what

My impression of every motorhead album review anyone's done for the last 10 years

"There's really nothing new here, but hey, Lemmy is way cool!"

another reason to love blood mountain

Joined a gym today, and put in about an hour and a half on various devices designed to simulate walking and other stuff you do with your legs, but without actually taking you anywhere. And they had little TVs set up on all of them, which was pretty cool, as I don't have cable right now, (and for the record, every time there's a new episode of The Venture Bros. on, you'll find me at the gym now) but after a while, nothing was on, and it got tiresome. So I turned on my newly-acquired, two-year-old MP3 player, freshly stocked with my own MP3 files, including a ton from the new Mastodon album, Blood Mountain. And every time one came on, I had to reset the machine to make it go up a steep incline every time one of those songs would come on, because holy crap, it felt like I was going up a goddamn Blood Mountain. Seriously. It had its drawbacks, however, as when I finally stepped off after a whole hour on the eliptical thingy, I almost fell on my ass in front of a bunch of people, because those machines make your legs stop working. Stupid Mastodon.

Also, note to self: Put "Eye of the Tiger," "The Touch," and some manner of Chris Benoit entrance theme on your MP3 player.

I just bought a guitar

Been thinking about it for a while, and found one of those crappy beginner kits for a good deal today. Fifty bucks off, and the regular price was fifty less than what those things usually cost. And I figured that I had random spending money for a change, so why not? So I got it, and it comes with the guitar, a whammy bar, some extra strings, a few picks, a little practice amp, a battery-operated tuning thingy, a fairly cool bag to put most of it in, and an instructional DVD with one of those dudes who's probably in some will-never-be-known local band but makes a ton of money anyway off instructional DVDs showing you the basics. But after I spent some time with it, watching the video and tinkering around with it for a few hours, I think it serves an entirely different purpose than what was originally intended. I think I just spent $112 on a "your fingers are much too fat to ever properly play a chord, jerk" starter kit.

Fuck.

Maybe I should look for a Dino Cazares guitar instructional video. That guy can play, and his fingers have to be like ten little Grilled Stuft Burritos.

Oh yeah

According to the internet, yesterday was "International Talk Like a Pirate Day." Despite this, no one I encountered in my dealings yesterday (And I do have dealings. So many dealings.) actually spoke to me in a pirate-like manner. Oddly enough, I also never slapped the shit out of anyone yesterday. Something tells me that these two things are somehow related.

I'd like to tell the internet

When forming sentences in the present perfect or future perfect tense, the word to use is "have," not "of." Yes, when someone uses a contraction such as "should've," the second part sounds like "of," BUT IT IS NOT FUCKING "OF."

Also, the letter A does not ever appear anywhere in the word "wrestling," and there is no E at the end of "her."

DID YOU KNOW?

THE CONVERSION PROJECT #1

Since I had the money, I bought a record player today. Actually, I bought one twice. Went to Best Buy, and they had one that was like 15 bucks off for being an open item, (red flag) so I got it. Then, I got it home, hooked it up, and realized that there was a reason it had been opened and returned, and the damn thing didn't play at the right speed. Instead of 33 RPM, it was more like 28 or so. So I took it back with the intention of trading it in for the unopened, full-priced one, and just paying the difference, only to discover that the unopened one also had the 15 bucks taken off for no apparent reason. So I wasted a bunch of time by going for the cheaper one in the first place. But anyway, yeah, I have a record player now. And I don't have many records, maybe ten or so, but a few of them aren't available on CD. So now, I've got the turntable hooked up to the computer, and I'm converting the things to a more modern format, and eventually, I'm going to get around to doing the same with a few cassettes I have.
First up is something I picked up on Ebay for like five bucks earlier this year, that really seemed as though it should have cost more than that. It's the 1971 first album by legendary Southern comedian and Grand Ole Opry star Jerry Clower, entitled Jerry Clower From Yazoo City - Mississippi Talkin.' It was never released on CD, but a few of the tracks, most famously his signature bit, "A Coon Huntin' Story," (You know, the one where he goes, "knock him out, John!") are on a few compilations that have come out over the years. I figure this should make for a nice cleansing of the palate before I convert stuff like that Sacred Reich live bootleg or those Turbonegro 7"s.
Track Listing:
1. Introduction (0:20)
2. A Coon Huntin' Story (7:24)
3. Bully Has Done Flung a Cravin' On Me (2:31)
4. Baby Goes to College (7:08)
5. Homecomin' Steaks! (1:52)
6. The Graduate Returns (8:00)
7. Marcel's Talkin' Chainsaw (3:49)
8. The Chauffeur and the Professor (4:59)
9. Good Citizenship (3:48)

It's all on nine 192 Kb/s mp3 files, all crammed into one 56 megabyte (so don't even bother if you're on dialup) ZIP file.. DOWNLOAD IT HERE. And just remember that whenever I convert something else, this file gets deleted, so if you want it, you better get it now.

Alright, who did it?

Who kidnapped Rex Grossman and replaced him withy an actual NFL quarterback?

SONG OF THE DAY FROM THE HOME OFFICE IN ANTARCTICA

GWAR - "Penguin Attack"

THEY ATTACK
THEY ATTACK

They were born

They are on a rampage
Unleashed from ancient time... TIME!
Stumbling from the ice age
Marching side by side... SIDE!
Beaks of steel are flaming
Women are enraged... RAGE!
Sky of death is flaming
Women get engaged... ENGAGED!... ENGAGED!

They were born of atomic steel
Life and death to them seemed so unreal

Slashing at the ramparts
Hurling tons of shot... SHOT!
Shopping now at Wal Mart
Smoking tons of pot... POT!
They are on a rampage
They were first to fight... FIGHT!
They would write a new page
If they could only write... WRITE!... WRITE!

They were born of atomic steel
They attack
Life and death was so unreal
They attack

C'mon baby, kick 'em in the ding-ding
Trouble on the double's what it b-b-b-b bring bring

They were born of atomic steel
They attack
It's a penguin attack
It's a penguin attack
It's a penguin attack
So get back

They were born of atomic steel
Life and death to them seemed so unreal

They attack.
They attack.

armored phalanxes
Flanking maneuvers (they attack)
A vomiting terror
Gibsons and Hoovers (they attack)
Blasted by fusion
Kicked in the head (they attack)
Just to make sure (they attack)
We've chopped up their dead

They were born of atomic steel
Life and death to them was so unreal

Stumbling from the ice age
They were last in flight... FLIGHT!
They would write a new page
If they could only write... WRITE!
Rumbling from the ice age
They were last in line... LINE!
They would start a new age
If they could just take time... TIME!... TIME!

For a penguin attack
Attack
Attack
Attack
It's a penguin attack
Attack
Attack
Attack
It's a penguin attack
It's a penguin attack
It's a penguin a- (they were born)
It's a penguin attack (they were born)
It's a penguin attack (they were born)
It's a penguin attack (they were born)
An attack
An attack

Uh!

C'mon baby, kick him in the ding-ding
Trouble on the double's what it b-b-b-b-bring bring

They were born of atomic steel
They attack
Life and death was so unreal
They attack

Thigns I think about at 1:58 AM

If you drank, and drank, and drank, until your liver got all screwed, and you got all yellow and jaundiced, would that mean that you couldn't be fucked with by the Green Lantern Corps?

My Stupid Ebay Activities

I won't bore you with the details, but if the post office can get their shit together, a financial windfall, at least by my standards, should be hitting me in short order. And after the car and the student loans are paid off, (don't freak out - It's an almost paid-off $2500 car and like a year worth of Delta State University) I'll have a hefty chunk of disposable income on my hands. So in anticipation of this, I spent some cash on Ebay today. What did I get? A new computer? No. Big screen TV? No. Kickass car stereo? Nope.

I spent 30 dollars for almost every Chicago Bears trading card released by Topps between 1981 and 1990.

By book value, it's a fairly decent deal, but not as good a deal as it would have been if some of the major rookie cards had been included. But of the seven cards left out, I already have the Dan Hampton, Richard Dent, and Doug Flutie rookies, the Willie Gault and Todd Bell rookies could easily be scooped up for like a buck, total, and only the Mike Singletary and Jim McMahon rookies are truly bummers by their absence. And I've already found a place selling the McMahon for like three bucks if I get some sort of crazy McMahon-rookie Jones going. But yeah, the final tally:
177 cards, with no duplicates, all Near Mint/Mint:
Neal Anderson - 3 (RC)
Trace Armstrong - 2 (RC)
Johnny Bailey - 1 (RC)
Brian Baschnagel - 3
Kevin Butler - 6 (RC)
Mark Carrier - 1 (RC)
Jim Covert - 6 (RC)
Ron Cox - 1 (RC)
Richard Dent - 5
Dave Duerson - 4 (RC)
Robin Earl - 2 (RC)
Vince Evans - 2 (RC)
Gary Fencik - 5
Dave Finzer - 1 (RC)
Leslie Frazier - 3 (RC)
Steve Fuller - 1
Willie Gault - 5
Dennis Gentry - 4 (RC)
Dan Hampton - 8
Jim Harbaugh - 3 (RC)
Roland Harper - 1
Mike Hartenstine - 3
Jay Hilgenberg - 5 (RC)
Noah Jackson - 3
Vestee Jackson - 1 (RC)
Lorenzo Lynch - 1 (RC)
Ken Margerum - 1 (RC)
Wilber Marshall - 2 (RC)
Dennis McKninnon - 3 (RC)
Jim McMahon - 6
Steve McMichael - 6 (RC)
Emery Moorehead - 2
Ron Morris - 1 (RC)
Brad Muster - 2 (RC)
Jim Osbourne - 1 (RC)
Alan Page - 1
Bob Parsons - 3
Walter Payton - 21
William Perry - 3 (RC)
Mike Richardson - 2 (RC)
Ron Rivera - 2 (RC)
John Roper - 1 (RC)
Thomas Sanders - 2 (RC)
Terry Schmidt - 2
Mike Singletary - 7
Revie Sorey - 2
Lemuel Stinson - 1 (RC)
Matt Suhey - 7 (RC)
David Tate - 1 (RC)
Bob Thomas - 3
James Thornton - 1 (RC)
Mike Tomczak - 2 (RC)
Keith Van Horne - 1 (RC)
Len Walterscheid - 1 (RC)
Rickey Watts - 3 (RC)
Dave Williams - 1
Otis Wilson - 3 (RC)
Donnell Woolford - 2 (RC)

Also, adding in the random extra stuff the guy threw in with the deal, you get:
Red Grange - 1 (from 1988)
Walter Payton - 1 (1991)
Adrian Peterson - 1 (RC - 2002)
Gale Sayers (1997)
Mike Singletary - 3 (2 from 1992, 1 from 2002)
Brian Urlacher - 2 (2002)

Ho-lee shit.

Reason I Need a New Job #1

I spent ten minutes today having a coworker explain to me why white people needed their own homeland.

I have roaches.

So many roaches. Roaches in the bathroom. Spray does not kill them. Boric acid will kill them. I will go to buy boric acid now, to kill them. The roaches.

Fuck.

TOP 6 OF 2006

I've only bought/downloaded six new albums from 2006, so now that we're 3/4 of the way done, let's see how they stack up:

1. Sepultura - Dante XXI
My second favorite Sepultura album of all time now, and I'm not ashamed to say that. They finally got it right, and it's a bummer that the only good Derrick Green-era Sep album will probably be the last one before they go back to shitty Max Cavalera-fronted nu-metal. Tasteful use of horns, too.
2. Mastodon - Blood Mountain
It was probably impossible to live up to Leviathan, but they lived up to at least 99% of it. Any other year, this would have been my #1 album. Guitar-wankery is annoying, but they manage to do an entire album of nothing but guitar-wankery and make guitar-wankery not suck, while getting all "prog" without thirty-minute songs.
3. Voivod - Katorz
Shit, if this is what they managed to put out with what they had to work with, more bands need to have their guitar players die tragically before they even start recording their albums. My favorite album of theirs since The Outer Limits.
4. Lacuna Coil - Karmacode
You could tell they really wanted to break through and become more of a major mainstream-known band, but thankfully, that didn't really require changing their sound too much. There is sort of a disturbing Ross Robinson production sound going on in points, but if you can get past that, this might be their best album.
5. Iron Maiden - A Matter of Life and Death
This was decent, but definitely didn't live up to any of the "Maiden is back!" hype at all. I found myself enjoying everything I heard, but not being able to recall a second of it once the album had ended. Still, a mediocre Maiden album is equivalent to a pretty good album from someone else.
6. Body Count - Murder 4 Hire
You know, it's been all downhill since the first BC album, but I still liked Born Dead and Violent Demise, and I've been looking forward to this album ever since the first time they said a new Body Count album was "coming soon," in like 1999. But aside from a few brief moments, mainly on the two instrumentals, this album sucks shit like no other. Like it takes a big fat shit in a bucket and passes out straws. God damn, son.