For real, though,

I have cleaned and cleansed every surface in this apartment, I have thrown away every scrap of garbage, and I have scooped the cat box. I have coated the entire apartment in a thin layer of boric acid, and covered that thin layer of boric acid in another, thinner layer of deadly poison. And it does nothing. Nothiiiiiiiiiing.

I know what I must do now.

I have to burn the building down.

I GOT ROACHES IN THE CABINETS,

roaches in the air, roaches inside the walls, roaches, roaches, roaches!! If I beat them off the walls they're sill in the air, if I shoot them out of the air they're still in the cabinets, so where does that leave me? Nowhere! That's where!

AAAARRRRGGGHHHHHH

Well, my annoying, possible meth-addict upstairs neighbors finally moved out/got evicted, and that's a good thing. Also, the new landlord has been doing hella home improvements to this place lately, (soon, I will have VINYL SIDING~!) which is also good. But you see, whatever he did to the empty apartment upstairs seems to have involved cleaning the shit out of it, because all their roaches have decided to move downstairs. In with me. AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHINEEDMOREBORICACIDANDBENGALROACHSPRAY.

HERE IS ALSO THIS

HERE IS THIS

Daily Stupid

For dinner, I enjoyed a grilled tilapia fillet, seasoned with lemon pepper, garlic salt...

AND CARBON MONOXIDE.

Halo 3 Comes Out Tonight...

But you jackasses can keep it, for all I care:



Because I finally managed to get my brother's Atari 2600 to work today.
Also, that picture reminds me once again that my backup TV that I've used since the old one died is soooo tiny.

Another Top Ten Best Names from My Spam Email Folder

1. Buggers A. Queering
2. synthetic desired
3. asdfasdf Rodasta
4. Sex Can
   
5. Secessionist F. Worms
6. Lucas Jack (holy shit)
7. Dan Hampton (holy shit again)
8. Numbers Baez
9. good-looking real young to middle-aged females
10. Erectile
    

Well, the official word comes down Wednesday...

Could our long national nightmare finally be over?

As of this moment

The Chicago Bears have more second-stringers in on defense than actual starters.

I think I'm going to die.

SONG OF THE 28 DAYS LATER

Jonathan Coulton - "re: Your Brains"

Heya Tom, it’s Bob from the office down the hall
Good to see you buddy, how’ve you been?
Thing have been OK for me except that I’m a zombie now
I really wish you’d let us in
I think I speak for all of us when I say I understand
Why you folks might hesitate to submit to our demand
But here’s an FYI: you’re all gonna die screaming

All we want to do is eat your brains
We’re not unreasonable, I mean, no one’s gonna eat your eyes
All we want to do is eat your brains
We’re at an impasse here, maybe we should compromise:
If you open up the doors
We’ll all come inside and eat your brains

I don’t want to nitpick, Tom, but is this really your plan?
To spend your whole life locked inside a mall?
Maybe that’s OK for now but someday you’ll be out of food and guns
And then you’ll have to make the call
I’m not surprised to see you haven’t thought it through enough
You never had the head for all that bigger picture stuff
But Tom, that’s what I do, and I plan on eating you slowly

All we want to do is eat your brains
We’re not unreasonable, I mean, no one’s gonna eat your eyes
All we want to do is eat your brains
We’re at an impasse here, maybe we should compromise:
If you open up the doors
We’ll all come inside and eat your brains

I’d like to help you Tom, in any way I can
I sure appreciate the way you’re working with me
I’m not a monster Tom, well, technically I am
I guess I am

I’ve got another meeting Tom, maybe we could wrap it up
I know we’ll get to common ground somehow
Meanwhile I’ll report back to my colleagues who were chewing on the doors
I guess we’ll table this for now
I’m glad to see you take constructive criticism well
Thank you for your time I know we’re all busy as hell
And we’ll put this thing to bed
When I bash your head open

All we want to do is eat your brains
We’re not unreasonable, I mean, no one’s gonna eat your eyes
All we want to do is eat your brains
We’re at an impasse here, maybe we should compromise:
If you open up the doors
We’ll all come inside and eat your brains

Daily Stupid

I was scheduled to work at 10:00 a.m. today. The alarm went off at 8:30, so I woke up, went to the bathroom, fed the cat, and other stuff like that.

Then, I went back to sleep until about 9:52.

New Feature: Daily Stupid

This is a new thing I'm going to try for a while, until I just absolutely forget about it a week from now. In the old days, when you did something really dumb and no one was around, you could easily sweep it under the rug and live out the rest of your days without the shame of someone knowing the ridiculous crap you had done But these are changing times, and in the post-911 world, the old ways of doing things have given way to the "Internet 2.0" world, where people see fit to share any detail of their lives with absolute strangers. So in these times of greater dumbass transparency, I've decided that from now on, I'm going to keep a running tab of all the stupidest things I do from now on. So here's today's Daily Stupid:

Today while driving around doing whatever the hell it was that I was doing, I noticed that for some reason it was really hard to shift from first to second gear. Then, I realized it was because I hadn't bothered to step on the clutch at all, and basically had just ripped the car out of gear, in a move that potentially could have led to millions of dollars in car repairs. Somehow, my transmission survived, though.

The Ten Best Names in my Spam Email Folder

1. Propagandists V. Behead
2. Floyd Minerva
3. Gleefully E. Phobic
4. Cyril Prudence
5. Rod
6. Triglyceride R. Heartbreak
7. Scarlett Fannie
8. Good Erection
9. Mabel I. Confessed
10. laser. attempt
    

SONG OF THE DAY

Ryan Parker - "Shady Brady and Bill Belicheat"

I never called Bill Belichick a genius,
Cause I remember when he coached the Browns,
He was such a failure up in Cleveland,
The franchise folded up and left the town,
I never said Tom Brady was a hero,
Cause I remember him at Michigan,
Bringing Gatorade to Brian Griese,
Except for garbage time when he got in,

So wasn't it a little shady when this quarterback named Brady,
Suddenly became a mega star,
Wasn't it a bit confusing when this coach who's used to losing,
Earned the reputation that he's smart,
When you know which plays are coming, it can make a coach look cunning,
And make an average quarterback elite,
Cheating's how they got their glory, it's the true deceitful story,
Of Shady Brady and Bill Belicheat,

The tabloids say they've cheated on their girlfriends,
And someone should review their SATs,
The IRS should look into their taxes,
And their colleges should check out their degrees,
Mangini knew the tricks that they were using,
So he convinced the Jets to turn them in,
Cause he was getting sick and tired of losing,
To a team that has to cheat to win,

But Brady's made a lot of money and he's scored a lot of honeys,
By showing off his championship rings,
Bill's been praised because he's clever, and called the greatest ever,
And lived with all the luxuries that brings,
But let's confiscate their Sony's, and expose them both as phonies,
And see how many teams that they can beat,
Some would say it won't be any, if it is, it won't be many,
Poor Shady Brady and Bill Belicheat,
No more lucky play selection, into proper blitz protection,
For Shady Brady and Bill Belicheat,
Cause cheating's how they got their glory, it's the true deceitful story,
Of Shady Brady and Bill Belicheat

Yeah.

Gonna try and redesign some stuff, and it would be easier to just start fresh with a generic Blogger template, so things are going to look odd for a while.

Thoughts on the Bears/Chargers game

Don't know if I'll keep doing the Preseasonseasonpreview stuff, because obviously, this isn't the preseason anymore, and it's not much of a preview at this point, but eh, who knows. Anyway, here's what I observed:

• I never thought I'd see a game where Sexy Rexy could complete less than half of his passes and have two turnovers counted against him, but still be the only reason they got anywhere on offense. Not to mention that he handled having the shit knocked out of him multiple times with way less dazed panic than he has at any point in his career so far. After today, I'd almost say that I had the slightest shred of confidence in Rex Grossman. Almost.
• Can we get a do-over on the Thomas Jones trade? Something tells me that trading away your offensive MVP just so you can make one last effort at justifying a wasted high draft pick and a ton of money on Curtis Enis 2K7 wasn't a very good idea.
  
• This is the second time I've seen Mike Brown go completely off in the first game of the season, only to get injured a little while later. Hopefully, he's not out for the season this time, but knowing his luck, it really wouldn't surprise me. And if we've learned anything from the last hundred times he's gone out, the Bears defense goes from incredible to above average when he's not in the lineup. Urlacher and Harris are the two superstars, but Mike Brown is and always has been the heart and soul of the team. This sucks.
• Also, on the subject of Mike Brown getting injured, fuck Lorenzo Neal and his chickenshit "if I can't actually block the guy I've got fifty pounds on, I'll just drag him down by his neck" blocking tactics. You pussy.
• Also, can we get a do-over on not re-signing Anthony Thomas? Yeah, remember when Jerry Angelo gave that "Ki-Jana Benson a lot like Thomas, except he's better" interview? Yeah, well he was apparently way wrong.
• Dusty Dvoracek also got hurt, and it's an actual real-life injury that actually happened, as opposed to the one they used to basically redshirt him last year. No word yet on how much time he'll miss, if any at all, but this could be a huge loss, as he was really starting to turn into a beast out there. They've got Darwin Walker as a backup, and he's a really good player, but he's a lot more of a pass-rusher than a run-stuffing hole-plugger, so he's not a good fit as the nose tackle.
• Hey Bernard Berrian: Don't stop running until the play is over. That interception was your fault this time, fool.
• Hey referees: Thanks for not noticing when Tommie Harris is far enough offsides to pretty much intercept the snap.
• I'm starting to wonder if last year with the Redskins was the real Adam Archuleta and if all those years where he was actually good for the rams were the fluke. That guy sucks.
• I've never seen a more exciting play in NFL history than when Devin Hester came in for one play, ran some basic pattern, and then went back to the bench. We need to hire Bill Cowher as a special consultant or something, because when you've got the best trick-play weapon in the league, you should use it every now and then.
• Hey, can we a do-over on releasing Neal Anderson and signing Lewis Tillman? Because - Wait, wrong year. But yeah, Cedric Benson is kind of awful.

Gonna be a long, long year.

Here is this.