At least that's what they tell me.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Goddammit, I knew I shouldn't have said anything
Back in the day, I was all about making posts about my fish tank, and all it ever ended up being was a horrifying chronicle of guppy-death. So I shut up about it, and things went well for a year or so. But I just had to open my damn mouth, and things went goddamn haywire in there. For starters, I had to learn that my old heater was broken and stuck in the "on" position, meaning that if I used it, it would fry the fish, so it had to be unplugged. It had to be unplugged on the first cold night of the year. So overnight, the temperature drops from my normal 80 degrees to around 72, which is a really, really bad thing to happen to tropical fish. The resulting stress caused a shitty outbreak of columnaris in there that covered the tiger barbs in white fuzzy crap and just absolutely destroyed the rubber-lipped plecostomus in about 24 hours. I'm not gonna go into gory details, but after I scooped him out to give him a seaman's funeral, I considered just throwing the damn net away and buying a new one. Anyway, two 25% water changes, thirty-five dollars for a new heater and about twenty-five dollars for medicine later, the three barbs are pretty much white stuff free, and both Darrells are acting more or less like normal, but Larry's acting really stressed out and sick. It's weird, because you'd think the biggest one of the three would get better fastest, but this is something that tok out an algae-eater almost insantly, which is usually something that takes a blowtorch to do, so this illness doesn't have to make sense. Anyway, four more days of dosing with Maracyn and six more of Melafix and Pimafix to go. Hopefully everything works out. In the meantime, R.I.P. Algae Crumpler.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Current Status
Haven't done this in like eight hundred years, so I figured I'd detail what's been going on in fish tank world. First, here's the ten-gallon I got in 2006, still going strong:
It's kind of a shameful thing right now, as I had a mysterious plant die-off a while back that spooked the shit out of the fish, so I had to put the plastic plants back in until things grow back to a decent size. The lily is still enormous and shooting up new leaves faster than the algae-eater can destroy them, and after he chewed the bulb off, it's starting to sprout out the beginnings of a whole damn new plant. But aside from the one in the front-left corner, all my various kinds of aponegetons that used to fill up the tank died back hard, with a few offshoots from the originals trying to make a comeback, and a couple tiny ones that have been there a while and probably won't ever hit any significant size. If all else fails, I'll just start gradually replacing the plastic plants with store-bought fully-grown ones. It's not as cool as growing your own from a bulb, but the plastic plants make me feel so dirty.
As for the actual fish, since the last mention of the tank, I think around the time ice storms forced me from my home, the betta I had in there died, possibly due to shitty tank maintenace and an overfeeding of those little freeze-dried worms that were all he'd eat. The rubber-lipped plecostomus (since christened Algae Crumpler) remains, which is crazy, seeing as how he's lasted two years after being thrown in an uncycled tank by a complete amateur who ended up sending countless guppies and mollies to their doom in unlivable water. Tap water, even. Now, completely cycled and free from ammonia and nitrites, I've got three tiger barbs in there, which in another case of me breaking my "oh man, I can't name a fish, because all they ever do is die" rule, have been named Larry, Darrell, and Darrell. There was a fourth, Darrell, but after a couple months, he got this really messed-up swim-bladder problem. If I had a forty, I'd pour it out for him. Anyway, tiger barbs are nippy little bastards, all into establishing a pecking order, where Larry, identifiable by bigger fins and a spot in addition to the usual stripes, is the clear leader of the pack. Every now and then, he gets in these little fishy roid-rages that leave Darrell running for his/her life while Darrell hides up in a lily pad. Of the other two, Darrell 1 is the other big one, who's fairly peaceful and may or may not be a lady, and Darrell 2 is the little one whose small-man complex makes him chase the other Darrell around occasionally and makes him usually be the first one to swim out in the open after the gravel-vacuum freaks them out and sends them to huddle in one corner. So these things have relatively well-developed personalities for animals with brains the size of a pin head.
Oh yeah, and I've also got this one now, a two-gallon:
Since she's awesome, my special lady-friend Sarah provided much of what you see here, like the two big plants, (and a third gigantic, awesome one that I accidentally snapped while moving stuff around, and it's finally fragment is that little tiny one on the bottom-right) the Buddha statue, and Picasso, the Betta you see swimming around in there. When we got him, he was this tiny little baby-sized thing with bleached-out, almost transparent fins, but now, he's fully crown, hella-colorful, and fucking pissed. He feels no pain and fears no man, and while the barbs run for the hills when I do stuff in their tank, he swims right up to my hand, and flares his gills like one of those desert lizards. He is the Charles Bronson of fish. He spends his time blowing those little bubble nests, challenging my finger to fights, and swimming around, which is something bullshit-artists will tell you that Bettas don't do.
Seriously, most of the crap they'll tell you about these things when they're trying to sell one to you is absolute, cruel, fish-murdering shit. They don't live in puddles in the wild; they live in damn rice paddies. They aren't stationary fish that love living in a goddamn pint of water, they swim the hell around, and in nature, they're in thousands of gallons. They need all the same shit a regular tropical fish needs, with a few differences. They don't need a huge tank or anything, (and depending on who you ask, putting them in a big tank can actually stress them) but I'd say they need at least a gallon, preferably between two and five. definitely not the little bowls and cups people always have them in. If the container is too small for a filter, it's too small for a Betta. And yes, unless you're good enough to remember to change out some water every day, they need to be kept at tropical-type temperatures, and they need a filter. Not a big ass powerful one, because it knocks them around, but one of those little air pump-driven Whisper ones works just fine, and if you know how to make a decent sponge filter, (I tried and failed, for the most part) that's even better. So if somebody tries to sell you a little fish bowl for a Betta, you should call them a son of a bitch, and if they try to sell you a "Betta vase," you should mercilessly beat the shit out of them. Fuck Betta vases. The plant's roots don't do shit to clean the water, and a Betta is a damn carnivore, so it can't live off the plant. The only reason a Betta lasts as long as it does in those is because it takes them a month to starve to death. So instead of buying a Betta vase, you might as well just buy the fish separately, get a couple little pieces of wood and a stapler, and just crucify the little sucker. It's basically the same thing as getting a fucking Betta vase. Fucking people.
But yeah, anyway, I sure hope the heater in there works.
It's kind of a shameful thing right now, as I had a mysterious plant die-off a while back that spooked the shit out of the fish, so I had to put the plastic plants back in until things grow back to a decent size. The lily is still enormous and shooting up new leaves faster than the algae-eater can destroy them, and after he chewed the bulb off, it's starting to sprout out the beginnings of a whole damn new plant. But aside from the one in the front-left corner, all my various kinds of aponegetons that used to fill up the tank died back hard, with a few offshoots from the originals trying to make a comeback, and a couple tiny ones that have been there a while and probably won't ever hit any significant size. If all else fails, I'll just start gradually replacing the plastic plants with store-bought fully-grown ones. It's not as cool as growing your own from a bulb, but the plastic plants make me feel so dirty.
As for the actual fish, since the last mention of the tank, I think around the time ice storms forced me from my home, the betta I had in there died, possibly due to shitty tank maintenace and an overfeeding of those little freeze-dried worms that were all he'd eat. The rubber-lipped plecostomus (since christened Algae Crumpler) remains, which is crazy, seeing as how he's lasted two years after being thrown in an uncycled tank by a complete amateur who ended up sending countless guppies and mollies to their doom in unlivable water. Tap water, even. Now, completely cycled and free from ammonia and nitrites, I've got three tiger barbs in there, which in another case of me breaking my "oh man, I can't name a fish, because all they ever do is die" rule, have been named Larry, Darrell, and Darrell. There was a fourth, Darrell, but after a couple months, he got this really messed-up swim-bladder problem. If I had a forty, I'd pour it out for him. Anyway, tiger barbs are nippy little bastards, all into establishing a pecking order, where Larry, identifiable by bigger fins and a spot in addition to the usual stripes, is the clear leader of the pack. Every now and then, he gets in these little fishy roid-rages that leave Darrell running for his/her life while Darrell hides up in a lily pad. Of the other two, Darrell 1 is the other big one, who's fairly peaceful and may or may not be a lady, and Darrell 2 is the little one whose small-man complex makes him chase the other Darrell around occasionally and makes him usually be the first one to swim out in the open after the gravel-vacuum freaks them out and sends them to huddle in one corner. So these things have relatively well-developed personalities for animals with brains the size of a pin head.
Oh yeah, and I've also got this one now, a two-gallon:
Since she's awesome, my special lady-friend Sarah provided much of what you see here, like the two big plants, (and a third gigantic, awesome one that I accidentally snapped while moving stuff around, and it's finally fragment is that little tiny one on the bottom-right) the Buddha statue, and Picasso, the Betta you see swimming around in there. When we got him, he was this tiny little baby-sized thing with bleached-out, almost transparent fins, but now, he's fully crown, hella-colorful, and fucking pissed. He feels no pain and fears no man, and while the barbs run for the hills when I do stuff in their tank, he swims right up to my hand, and flares his gills like one of those desert lizards. He is the Charles Bronson of fish. He spends his time blowing those little bubble nests, challenging my finger to fights, and swimming around, which is something bullshit-artists will tell you that Bettas don't do.Seriously, most of the crap they'll tell you about these things when they're trying to sell one to you is absolute, cruel, fish-murdering shit. They don't live in puddles in the wild; they live in damn rice paddies. They aren't stationary fish that love living in a goddamn pint of water, they swim the hell around, and in nature, they're in thousands of gallons. They need all the same shit a regular tropical fish needs, with a few differences. They don't need a huge tank or anything, (and depending on who you ask, putting them in a big tank can actually stress them) but I'd say they need at least a gallon, preferably between two and five. definitely not the little bowls and cups people always have them in. If the container is too small for a filter, it's too small for a Betta. And yes, unless you're good enough to remember to change out some water every day, they need to be kept at tropical-type temperatures, and they need a filter. Not a big ass powerful one, because it knocks them around, but one of those little air pump-driven Whisper ones works just fine, and if you know how to make a decent sponge filter, (I tried and failed, for the most part) that's even better. So if somebody tries to sell you a little fish bowl for a Betta, you should call them a son of a bitch, and if they try to sell you a "Betta vase," you should mercilessly beat the shit out of them. Fuck Betta vases. The plant's roots don't do shit to clean the water, and a Betta is a damn carnivore, so it can't live off the plant. The only reason a Betta lasts as long as it does in those is because it takes them a month to starve to death. So instead of buying a Betta vase, you might as well just buy the fish separately, get a couple little pieces of wood and a stapler, and just crucify the little sucker. It's basically the same thing as getting a fucking Betta vase. Fucking people.
But yeah, anyway, I sure hope the heater in there works.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Hard Times in the First World
So I was out and about a while ago, buying expensive heaters to keep the frigid Oklahoma winter from killing my Betta and getting more groceries than I intended to buy, when I decided to stop by Ross. If you didn't know what that is, it's one of those clothing stores where most of the stuff is somehow damaged or irregular, and costs like a fifth of what it's supposed to as a result. I didn't find anything I wanted there, as their male clothing seems to consist entirely of knockoff Affliction t-shirts, and it's bad enough looking like a walking advertisement, but even worse when you appear to be advertising winged skulls that birds have been crapping on.
So I made my way toward the exit, and that's when I saw a guy I totally didn't notice on the way in through the same door. First of all, it was strange, because it was the only time I've seen a bargain-type clothing store have a security guard posted a the exit. But it gets even stranger when the security guard in question has on combat boots, fatigues, and I swear to god, a damn beret. And standing there as he was, sternly looking forward with his arms clasped behind his back, I was hit by the revelation that this guy looked exactly like one of Public Enemy's security guards.
It then hit me just how difficult things have gotten economically, when someone at least somewhat tangentially responsible for "Fight the Power" and "Don't Believe the Hype" could fall so low as having to pull guard duty at a place that specializes in slightly-irregular Perry Ellis socks. I wanted to say something, but I just kept on my way to the exit door, fighting the urge to throw up a Black Power fist or ask about how James Bomb was doing.
Saturday, October 04, 2008
HEY SCORPION
NOT SO TOUGH NOW, ARE YA? NICE TRY, BITCH. NOW, YOU'RE DEAD. HA HA HA HA HA HA. EAT DUSTPAN, YOU FOOL.
Monday, September 22, 2008
The Beginning of Fall
It is truly a new season when I notice that my popsicles are thawing out, and I have to punch the back wall of the fridge a few times to break up the thawed/refrozen ice, and then knee the door real hard to get the compressor to kick back on.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Stupid iTunes 8.0
Look at this thing. LOOK AT THIS THING.
First, the boring, "List View" - that I never had to use before - with Windows Task Manager open for resource-viewing purposes:
Here's a closeup of the memory usage (click to enlarge, for best results - Stupid narrow blog layout):
A little over 72 megabytes of RAM being used. Kinda large, but nothing out of the ordinary, in today's world of giant-ass computers.
Now, here's the thing. "Cover Flow" view, which is the easiest way to get around, and the way I always did things before, is basically broken in the new version. Here's what I've been able to use my powers of deductive reasoning to figure out: The way it works now, every album cover you scroll past goes into your computer's memory and stays there as long as iTunes is open. Even if it's long since scrolled off the screen. And these are big files, too. Sure, they only show up as little pictures at the top of the screen, but clicking on the "Now Playing" thumbnail that comes up usually reveals them to be massive, taking up a good chunk of the screen. And if you'vedownloaded legally purchased as much music as I have and put it all on your computer, that's a ton of album cover images. A "fucking shit-ton," as some scholars would say. And there are a lot of people out there whose stuff absolutely dwarfs my own. I know this because they're the people I ended up downloading stuff from comparing online music collections with. Anyway, a shit-ton of giant images uses up a shit-ton of memory. How much? Take a look:
Wait, what?
You are not reading that wrong. One billion, three-hundred forty-two million, eight hundred and forty thousand bytes of memory being used by one program. OVER ONE POINT THREE GIGS OF RAM IS BEING USED, PEOPLE. JESUS. Hell, the last computer I had before this one couldn't even be upgraded to hold that much, and it's not like iTunes is some intense, professionals-only program, so it's not out of the question for computers of that scope to be trying to run this monstrosity. And note that I had only scrolled up to the letter S by this point, meaning that it might even hit 2 gigs if I went all the way to the letter Z. So it's no more visible album covers in the navigation for me until they fix that crap.
It's just too bad that Windows Media Player and WinAmp both blow dicks, or I'd switch back to one of those.
First, the boring, "List View" - that I never had to use before - with Windows Task Manager open for resource-viewing purposes:
Here's a closeup of the memory usage (click to enlarge, for best results - Stupid narrow blog layout):
A little over 72 megabytes of RAM being used. Kinda large, but nothing out of the ordinary, in today's world of giant-ass computers.Now, here's the thing. "Cover Flow" view, which is the easiest way to get around, and the way I always did things before, is basically broken in the new version. Here's what I've been able to use my powers of deductive reasoning to figure out: The way it works now, every album cover you scroll past goes into your computer's memory and stays there as long as iTunes is open. Even if it's long since scrolled off the screen. And these are big files, too. Sure, they only show up as little pictures at the top of the screen, but clicking on the "Now Playing" thumbnail that comes up usually reveals them to be massive, taking up a good chunk of the screen. And if you've
Wait, what?
You are not reading that wrong. One billion, three-hundred forty-two million, eight hundred and forty thousand bytes of memory being used by one program. OVER ONE POINT THREE GIGS OF RAM IS BEING USED, PEOPLE. JESUS. Hell, the last computer I had before this one couldn't even be upgraded to hold that much, and it's not like iTunes is some intense, professionals-only program, so it's not out of the question for computers of that scope to be trying to run this monstrosity. And note that I had only scrolled up to the letter S by this point, meaning that it might even hit 2 gigs if I went all the way to the letter Z. So it's no more visible album covers in the navigation for me until they fix that crap.
It's just too bad that Windows Media Player and WinAmp both blow dicks, or I'd switch back to one of those.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
So the new Metallica album leaked
...And it's like St. Anger with Reload's production. It's like taking a huge dump and then peeing in the pile. But the songs are all eight minutes and have fast parts, so I'm sure everyone will be saying those turds are "back" now.
They should have just quit years ago.
They should have just quit years ago.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Updates regarding websitery
- As you may have noticed, stuff looks different around here. I'm still working on changing things around, which means that this place is more than likely going to look exactly the same for like eight more years.
- Scheduling being the way it is, I'm now back up to one day a week with nothing to do but lay around being idle and worthless. So updates might happen more than one a year eventually. I'm actually thinking of doing some sort of once-a-week update schedule, which isn't likely to actually happen, because I'm lazy.
- When I do update things, it's going to be a lot less of a Chicago Bears only blog. Mainly because I got recruited to go clog up someone else's blog with that sort of thing. I'm "LB" on there, and it's a pretty major coincidence that those are my initials. Huh.
- I was going to do one of those "check out my fish tank" posts, but I'm pretty sure I killed the one really cool plant in the 2-gallon betta tank today, so I'm all pissed and not in the mood to take pictures of my failures. Here's an old picture of Picasso, though:
I'll get pictures of Larry, Darrell, Darrell #2, and Algae Crumpler in the ten-gallon up here someday.
- I'm seriously going to finish that "Ten Things I'm Going to Make Illegal" thing someday. Actually typed about half of a second entry. Someday.
- After recently viewing the entire Maniac Cop trilogy, I'm in the mood to bring back the Discount Rack Video Review. Or maybe just erase the entire site and replace it with a video clip of the scene from Maniac Cop 3 where Maniac Cop manages to take part in an entire car chase while completely on fire.
- I just noticed that my text and link colors are too close for anyone to be able to tell the difference. Since I'm not in the mood to fix that right now, I'm just making links larger.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Dear ESPN...
Hey guys. Look, I know you guys all love Brett Favre. You looked the other way when he kept waffling over retirement for the last decade or so, you shrugged off all his 288 interceptions as being the result of a bad route by the receiver, you mentioned him at any opportunity during games that didn't even peripherally involve the Green Bay Packers, and I'm willing to guess that if he requested such a thing, you would all slaughter your own mothers in Brett Favre's name and follow it up by picking the dingleberries from his ass hair with your teeth, just to praise the glory of Favre. That's cool, though. You're sports media people, and that sort of thing is in your blood.
But now, there's this whole damn "Titletown USA" thing.
Look, I hate to say this, being a Chicago Bears fan and all, but just because the Packers are having such a nasty breakup with your boy, (editor's note: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha) it doesn't mean you get to reassign the goddamn name "Titletown USA." Green Bay, Wisconsin is, was, has been, and always will be Titletown USA. They came up with the fucking term. It's even on the official city seal:
What's next? Are you going to reassign "The Windy City" to New Orleans because of the damn hurricane? Is Chelan, Washington going to be the new "Big Apple," on account of their delicious apples? And seriously, Valdosta? What? What do they have? A Wal-Mart? You're seriously giving it to them based on high school football? Where you can be guaranteed at least seven wins by scheduling all the local division negative-five-A schools where the offensive tackles weigh 127 pounds and the home field is mostly dead grass and dirt? And a Division II college team? Shit. All wining titles against seminaries and dental schools. Hell, I could beat Valdosta State. Just get me a baseball bat and a reason. It's like they picked the lowliest goddamn place in the competition, just to fully express how butthurt they were at the Packers or something. Seriously, ESPN, this whole thing was a farce.
The Packers still suck, though.
But now, there's this whole damn "Titletown USA" thing.
Look, I hate to say this, being a Chicago Bears fan and all, but just because the Packers are having such a nasty breakup with your boy, (editor's note: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha) it doesn't mean you get to reassign the goddamn name "Titletown USA." Green Bay, Wisconsin is, was, has been, and always will be Titletown USA. They came up with the fucking term. It's even on the official city seal:
What's next? Are you going to reassign "The Windy City" to New Orleans because of the damn hurricane? Is Chelan, Washington going to be the new "Big Apple," on account of their delicious apples? And seriously, Valdosta? What? What do they have? A Wal-Mart? You're seriously giving it to them based on high school football? Where you can be guaranteed at least seven wins by scheduling all the local division negative-five-A schools where the offensive tackles weigh 127 pounds and the home field is mostly dead grass and dirt? And a Division II college team? Shit. All wining titles against seminaries and dental schools. Hell, I could beat Valdosta State. Just get me a baseball bat and a reason. It's like they picked the lowliest goddamn place in the competition, just to fully express how butthurt they were at the Packers or something. Seriously, ESPN, this whole thing was a farce.The Packers still suck, though.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
The joys of vehicle maintenance
You know what this is? It's my old fuel filter, from my car.You know what that little red spot on it is?
Why, it's the same thing that's on this screw driver...
Just behind my driver's side headlight...
And here, on my bumper.It's my old HUMAN BLOOD, from my BODY.
Meanwhile, here's the real bummer:
Ouch. Oh well.
Represent.Sunday, July 13, 2008
Oh man, I'm on Ebay
I decided I'd like to buy some stupid shit sometime soon, and to eliminate the practical impact such purchases would have, I'll sell some of my previous stupid shit. Most of it is going to consist of football cards that will sell at heart-breakingly low prices, but I decided to start things off with the big daddy of them all, which probably won't sell at all.
But here you go. And yes, I do feel like such a hack for that "A must-have for any true fan!" crap.
It's that crazy-rare Metallica CD I retardedly found for $8 at Hastings a while back, and if it goes for my outrageous asking price, (which is actually about the same as what I've seen it go for at auction in the past) I'll be really close to my $110 goal, which is what I'm assuming autographed cards of Devin Hester and Brian Urlacher will cost. But hey, if I'm gonna chase the dragon, I might as well not dip into my paycheck to do it. The Urlacher/Hester Autograph Ebay Telethon has begun~
UPDATE: Oh snap. SOLD. Now, hopefully the payment/shipping types things will go smoothly. Stupid forgetting about international folks.
But here you go. And yes, I do feel like such a hack for that "A must-have for any true fan!" crap.
It's that crazy-rare Metallica CD I retardedly found for $8 at Hastings a while back, and if it goes for my outrageous asking price, (which is actually about the same as what I've seen it go for at auction in the past) I'll be really close to my $110 goal, which is what I'm assuming autographed cards of Devin Hester and Brian Urlacher will cost. But hey, if I'm gonna chase the dragon, I might as well not dip into my paycheck to do it. The Urlacher/Hester Autograph Ebay Telethon has begun~
UPDATE: Oh snap. SOLD. Now, hopefully the payment/shipping types things will go smoothly. Stupid forgetting about international folks.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Saturday, July 05, 2008
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Five movies I've watched lately
Well, gotta update this thing somehow...
You've probably heard of this one, seeing as it was like one of the hugest movies lately. Anyway, Daniel Day Lewis turns in the greatest performance of his or anyone else's career as an old-school oil baron, with the movie chronicling his story from rags to riches and from eccentirc, ruthless ambition to batshit, slap-fucking-craziness. I can see why this one won a bunch of awards, but seriously, it could have used some editing here and there. Scenes that could have wrapped up in one minute take five, and I swear, I think the first twenty minutes of the movie didn't have a single spoken word. But there are enough high points to make this a good movie that drags in places, as opposed to a three-hour shitfest, and it probably has the greatest ending scene of any movie ever. I won't spoil it for you, but if you've watched television, been around people who sometimes watch movies, or have the internet (safe assumption there), chances are pretty good that it's already been spoiled. Seriously, I think the only reason I sat through The Thin Red Line a long time ago was in the faint hope that it would have an ending like that. Overall, this was worth the time, I suppose.
1. There Will Be Blood (2007)
You've probably heard of this one, seeing as it was like one of the hugest movies lately. Anyway, Daniel Day Lewis turns in the greatest performance of his or anyone else's career as an old-school oil baron, with the movie chronicling his story from rags to riches and from eccentirc, ruthless ambition to batshit, slap-fucking-craziness. I can see why this one won a bunch of awards, but seriously, it could have used some editing here and there. Scenes that could have wrapped up in one minute take five, and I swear, I think the first twenty minutes of the movie didn't have a single spoken word. But there are enough high points to make this a good movie that drags in places, as opposed to a three-hour shitfest, and it probably has the greatest ending scene of any movie ever. I won't spoil it for you, but if you've watched television, been around people who sometimes watch movies, or have the internet (safe assumption there), chances are pretty good that it's already been spoiled. Seriously, I think the only reason I sat through The Thin Red Line a long time ago was in the faint hope that it would have an ending like that. Overall, this was worth the time, I suppose.2. Still Crazy (1998)
This is one my special ladyfriend picked out, based mainly on Billy Connelly being prominently featured on the cover, and the fact that Billy Connelly is awesome. Anyway, it's a movie about a British rock band from the 70s trying to wage a comeback, and everything seemed to indicate that it was going to be some crazy-ass Spinal Tap sorta thing, with good times had by all. In reality, it was like a half-assed drama with Tap-esque moments here and there, but not enough to keep it from just sort of plodding along, being generally uninteresting most of the time. And it had some problems, like the ending not exactly being everything it should have been, (Like instead of the happy ending where everyone gets redeemed, one particular character just sort of goes out like a little bullshit man) and the big romantic subplot of the movie just gets suddenly dropped with no resolution or even further mention, like a World Championship Wrestling storyline from 2001. Also, Billy Connelly is a background character at best. The movie should have just been 90 minutes of him doing zany shit. All movies should be that. But yeah, could have lived without seeing this one.
Oh man. Here's what I learned from this movie:
This is one my special ladyfriend picked out, based mainly on Billy Connelly being prominently featured on the cover, and the fact that Billy Connelly is awesome. Anyway, it's a movie about a British rock band from the 70s trying to wage a comeback, and everything seemed to indicate that it was going to be some crazy-ass Spinal Tap sorta thing, with good times had by all. In reality, it was like a half-assed drama with Tap-esque moments here and there, but not enough to keep it from just sort of plodding along, being generally uninteresting most of the time. And it had some problems, like the ending not exactly being everything it should have been, (Like instead of the happy ending where everyone gets redeemed, one particular character just sort of goes out like a little bullshit man) and the big romantic subplot of the movie just gets suddenly dropped with no resolution or even further mention, like a World Championship Wrestling storyline from 2001. Also, Billy Connelly is a background character at best. The movie should have just been 90 minutes of him doing zany shit. All movies should be that. But yeah, could have lived without seeing this one.3. Reefer Madness (1936)
- If you smoke weed, you will be popular, and chicks will want to bone you.
- Everyone in the 1930s could not only play the piano, but they could all also play it at a virtuoso level.
- Weed is a narcotic more powerful, deadly, and addictive than cocaine or heroin.
- Weed will make you drive at breakneck speeds as high as 45 miles an hour, run over old dudes in cold blood, and not give a fuck.
- If you smoke "marihuana," you will go immediately and permanently insane enough to club a dude to death with cast-iron fireplace implements.
- It's really fun to say the word "education" like "ed-JOO-KAY-shun," all proper-like.
- Weed will make you carve up entire families and jump out of windows.
- Prim, proper people of the 1930s shunned marijauna, drank tea, played tennis, and SMOKED LIKE CHIMNEYS.
4. RAMBO (2008)
Rambo. Maaaaaaaan. Rambo. Holy crap, Rambo. Raaaaambooooooo. This is the kind of movie that never gets made anymore, because Hollywood no longer understands us. Somewhere along the line, someone saw how good Full Metal Jacket and Platoon were, and figured that from now on, every movie about a war needed to be like that. You know, the whole "hey guys, sometimes we need to stop and think that the 'good guys' sometimes might really be the bad guys, and that what we think are the 'bad guys' are really the good guys after all, and how we need to rethink our whole philosophy, and blah blah blah think blah, really makes you think" line of bullshit. If we wanted to think and be reminded of how horrible we are by association to war-related things, we'd stay home and watch the news. Sometimes, when you see a movie with someone getting their war on, you don't want to be lectured to or preached at. You want your good guys to be badasses and your bad guys to unspeakably evil and not worthy of any real sympathy, and just there as someone to be slaughtered by the good guys in the name of righteousness. The result of a movie like this is something called "fun," and an actual escape from all the things people go to movies to actually, you know... escape from. This is why Lions for Lambs bombed and Rambo destroyed a whole city block with its awesomeness. But anyway, enough half-retarded OPINIONZ 4 U, and on to the actual movie.
Some dudes are evil, and Rambo and his crack team of mercenaries destroy their entire being. That's all you need to know. That's all anyone ever needs to know. Rambo shoots people in the face with arrows, rips their throats out, slices their guts out, and basically machineguns one dude into liquid. Motion pictures were invented in the hope that a movie like this could one day be made.
Rambo. Maaaaaaaan. Rambo. Holy crap, Rambo. Raaaaambooooooo. This is the kind of movie that never gets made anymore, because Hollywood no longer understands us. Somewhere along the line, someone saw how good Full Metal Jacket and Platoon were, and figured that from now on, every movie about a war needed to be like that. You know, the whole "hey guys, sometimes we need to stop and think that the 'good guys' sometimes might really be the bad guys, and that what we think are the 'bad guys' are really the good guys after all, and how we need to rethink our whole philosophy, and blah blah blah think blah, really makes you think" line of bullshit. If we wanted to think and be reminded of how horrible we are by association to war-related things, we'd stay home and watch the news. Sometimes, when you see a movie with someone getting their war on, you don't want to be lectured to or preached at. You want your good guys to be badasses and your bad guys to unspeakably evil and not worthy of any real sympathy, and just there as someone to be slaughtered by the good guys in the name of righteousness. The result of a movie like this is something called "fun," and an actual escape from all the things people go to movies to actually, you know... escape from. This is why Lions for Lambs bombed and Rambo destroyed a whole city block with its awesomeness. But anyway, enough half-retarded OPINIONZ 4 U, and on to the actual movie.Some dudes are evil, and Rambo and his crack team of mercenaries destroy their entire being. That's all you need to know. That's all anyone ever needs to know. Rambo shoots people in the face with arrows, rips their throats out, slices their guts out, and basically machineguns one dude into liquid. Motion pictures were invented in the hope that a movie like this could one day be made.
5. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)
Without getting into things too much, because I'm sick of typing, don't listen to all the stunted man-children who tell you this movie is not rad. Indiana Jones gets in crazy situations and wisecracks his way out of them. Snakes become involved. Adventures beyond your wildest imagination are had. There are ancient tombs with traps in them. Indy fights a big ol' dude who dies horribly. And the kid from Transformers somehow doesn't screw the movie up. This movie is, in fact, rad. Hella-rad, I might even go so far as to say. So there.
Without getting into things too much, because I'm sick of typing, don't listen to all the stunted man-children who tell you this movie is not rad. Indiana Jones gets in crazy situations and wisecracks his way out of them. Snakes become involved. Adventures beyond your wildest imagination are had. There are ancient tombs with traps in them. Indy fights a big ol' dude who dies horribly. And the kid from Transformers somehow doesn't screw the movie up. This movie is, in fact, rad. Hella-rad, I might even go so far as to say. So there.
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