What the FUCK?
As a developmentally-stunted man-boy and huge goddamn dork who never fully gave up the pursuit of the accumulation of little cardboard pieces with pictures of football-men on them, I have little room to talk when someone blows some money on something silly. But after the events of the last week or so, I found someone who makes me not feel like a damned moron for once spending twenty dollars on a fancy rookie card of four foot tall special teams player Garrett Wolfe.
But it's an Exquisite Collection Patch/auto RC! *snorts, pushes up glasses*
In this backwards and terrible age of packs of cards that can cost anywhere up to $500 apiece and people who will actually pay that much for them, all ceilings of sanity have been shattered, now that someone has paid the tidy sum of $16,403 for a one-of-a-kind card of Major League Baseball's latest golden boy rookie pitcher, Stephen Strasburg. That is not a typo, and I totally didn't mean to type $1,640.03 or anything like that. Someone actually paid over sixteen thousand for a baseball card - with no autographs, pieces of memorabilia, or any of the other bells and whistles that define the trading card business these days - of a player who's still never thrown a pitch in a regular season baseball game. And it's not so much a case of "why would you pay that much for a stupid baseball card?" as it is a case of "why would you buy that baseball card if you had SIXTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS of free money laying around?" So, just in case someone invents a time machine any time soon, I'm here to help, and I'm going to help by suggesting to that dude ten way-better things he could have had with that kind of money:
Yeah, an actual Washburn P4 Princess custom-made for the dude from Extreme. And yeah, I mean, on one hand, he did bear some responsibility for that godawful "More Than Words" song you probably had drilled into your head in 1991 or whenever it was. But on the other hand, this very guitar might have been used to play the HOT LIXX that Dave Beethoven gets falsely credited for, about 2:16 into this scene from History's Greatest Movie:
THAT COULD BE YOU. Well, probably not, but if you had a full length mirror and the Bill & Ted soundtrack CD, (and you'd still have over a grand of your $16,403 left, so that's totally doable) you could pretend like whoa.
9. A Rolex.
Damn, man, it's a Rolex. If you don't already know why that would be better than some trumped-up baseball card, no amount of internet-reading will convince you. Look, a Rolex has been a symbol of power and wealth used for decades to win the respect and envy of your peers and the affection of your lady-peers. If you flash a Rolex at someone, they immediately get all "damn, you're moving up in the world," and doors open to a whole new world of executive washrooms, exclusive nightclubs, invitations to the Church of Scientology, and a multi-million dollar book deal after your crippling cocaine addiction destroys everything the Rolex got you, and you claw your way back to respectability, through the power of Jesus Christ. (Or L. Ron Hubbard, depending on which Choose Your Own Adventure path you chose earlier in life) If you flash a $16, 000 baseball card at someone, the best-case scenario is that your friends and family become deeply worried about your mental and financial well-being and put you on an episode of Intervention. Meanwhile, the worst-case scenario is that someone just bonks you over the head and takes the card. And it's harder to do that with a Rolex, because it's clasped to your wrist. Clasped with quality.
8. A Death Row Records multi-platinum award plaque.
It's a real-ass RIAA platinum award given presumably to one of Suge Knight's terrified lackeys for helping to sell so many copies of Doggystyle, Murder Was the Case, The Chronic, and the Above the Rim soundtrack. Granted, the Above the Rim CD is pretty much just wasting space that could have been used for a platinum Tupac CD, but that might have pushed it over the $16,403 limit. But it's still got three of the biggest damn rap records ever represented, instantly giving you way more street cred than a bling-blingy baseball card of some white boy ever could have given you. And even if you're one of those "oh, I like all kinds of music... EXCEPT RAP" snobs, you can still melt it down, sell the platinum, and sleep well, knowing that you've destroyed an important part of hip hop history.
7. A fifteen foot tall Imperial Walker
One-of-a-kind or not, there's only so much mileage you can get out of a shiny baseball card when it comes to impressing people. To get the full effect from it, someone would either have to have an intimate knowledge of the modern baseball card collecting hobby (unlikely) or would just have to be a huge baseball fan. (even less likely) Sure, it looks neat, it's one-of-a-kind, and it got some decent mileage as an internet story, but upon being shown that card you just spent sixteen thousand on, the average person would just either humor you with a polite (yet noticeably uncomfortable) "oh, that's neat," or spend fifteen minutes chastising you about how many starving kids that money could have fed. Let's face it, that Strasburg Superfractor isn't gonna knock anyone's socks off. It lacks... Zazz. But if you took the same person, told them, "check out what I just spent sixteen thousand PayPal dollars on," and then showed them this fucking thing, they'd immediately know where all that money went. If you're gonna nerd out, go big or go home.
6. A damn Andy Warhol.
An actual screen print handmade by (and hand signed) by an artist that was such a big deal that they made movies about people he hung out with. Granted it's not the thing with the soup cans or whatever, but it still should be enough to become the envy of all your snooty-assed friends that you secretly hate so much. They'll update their stupid Facebook status and be all "Just relaxing, enjoying a glass of [insert name of expensive wine from hip, local winery that tastes like someone pissed in some Mad Dog 20/20] and spinning an LP of [insert name of jazz musician that they don't actually listen to, because no one ever listens to jazz without a witness (More on that later, I fucking assure you)]." And you can reply with something like "Sounds great. I'm just kicking back too, drinking warm tap water next to my GODDAMN WARHOL." Then, the other person won't reply with anything, because they'll be so jealous that they will literally swell up and die.
Of course, if you're not into all that high-falutin' art nonsense, you could just spend the same amount on this fine piece of art instead:
5. A 427 Year old copy of The Bible.
Instead of worshiping cardboard-and-foil idols, why not just GET RIGHT WITH GOD, SINNER. And there aren't many better ways to get on The Big Man's good side than to spend the price of a mobile home on the goodest goddamn book of them all. And seeing as it's from way, way back in the day, you'll probably have a way better edition, from back before 427 years of careful editing gave us the Holy Bible we have today. So you'll get a lot of the parts deemed too intense and inappropriate for modern audiences, like the part where Jesus Christ punches a bear in the face to save the house of orphans, or all those parts that P.C. politics have forced them to cut out in the last few years about O.J. Simpson and Chris Benoit. This is the rawest edition of the Good Book that you can get for less than twenty thousand, probably, and if you spend your sixteen grand on anything else, you're probably going straight to hell. That should be pretty decent motivation to get this instead. Also, the worming in the blank lower margins is just insignificant.
4. A 1996 Corvette.
I'm just going to put this as crudely and bluntly as possible, with apologies to anyone who comes to this site expecting family entertainment (heh), my mom, and anyone else's mom who may stumble upon this little blog entry: People get laid all the time because of their ownership (or even perceived ownership) of a Chevrolet Corvette. Someone is probably getting laid in a Corvette right this very second. No one has ever fucked on a pile of baseball cards. Ever. Do the math, son. Get the Corvette and strengthen your pimp hand, or get that Stephen Strasburg card and just strengthen... your hand.
3. Six authenticated Babe Ruth autographs.
Kind of cheating, since this is an auction for just one, but I figure if five more similar ones popped up, they'd sell for a similar amount. And if they never did pop up for that much, not only would you have a Babe Ruth autograph, but you'd also have like thirteen-something thousand dollars just sitting around for whatever. Man, just weigh that in your mind for a second. One guy comes up and tells you he wants to give you crazy-ass card of some rookie pitcher, and another guy comes up and offers you a Babe Ruth autograph and thirteen thousand dollars. If you chose the Strasburg card, you are either severely mentally handicapped, or you just hate the shit out of Babe Ruth. And money. And puppies. Jesus.
2. A super high-graded Jackie Robinson rookie card.
Okay, so just for the sake of argument, let's throw the idea out there that this ton on money you have has to spent on a baseball card. Fine. Let's weigh your options here: A: a Fancy rookie card that came out this year of a guy who's never thrown a major league pitch, might never be any good if he does ever throw a major league pitch, or could just end up banging his arm on a door frame really hard and never playing at all. Or B: A sixty-two year old rookie card (in what would be considered pretty damn good condition for a five year old card) of the most important baseball player of olden days to not potentially be an alcoholic Klansman, important to the point where he's considered more of an important part of American History rather than just Major League Baseball history, and is the only player to ever have his number retired by an entire goddamn pro sports league. Gee, I dunno.
1. A GODDAMN GEORGE WASHINGTON AUTOGRAPH
Look, if you don't know who George Washington was, you're probably an enemy of freedom, and I hate you. If you don't hate freedom, and just either went to a shitty public school or some private/home school situation where they just taught you about why God hates Democrats all day, here's a little video to remind you:
An official goddamn document, hand-signed by a man who invented cocaine, had a brain for a heart, and fucked the shit out of bears. Stephen Strasburg has no achievements that even approach things like that, and I bet he'd even save the British children. Traitor.
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Or, failing all of these, maybe you could have just skipped the Superfractor card and just bid on one of the several other "one of one" Stephen Strasburg cards from the exact same brand. (I'm pretty sure there's eleven, counting printing plates) Or just held out and waited till the autographed Superfractor card gets pulled, which could end up selling for way less than sixteen thousand, if it doesn't happen sometime soon. Just sayin'.
1 comment:
I want to hear more about listening to jazz without a witness and drinking warm tap water.
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