1. There Will Be Blood (2007)
You've probably heard of this one, seeing as it was like one of the hugest movies lately. Anyway, Daniel Day Lewis turns in the greatest performance of his or anyone else's career as an old-school oil baron, with the movie chronicling his story from rags to riches and from eccentirc, ruthless ambition to batshit, slap-fucking-craziness. I can see why this one won a bunch of awards, but seriously, it could have used some editing here and there. Scenes that could have wrapped up in one minute take five, and I swear, I think the first twenty minutes of the movie didn't have a single spoken word. But there are enough high points to make this a good movie that drags in places, as opposed to a three-hour shitfest, and it probably has the greatest ending scene of any movie ever. I won't spoil it for you, but if you've watched television, been around people who sometimes watch movies, or have the internet (safe assumption there), chances are pretty good that it's already been spoiled. Seriously, I think the only reason I sat through The Thin Red Line a long time ago was in the faint hope that it would have an ending like that. Overall, this was worth the time, I suppose.2. Still Crazy (1998)
This is one my special ladyfriend picked out, based mainly on Billy Connelly being prominently featured on the cover, and the fact that Billy Connelly is awesome. Anyway, it's a movie about a British rock band from the 70s trying to wage a comeback, and everything seemed to indicate that it was going to be some crazy-ass Spinal Tap sorta thing, with good times had by all. In reality, it was like a half-assed drama with Tap-esque moments here and there, but not enough to keep it from just sort of plodding along, being generally uninteresting most of the time. And it had some problems, like the ending not exactly being everything it should have been, (Like instead of the happy ending where everyone gets redeemed, one particular character just sort of goes out like a little bullshit man) and the big romantic subplot of the movie just gets suddenly dropped with no resolution or even further mention, like a World Championship Wrestling storyline from 2001. Also, Billy Connelly is a background character at best. The movie should have just been 90 minutes of him doing zany shit. All movies should be that. But yeah, could have lived without seeing this one.
Oh man. Here's what I learned from this movie:
This is one my special ladyfriend picked out, based mainly on Billy Connelly being prominently featured on the cover, and the fact that Billy Connelly is awesome. Anyway, it's a movie about a British rock band from the 70s trying to wage a comeback, and everything seemed to indicate that it was going to be some crazy-ass Spinal Tap sorta thing, with good times had by all. In reality, it was like a half-assed drama with Tap-esque moments here and there, but not enough to keep it from just sort of plodding along, being generally uninteresting most of the time. And it had some problems, like the ending not exactly being everything it should have been, (Like instead of the happy ending where everyone gets redeemed, one particular character just sort of goes out like a little bullshit man) and the big romantic subplot of the movie just gets suddenly dropped with no resolution or even further mention, like a World Championship Wrestling storyline from 2001. Also, Billy Connelly is a background character at best. The movie should have just been 90 minutes of him doing zany shit. All movies should be that. But yeah, could have lived without seeing this one.3. Reefer Madness (1936)
- If you smoke weed, you will be popular, and chicks will want to bone you.
- Everyone in the 1930s could not only play the piano, but they could all also play it at a virtuoso level.
- Weed is a narcotic more powerful, deadly, and addictive than cocaine or heroin.
- Weed will make you drive at breakneck speeds as high as 45 miles an hour, run over old dudes in cold blood, and not give a fuck.
- If you smoke "marihuana," you will go immediately and permanently insane enough to club a dude to death with cast-iron fireplace implements.
- It's really fun to say the word "education" like "ed-JOO-KAY-shun," all proper-like.
- Weed will make you carve up entire families and jump out of windows.
- Prim, proper people of the 1930s shunned marijauna, drank tea, played tennis, and SMOKED LIKE CHIMNEYS.
4. RAMBO (2008)
Rambo. Maaaaaaaan. Rambo. Holy crap, Rambo. Raaaaambooooooo. This is the kind of movie that never gets made anymore, because Hollywood no longer understands us. Somewhere along the line, someone saw how good Full Metal Jacket and Platoon were, and figured that from now on, every movie about a war needed to be like that. You know, the whole "hey guys, sometimes we need to stop and think that the 'good guys' sometimes might really be the bad guys, and that what we think are the 'bad guys' are really the good guys after all, and how we need to rethink our whole philosophy, and blah blah blah think blah, really makes you think" line of bullshit. If we wanted to think and be reminded of how horrible we are by association to war-related things, we'd stay home and watch the news. Sometimes, when you see a movie with someone getting their war on, you don't want to be lectured to or preached at. You want your good guys to be badasses and your bad guys to unspeakably evil and not worthy of any real sympathy, and just there as someone to be slaughtered by the good guys in the name of righteousness. The result of a movie like this is something called "fun," and an actual escape from all the things people go to movies to actually, you know... escape from. This is why Lions for Lambs bombed and Rambo destroyed a whole city block with its awesomeness. But anyway, enough half-retarded OPINIONZ 4 U, and on to the actual movie.
Some dudes are evil, and Rambo and his crack team of mercenaries destroy their entire being. That's all you need to know. That's all anyone ever needs to know. Rambo shoots people in the face with arrows, rips their throats out, slices their guts out, and basically machineguns one dude into liquid. Motion pictures were invented in the hope that a movie like this could one day be made.
Rambo. Maaaaaaaan. Rambo. Holy crap, Rambo. Raaaaambooooooo. This is the kind of movie that never gets made anymore, because Hollywood no longer understands us. Somewhere along the line, someone saw how good Full Metal Jacket and Platoon were, and figured that from now on, every movie about a war needed to be like that. You know, the whole "hey guys, sometimes we need to stop and think that the 'good guys' sometimes might really be the bad guys, and that what we think are the 'bad guys' are really the good guys after all, and how we need to rethink our whole philosophy, and blah blah blah think blah, really makes you think" line of bullshit. If we wanted to think and be reminded of how horrible we are by association to war-related things, we'd stay home and watch the news. Sometimes, when you see a movie with someone getting their war on, you don't want to be lectured to or preached at. You want your good guys to be badasses and your bad guys to unspeakably evil and not worthy of any real sympathy, and just there as someone to be slaughtered by the good guys in the name of righteousness. The result of a movie like this is something called "fun," and an actual escape from all the things people go to movies to actually, you know... escape from. This is why Lions for Lambs bombed and Rambo destroyed a whole city block with its awesomeness. But anyway, enough half-retarded OPINIONZ 4 U, and on to the actual movie.Some dudes are evil, and Rambo and his crack team of mercenaries destroy their entire being. That's all you need to know. That's all anyone ever needs to know. Rambo shoots people in the face with arrows, rips their throats out, slices their guts out, and basically machineguns one dude into liquid. Motion pictures were invented in the hope that a movie like this could one day be made.
5. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)
Without getting into things too much, because I'm sick of typing, don't listen to all the stunted man-children who tell you this movie is not rad. Indiana Jones gets in crazy situations and wisecracks his way out of them. Snakes become involved. Adventures beyond your wildest imagination are had. There are ancient tombs with traps in them. Indy fights a big ol' dude who dies horribly. And the kid from Transformers somehow doesn't screw the movie up. This movie is, in fact, rad. Hella-rad, I might even go so far as to say. So there.
Without getting into things too much, because I'm sick of typing, don't listen to all the stunted man-children who tell you this movie is not rad. Indiana Jones gets in crazy situations and wisecracks his way out of them. Snakes become involved. Adventures beyond your wildest imagination are had. There are ancient tombs with traps in them. Indy fights a big ol' dude who dies horribly. And the kid from Transformers somehow doesn't screw the movie up. This movie is, in fact, rad. Hella-rad, I might even go so far as to say. So there.
