For this is a team that's gone twenty-two years without a championship and roughly fifty-eight years without a real franchise quarterback, and a team that's looking damn near ready for a complete blow-up and rebuild just one year separated from a Super Bowl appearance. And with all this bitterness and bile built up, it's time to take a long look at just what went wrong in 2007. And Unlike the Preseasonseasonpreview thing, I'll probably actually finish this one, because there's a looooong way to go before actual football happens again.
Stupid Bears. Stupid life.

Coming up first: THE OFFSEASON MOVES~

I am not satisfied until I have the world's strongest title again!

And this shall be my plane

Don't think of it as losing a pair of pants

Think of it as gaining a pair of shorts~



Also, here is a cat.