Chad Johnson has legally changed his last name to Ocho Cinco.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Dear ESPN...
Hey guys. Look, I know you guys all love Brett Favre. You looked the other way when he kept waffling over retirement for the last decade or so, you shrugged off all his 288 interceptions as being the result of a bad route by the receiver, you mentioned him at any opportunity during games that didn't even peripherally involve the Green Bay Packers, and I'm willing to guess that if he requested such a thing, you would all slaughter your own mothers in Brett Favre's name and follow it up by picking the dingleberries from his ass hair with your teeth, just to praise the glory of Favre. That's cool, though. You're sports media people, and that sort of thing is in your blood.
But now, there's this whole damn "Titletown USA" thing.
Look, I hate to say this, being a Chicago Bears fan and all, but just because the Packers are having such a nasty breakup with your boy, (editor's note: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha) it doesn't mean you get to reassign the goddamn name "Titletown USA." Green Bay, Wisconsin is, was, has been, and always will be Titletown USA. They came up with the fucking term. It's even on the official city seal:
What's next? Are you going to reassign "The Windy City" to New Orleans because of the damn hurricane? Is Chelan, Washington going to be the new "Big Apple," on account of their delicious apples? And seriously, Valdosta? What? What do they have? A Wal-Mart? You're seriously giving it to them based on high school football? Where you can be guaranteed at least seven wins by scheduling all the local division negative-five-A schools where the offensive tackles weigh 127 pounds and the home field is mostly dead grass and dirt? And a Division II college team? Shit. All wining titles against seminaries and dental schools. Hell, I could beat Valdosta State. Just get me a baseball bat and a reason. It's like they picked the lowliest goddamn place in the competition, just to fully express how butthurt they were at the Packers or something. Seriously, ESPN, this whole thing was a farce.
The Packers still suck, though.
But now, there's this whole damn "Titletown USA" thing.
Look, I hate to say this, being a Chicago Bears fan and all, but just because the Packers are having such a nasty breakup with your boy, (editor's note: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha) it doesn't mean you get to reassign the goddamn name "Titletown USA." Green Bay, Wisconsin is, was, has been, and always will be Titletown USA. They came up with the fucking term. It's even on the official city seal:
What's next? Are you going to reassign "The Windy City" to New Orleans because of the damn hurricane? Is Chelan, Washington going to be the new "Big Apple," on account of their delicious apples? And seriously, Valdosta? What? What do they have? A Wal-Mart? You're seriously giving it to them based on high school football? Where you can be guaranteed at least seven wins by scheduling all the local division negative-five-A schools where the offensive tackles weigh 127 pounds and the home field is mostly dead grass and dirt? And a Division II college team? Shit. All wining titles against seminaries and dental schools. Hell, I could beat Valdosta State. Just get me a baseball bat and a reason. It's like they picked the lowliest goddamn place in the competition, just to fully express how butthurt they were at the Packers or something. Seriously, ESPN, this whole thing was a farce.The Packers still suck, though.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
The joys of vehicle maintenance
You know what this is? It's my old fuel filter, from my car.You know what that little red spot on it is?
Why, it's the same thing that's on this screw driver...
Just behind my driver's side headlight...
And here, on my bumper.It's my old HUMAN BLOOD, from my BODY.
Meanwhile, here's the real bummer:
Ouch. Oh well.
Represent.Sunday, July 13, 2008
Oh man, I'm on Ebay
I decided I'd like to buy some stupid shit sometime soon, and to eliminate the practical impact such purchases would have, I'll sell some of my previous stupid shit. Most of it is going to consist of football cards that will sell at heart-breakingly low prices, but I decided to start things off with the big daddy of them all, which probably won't sell at all.
But here you go. And yes, I do feel like such a hack for that "A must-have for any true fan!" crap.
It's that crazy-rare Metallica CD I retardedly found for $8 at Hastings a while back, and if it goes for my outrageous asking price, (which is actually about the same as what I've seen it go for at auction in the past) I'll be really close to my $110 goal, which is what I'm assuming autographed cards of Devin Hester and Brian Urlacher will cost. But hey, if I'm gonna chase the dragon, I might as well not dip into my paycheck to do it. The Urlacher/Hester Autograph Ebay Telethon has begun~
UPDATE: Oh snap. SOLD. Now, hopefully the payment/shipping types things will go smoothly. Stupid forgetting about international folks.
But here you go. And yes, I do feel like such a hack for that "A must-have for any true fan!" crap.
It's that crazy-rare Metallica CD I retardedly found for $8 at Hastings a while back, and if it goes for my outrageous asking price, (which is actually about the same as what I've seen it go for at auction in the past) I'll be really close to my $110 goal, which is what I'm assuming autographed cards of Devin Hester and Brian Urlacher will cost. But hey, if I'm gonna chase the dragon, I might as well not dip into my paycheck to do it. The Urlacher/Hester Autograph Ebay Telethon has begun~
UPDATE: Oh snap. SOLD. Now, hopefully the payment/shipping types things will go smoothly. Stupid forgetting about international folks.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Saturday, July 05, 2008
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Five movies I've watched lately
Well, gotta update this thing somehow...
You've probably heard of this one, seeing as it was like one of the hugest movies lately. Anyway, Daniel Day Lewis turns in the greatest performance of his or anyone else's career as an old-school oil baron, with the movie chronicling his story from rags to riches and from eccentirc, ruthless ambition to batshit, slap-fucking-craziness. I can see why this one won a bunch of awards, but seriously, it could have used some editing here and there. Scenes that could have wrapped up in one minute take five, and I swear, I think the first twenty minutes of the movie didn't have a single spoken word. But there are enough high points to make this a good movie that drags in places, as opposed to a three-hour shitfest, and it probably has the greatest ending scene of any movie ever. I won't spoil it for you, but if you've watched television, been around people who sometimes watch movies, or have the internet (safe assumption there), chances are pretty good that it's already been spoiled. Seriously, I think the only reason I sat through The Thin Red Line a long time ago was in the faint hope that it would have an ending like that. Overall, this was worth the time, I suppose.
1. There Will Be Blood (2007)
You've probably heard of this one, seeing as it was like one of the hugest movies lately. Anyway, Daniel Day Lewis turns in the greatest performance of his or anyone else's career as an old-school oil baron, with the movie chronicling his story from rags to riches and from eccentirc, ruthless ambition to batshit, slap-fucking-craziness. I can see why this one won a bunch of awards, but seriously, it could have used some editing here and there. Scenes that could have wrapped up in one minute take five, and I swear, I think the first twenty minutes of the movie didn't have a single spoken word. But there are enough high points to make this a good movie that drags in places, as opposed to a three-hour shitfest, and it probably has the greatest ending scene of any movie ever. I won't spoil it for you, but if you've watched television, been around people who sometimes watch movies, or have the internet (safe assumption there), chances are pretty good that it's already been spoiled. Seriously, I think the only reason I sat through The Thin Red Line a long time ago was in the faint hope that it would have an ending like that. Overall, this was worth the time, I suppose.2. Still Crazy (1998)
This is one my special ladyfriend picked out, based mainly on Billy Connelly being prominently featured on the cover, and the fact that Billy Connelly is awesome. Anyway, it's a movie about a British rock band from the 70s trying to wage a comeback, and everything seemed to indicate that it was going to be some crazy-ass Spinal Tap sorta thing, with good times had by all. In reality, it was like a half-assed drama with Tap-esque moments here and there, but not enough to keep it from just sort of plodding along, being generally uninteresting most of the time. And it had some problems, like the ending not exactly being everything it should have been, (Like instead of the happy ending where everyone gets redeemed, one particular character just sort of goes out like a little bullshit man) and the big romantic subplot of the movie just gets suddenly dropped with no resolution or even further mention, like a World Championship Wrestling storyline from 2001. Also, Billy Connelly is a background character at best. The movie should have just been 90 minutes of him doing zany shit. All movies should be that. But yeah, could have lived without seeing this one.
Oh man. Here's what I learned from this movie:
This is one my special ladyfriend picked out, based mainly on Billy Connelly being prominently featured on the cover, and the fact that Billy Connelly is awesome. Anyway, it's a movie about a British rock band from the 70s trying to wage a comeback, and everything seemed to indicate that it was going to be some crazy-ass Spinal Tap sorta thing, with good times had by all. In reality, it was like a half-assed drama with Tap-esque moments here and there, but not enough to keep it from just sort of plodding along, being generally uninteresting most of the time. And it had some problems, like the ending not exactly being everything it should have been, (Like instead of the happy ending where everyone gets redeemed, one particular character just sort of goes out like a little bullshit man) and the big romantic subplot of the movie just gets suddenly dropped with no resolution or even further mention, like a World Championship Wrestling storyline from 2001. Also, Billy Connelly is a background character at best. The movie should have just been 90 minutes of him doing zany shit. All movies should be that. But yeah, could have lived without seeing this one.3. Reefer Madness (1936)
- If you smoke weed, you will be popular, and chicks will want to bone you.
- Everyone in the 1930s could not only play the piano, but they could all also play it at a virtuoso level.
- Weed is a narcotic more powerful, deadly, and addictive than cocaine or heroin.
- Weed will make you drive at breakneck speeds as high as 45 miles an hour, run over old dudes in cold blood, and not give a fuck.
- If you smoke "marihuana," you will go immediately and permanently insane enough to club a dude to death with cast-iron fireplace implements.
- It's really fun to say the word "education" like "ed-JOO-KAY-shun," all proper-like.
- Weed will make you carve up entire families and jump out of windows.
- Prim, proper people of the 1930s shunned marijauna, drank tea, played tennis, and SMOKED LIKE CHIMNEYS.
4. RAMBO (2008)
Rambo. Maaaaaaaan. Rambo. Holy crap, Rambo. Raaaaambooooooo. This is the kind of movie that never gets made anymore, because Hollywood no longer understands us. Somewhere along the line, someone saw how good Full Metal Jacket and Platoon were, and figured that from now on, every movie about a war needed to be like that. You know, the whole "hey guys, sometimes we need to stop and think that the 'good guys' sometimes might really be the bad guys, and that what we think are the 'bad guys' are really the good guys after all, and how we need to rethink our whole philosophy, and blah blah blah think blah, really makes you think" line of bullshit. If we wanted to think and be reminded of how horrible we are by association to war-related things, we'd stay home and watch the news. Sometimes, when you see a movie with someone getting their war on, you don't want to be lectured to or preached at. You want your good guys to be badasses and your bad guys to unspeakably evil and not worthy of any real sympathy, and just there as someone to be slaughtered by the good guys in the name of righteousness. The result of a movie like this is something called "fun," and an actual escape from all the things people go to movies to actually, you know... escape from. This is why Lions for Lambs bombed and Rambo destroyed a whole city block with its awesomeness. But anyway, enough half-retarded OPINIONZ 4 U, and on to the actual movie.
Some dudes are evil, and Rambo and his crack team of mercenaries destroy their entire being. That's all you need to know. That's all anyone ever needs to know. Rambo shoots people in the face with arrows, rips their throats out, slices their guts out, and basically machineguns one dude into liquid. Motion pictures were invented in the hope that a movie like this could one day be made.
Rambo. Maaaaaaaan. Rambo. Holy crap, Rambo. Raaaaambooooooo. This is the kind of movie that never gets made anymore, because Hollywood no longer understands us. Somewhere along the line, someone saw how good Full Metal Jacket and Platoon were, and figured that from now on, every movie about a war needed to be like that. You know, the whole "hey guys, sometimes we need to stop and think that the 'good guys' sometimes might really be the bad guys, and that what we think are the 'bad guys' are really the good guys after all, and how we need to rethink our whole philosophy, and blah blah blah think blah, really makes you think" line of bullshit. If we wanted to think and be reminded of how horrible we are by association to war-related things, we'd stay home and watch the news. Sometimes, when you see a movie with someone getting their war on, you don't want to be lectured to or preached at. You want your good guys to be badasses and your bad guys to unspeakably evil and not worthy of any real sympathy, and just there as someone to be slaughtered by the good guys in the name of righteousness. The result of a movie like this is something called "fun," and an actual escape from all the things people go to movies to actually, you know... escape from. This is why Lions for Lambs bombed and Rambo destroyed a whole city block with its awesomeness. But anyway, enough half-retarded OPINIONZ 4 U, and on to the actual movie.Some dudes are evil, and Rambo and his crack team of mercenaries destroy their entire being. That's all you need to know. That's all anyone ever needs to know. Rambo shoots people in the face with arrows, rips their throats out, slices their guts out, and basically machineguns one dude into liquid. Motion pictures were invented in the hope that a movie like this could one day be made.
5. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)
Without getting into things too much, because I'm sick of typing, don't listen to all the stunted man-children who tell you this movie is not rad. Indiana Jones gets in crazy situations and wisecracks his way out of them. Snakes become involved. Adventures beyond your wildest imagination are had. There are ancient tombs with traps in them. Indy fights a big ol' dude who dies horribly. And the kid from Transformers somehow doesn't screw the movie up. This movie is, in fact, rad. Hella-rad, I might even go so far as to say. So there.
Without getting into things too much, because I'm sick of typing, don't listen to all the stunted man-children who tell you this movie is not rad. Indiana Jones gets in crazy situations and wisecracks his way out of them. Snakes become involved. Adventures beyond your wildest imagination are had. There are ancient tombs with traps in them. Indy fights a big ol' dude who dies horribly. And the kid from Transformers somehow doesn't screw the movie up. This movie is, in fact, rad. Hella-rad, I might even go so far as to say. So there.
Thursday, June 05, 2008
Monday, June 02, 2008
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, PEOPLE
You scan the item.
Then, a screen comes up telling you to put it in the bag.
Then, you put it in the bag.
Then, you scan another item, and the process repeats itself.
YOU DO NOT SCAN THE ITEM, HOLD IT LOOKING DUMBFOUNDED WHILE THE SCREEN TELLING YOU TO PUT IT IN THE BAG SHOWS UP, WAIT FOR IT TO GO AWAY, GIVE UP AND PRESS "SKIP BAGGING," THEN PUT IT IN THE BAG, WHICH LOCKS THE MACHINE UP AND MAKES A CASHIER HAVE TO COME AND BAIL YOU OUT. YOU ALSO DO NOT DO THIS WITH EVERY SINGLE THING YOU SCAN.
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, PEOPLE
Then, a screen comes up telling you to put it in the bag.
Then, you put it in the bag.
Then, you scan another item, and the process repeats itself.
YOU DO NOT SCAN THE ITEM, HOLD IT LOOKING DUMBFOUNDED WHILE THE SCREEN TELLING YOU TO PUT IT IN THE BAG SHOWS UP, WAIT FOR IT TO GO AWAY, GIVE UP AND PRESS "SKIP BAGGING," THEN PUT IT IN THE BAG, WHICH LOCKS THE MACHINE UP AND MAKES A CASHIER HAVE TO COME AND BAIL YOU OUT. YOU ALSO DO NOT DO THIS WITH EVERY SINGLE THING YOU SCAN.
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, PEOPLE
Monday, May 26, 2008
In lieu of an update, here's the SONG OF THE DAY
Dethklok - "Duncan Hills Coffee Jingle"
Do You Folks Like Coffee?
Real Coffee,
From the Hills Of Colombia?
The Duncan Hills awake you
From A Thousand Deaths.
A Cup Of blackened Blood.
(Die, Die)
You're Dying For A Cup.
Guatemala Blend,
Ethiopian,
French Vanilla Roast.
(Die, Die)
You're Dying For A Cup.
Prepare For Ultimate Flavor!
You're Gonna Get Some... now
And Scream... For Your Cream
Duncan Hills,
Duncan Hills,
Duncan Hills Coffee.
Do You Folks Like Coffee?
Real Coffee,
From the Hills Of Colombia?
The Duncan Hills awake you
From A Thousand Deaths.
A Cup Of blackened Blood.
(Die, Die)
You're Dying For A Cup.
Guatemala Blend,
Ethiopian,
French Vanilla Roast.
(Die, Die)
You're Dying For A Cup.
Prepare For Ultimate Flavor!
You're Gonna Get Some... now
And Scream... For Your Cream
Duncan Hills,
Duncan Hills,
Duncan Hills Coffee.
Friday, May 02, 2008
What the hail?
Just thought I'd share the latest retarded Oklahoma weather. Basically, this is what just happened:
So now, this stuff is everywhere:
Fun times. My car made it out okay, though, and that's what really matters. Screw everyone else and their cars and lives and stuff.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
TEN THINGS THAT WILL BE ILLEGAL WHEN AM I KING: PART ONE
Introduction: This is a thing I was really planning on doing a Random Shit about, but never could bring myself to type out a whole long thing, so I figured I'd do it in installments here. So what that means is that it'll eventually get abandoned when I move on to bigger and better things, so just smile, nod, and enjoy the five-to-seven of these that I actually bother to type up.
In case some of you had forgotten, on the eleventh of September in the year 2001, America suffered the largest attack on American soil in over fifty years, in a tragedy where 2,974 people lost their lives. In the years that have followed, new government agencies have been formed, wars have been fought, and entire ways of thinking have been changed in the hopes of preventing something like that from ever happening again. Meanwhile, the very next year, (2002, if you didn't know that) the number of highway fatalities in the United States reached the staggering number of 17,419 deaths, which is nearly six times the number of dead in the 9/11 attacks. And after careful scientific research of my own design, which has consisted mostly of driving around from place to place when I need to get some oatmeal or ham or something, I have determined to within a margin of error of 0.015% that every single one of these tragic deaths was caused by someone driving a Ford Mustang. It's simple a proven fact: Mustang drivers speed, they pull out in front of you in the rain, they make right turns from the left lane, they try to pass you ten feet before a stop sign, and chances are pretty good that they even hate freedom. Every day my life is subject to deadly danger at the hands of kids in these 3,500 pound death-missiles, who only seem to be driving for someone else's benefit; that is, Cody or Tyler or whatever yuppie-ass name the guy has probably figures that Amber or Skyler or whoever will be a lot more likely to put out if he just makes sure to bring her within a hair's-breadth of fiery incredible death at least once over the course of the night. Makes no sense, but it's true. If you doubt my research, go driving in a moderately-sized city on the days of Friday or Saturday after 5:00 PM. If you never have to stomp on the breaks or swerve to another lane to avoid a collision with a Mustang, it means one of two things: Either you forgot to swerve or stomp the brakes and were actually involved in an accident with one, or you're just a god-damnable liar. So the point I'm trying to make here stands, and will stand under any sort of scrutiny:
The Ford Mustang automobile is a greater threat to the safety of the nation than Islamic terrorists could ever hope to be.
And that, gentle reader, is why the Ford Mustang will be made illegal when I am king. What's that, you say? Mustang-drivery is merely the symptom of a larger problem, and the car itself is not to blame? Well, the act of baby stabbing is merely the symptom of a larger problem, yet baby-knives are still illegal, last time I checked. My logic is flawless. So yeah, the Mustang was a cool car in some ways, and I guess it had a good run there for a while, but I'm sorry, it's time for it to go.
THE PUNISHMENT:
From now on, in addition to having their chests forever marked with a damning letter M, (for Mustang) all current Mustang drivers will now be forced to drive one of these:
Well, unless it's a gay Mustang driver, in which case I'll give them some naked lady mud flaps or something.
My word is law, and I have spoken, for I am The King.
NEXT TIME: Mohawks on small children.
FIRST: THE FORD MUSTANG.
This showed up on Google Image Search with he word "douche" under it, so I knew it was the picture to use.
THE REASON:
This showed up on Google Image Search with he word "douche" under it, so I knew it was the picture to use.In case some of you had forgotten, on the eleventh of September in the year 2001, America suffered the largest attack on American soil in over fifty years, in a tragedy where 2,974 people lost their lives. In the years that have followed, new government agencies have been formed, wars have been fought, and entire ways of thinking have been changed in the hopes of preventing something like that from ever happening again. Meanwhile, the very next year, (2002, if you didn't know that) the number of highway fatalities in the United States reached the staggering number of 17,419 deaths, which is nearly six times the number of dead in the 9/11 attacks. And after careful scientific research of my own design, which has consisted mostly of driving around from place to place when I need to get some oatmeal or ham or something, I have determined to within a margin of error of 0.015% that every single one of these tragic deaths was caused by someone driving a Ford Mustang. It's simple a proven fact: Mustang drivers speed, they pull out in front of you in the rain, they make right turns from the left lane, they try to pass you ten feet before a stop sign, and chances are pretty good that they even hate freedom. Every day my life is subject to deadly danger at the hands of kids in these 3,500 pound death-missiles, who only seem to be driving for someone else's benefit; that is, Cody or Tyler or whatever yuppie-ass name the guy has probably figures that Amber or Skyler or whoever will be a lot more likely to put out if he just makes sure to bring her within a hair's-breadth of fiery incredible death at least once over the course of the night. Makes no sense, but it's true. If you doubt my research, go driving in a moderately-sized city on the days of Friday or Saturday after 5:00 PM. If you never have to stomp on the breaks or swerve to another lane to avoid a collision with a Mustang, it means one of two things: Either you forgot to swerve or stomp the brakes and were actually involved in an accident with one, or you're just a god-damnable liar. So the point I'm trying to make here stands, and will stand under any sort of scrutiny:
The Ford Mustang automobile is a greater threat to the safety of the nation than Islamic terrorists could ever hope to be.
And that, gentle reader, is why the Ford Mustang will be made illegal when I am king. What's that, you say? Mustang-drivery is merely the symptom of a larger problem, and the car itself is not to blame? Well, the act of baby stabbing is merely the symptom of a larger problem, yet baby-knives are still illegal, last time I checked. My logic is flawless. So yeah, the Mustang was a cool car in some ways, and I guess it had a good run there for a while, but I'm sorry, it's time for it to go.THE PUNISHMENT:
From now on, in addition to having their chests forever marked with a damning letter M, (for Mustang) all current Mustang drivers will now be forced to drive one of these:
Well, unless it's a gay Mustang driver, in which case I'll give them some naked lady mud flaps or something.My word is law, and I have spoken, for I am The King.
NEXT TIME: Mohawks on small children.
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
THE DEVIL IS EVERYWHERE
This fell on my foot when I came in from checking the mail earlier. I think it might have already been dead when it happened, but I wasn't sure.
So I made sure. Stupid nature.
So I made sure. Stupid nature.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
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