See you fuckers in a week or so.

Later, folks.

ONE OF THOSE SONGS OF THE DAYS

Suicidal Tendencies - "I Saw Your Mommy"

Yesterday, as I went out of the house
I saw a body lying down quiet as a mouse
Lying face down in the sewer
I got up closer and realized that I knew her
All her organs coming from her inside
Slashed up skin sliced up hide
Turned her over and saw the tire tracks on her head
That's when I realized she was dead
I saw your mommy and your mommy's dead
I saw your mommy and your mommy's dead

Twisted body chopped off feet
Her body was minced meat
Bugs crawling on her arms
She's dead, can't do no harm
Gnarled up legs, broken and bent
Her last breath has been spent
I wonder how much you had to pay
To get your mom killed in such a bloody way

I saw your mommy and your mommy's dead
I watched her as she bled
Chewed off toes on her chopped off feet
I took a picture cause I thought it was neat
But the thing I like seeing the best
Was the rodents using her hair as a nest
I saw your mommy and your mommy's dead
I saw your mommy and your mommy's dead

Twisted body chopped off feet
Her body was minced meat
Bugs crawling on her arms
She's dead, can't do no harm
Gnarled up legs, broken and bent
Her last breath has been spent
I know it's your allowance that you really miss
But make it look good at her funeral, and give her a little kiss

I saw your mommy and your mommy's dead
I saw her lying in a pool of red
I think it's the greatest thing I'll ever see
Your dead mommy lying in front of me
I'll always remember her lying dead on the floor
I hope she dies twenty times more
I saw your mommy and your mommy's dead
I saw your mommy and your mommy's dead

Twisted body chopped off feet
Her body was minced meat
Bugs crawling on her arms
She's dead, can't do no harm
Gnarled up legs, broken and bent
Her last breath has been spent
I wonder how much you had to pay
To get your mom killed in such a bloody way

I talk to customers sometimes

Dude buying apples: You ever try one of these? (points at the Gala apples)
Me: Yeah.
Dude buying apples: You like 'em?
Me: Those? Yeah.
Dude buying apples: Shit yeah, dude, they're the fuckin' best. Especially after a FAT BOWL.
Me: Uh, right on.

Memories of Terror

Man. Someone on this one message board just mentioned the one thing thaqt truly terrified me beyond all other things when I was a kid. Q: The Winged Serpent. Back in small times when we could still afford HBO, this movie would come on, and it would freak my shit out. That flying snake-god thing just had to be real, and it just had to be coming to eat me and my dog. If I watched that movie, I wouldn't be able to sleep comfortably for weeks. Even now, as someone who rounds up to thirty years old and has seen multiple Evil Dead movies, a Faces of Death video, and got real bored one night and read a bunch of Cannibal Corpse lyrics, looking at stills from this movie gives me kind of a weird, uneasy feeling. Holy crap.

I'm better than you

Because I have a Neal Anderson rookie.

I Solve Crimes

So earlier today, someone posted this story at a message board I frequent. Basically, this dude raped somebody, and the cops released the composite sketch to the local news media type places, so people know who to look out for. And in case you were wondering, here's the sketch:

An impeccable likeness, I'm sure. Thing is, I got to looking at this picture, and something dawned on me: I've seen this guy somewhere before. But where? Then, while staring blankly at a wall and thinking about cartoons, which is what I usually do all day, the answer came to me:

The rapist is none other than Rusty Cuyler of "Squidbillies" fame. Case closed.

My name is Lucas. I solve crimes.

In other news...

Bill Introduced to make sex toys illegal in South Carolina.

If you outlaw dildos, only outlaws will have dildos.

Song of Thy Day

Vaginal Discharge - "Meth Lab Trailer Park"

So we bought the stuff and we headed home,
We're gonna make a lotta dough
Just crank out meth from our bath tub,
Won't have to work no more

And none of the neighbors gonna turn us in,
'Cause they're doin' just the same
So come on down and buy a bag,
And we'll be glad you came
Said we'll be glad you came

And the air smells bad, and the dogs are barking loud
But we've got satellite TV with stereo surround
Brand new carpet and furniture, all you see around
And it's always a party after dark in the meth lab trailer park
Said it's always a party after dark in the meth lab trailer park

Well, I've been up for four straight days,
And things are lookin' weird
No, I can't get a wink of sleep,
Though I drank about sixty beers
My head is startin' to hurt again,
Think I'll do another line
There goes my nose, it's bleedin' again,
But man, I'm feelin' fine
Said MAN, I'm feelin' fine!

And the air smells bad, and the dogs are barking loud
But we've got satellite DVD with THX surround
Brand new carpet and furniture, all you see around
And it's always a party after dark in the meth lab trailer park
Said it's always a party after dark in the meth lab trailer park

My plan

Someday, I'm going to become famous. Not sure how, but I will. And I'm going to totally become one of the cool kind of celebrities that everyone wants to be like. Like when I wear something, other people are going to wear it. And I'm totally going to bring back striped socks. That is my plan.

Messing around with some stuff.

Yup.

HAPPY EASTER

YOU FUCKS

Things I just learned...

In freezing rain that turns the road into a sheet of ice, the average driver in Norman, Oklahoma still sees nothing wrong with not using a turn sugnal and/or pulling right out in front of other cars.
Also, when my anti-lock brakes lock up, my car skids hard to the right.

When I'm God, it will be illegal for stupid people to drive.

Heard Rick Rubin's Gonna Produce the New Metallica Album

Here you go, Rick. Good luck.

HAPPY VALENTIME'S DAY

Today at work

While trying to say the phrase "put 'em too far apart," it came out as "tut 'em poo tar afart."

I've decided...

That the weight control cat food that Nutro makes smells like iced tea.
I wish we still had the bag it came in, so I could look up what the ingredients are. Perhaps orange pekoe is among them. Or something.

With all that in mind, here's a Voivod video.

SONG OF THE JUDGEMENT DAY

Anal Cunt - "Your Band's in the Cut-Out Bin"

Your record cost $3.99
Your record cost $2.99
Your record cost $1.99
And then it gets returned

Your band's in the cut-out bin
Your band's in the cut-out bin
Your band's in the cut-out bin
Your band's in the cut-out bin

You're right next to Hall & Oates
You're Right next to the Commodores
You're right next to Cameo
And you're a fucking homo

Your band's in the cut-out bin
Your band's in the cut-out bin
Your band's in the cut-out bin
Your band's in the cut-out bin
Cut-out bin, cut-out bin, cut-out bin, cut-out bin

You're in the return line
They don't take back records under $3.99
Then you start to fucking whine
Buy a real album next time

For the record

I can't believe I just spent ten minutes writing haikus about Terminator 2, either.

Terminator 2: Haiku Judgement Day

Terminator 2
I've watched it thrice in two days
That can't be healthy

Advanced prototype
Total liquid robot guy
Have you seen this boy?

Hey, this bigass dude
Is my own Terminator
Just don't kill those guys

How's my dog Wolfie?
Oh, Wolfie's doing just fine
But parents are dead

Learning computer
A neural-net processor
Helps Arnold find keys

A crazy-ass bitch
There's no fate but what we make
Gonna kill Dyson

The Terminator
Goes apeshit with minigun
Cacualties? Zip.

Liquid nitrogen
T-1000 all froze up
Blown up like a bitch

I know why you cry
But it's something I can't do
Now, please melt my ass

Haiku Massacre

I'm not Charlie Brown
He's a guy from out of town.
I met him in jail.

Ding Dongs, yo. Ding Dongs
You ain't fat. You ain't nothin'.
Inflatable suit.

Enis, Terrell, Haynes.
Rashaan Salaam, Cade McNown.
Cedric Benson? Fuck.

Oh, knock him out, John.
Shoot up in here amongst us;
One must have relief.

This toilet paper
It reminds me of John Wayne
Rough, tough, takes no shit.

I'm the Boogeyman
And I'm comin' to getcha.
Ha ha ha ha ha.