BIG FOUR OMG!!!!!!!!11111ONE

I know I'm about a week late this one, but when I had my website-updatin' mojo working last week, the whole thing with the socks-with-sandals crowd gathering en masse to watch doctors, lawyers, and business executives jack off their flutes was more time-sensitive. Anyway, they had this big rock festival thingy going on, and the big attraction was the "THE BIG FOUR" were playing a show together for the first time ever. And seeing as out of the maybe seven people who read my crap, there has to be at least two or three with no clue of such things, I'll explain. Back in the eighties, heavy metal was blowing up all over, and somewhere underneath the wall-to-wall glam rock coverage, thrash metal was pretty much the king. And amongst these bands, a "big four" emerged, meaning four bands that everyone generally agreed were head and shoulders above everyone else, and these four bands were Metallica, Megadeth, Slayer, and Anthrax. (But since this is the internet, I'm assuming there's someone in a black metal t-shirt with an unreadable band logo reading this right now and thinking, "no, it's Kreator, Sodom, Destruction, and Tankard, fag!") And somehow, despite the obviousness of the whole thing (and despite Metallica not getting too far up their own asses to tour with anyone not in heavy MTV rotation until sometime in the late 90s) such a thing as all four getting together at once had never happened before.

And well, when the big shocking finale of getting all four bands onstage to play Diamond Head's "Am I Evil?" happened, (That was that YouTube video that you didn't watch up there.) it wasn't perfect, but I suppose it could have gone much worse. There was only one person who really embarrassed himself, and the logisitcs of having six guitar players, three bass players, three singers, three drummers, and Lars Ulrich never went as haywire as something like that is usually supposed to. But let's take a look at what happened, with my stupid little observations on a band-by-band basis:

Metallica then and now: Robert Trujillo sure looked different 27 years ago.

Metallica - The stars of the show, by virtue of having sold as many records as the other Big Three combined, maybe even with a zero on the end of the other bands' total, despite not putting out a decent album since 1991. And when everyone took the stage, they had wo of the best metal drummers ever, plus that thoroughly competent dude Dave has playing for him in Megadeth now, and they STILL insisted that Lars had to be the guy sitting behind the only real kit. Just damn. It boggles my mind to think of how good Metallica would have been back in the day if they had ever bothered to hire a professional drummer, and when given a chance to see what it might have been like, they just make the other three dudes pound on snare drums like a bunch of damn apes. Meanwhile, that turd Lars will just just slowly go "BOOM, TSS, BOOM, TSS" to his heart's content, even when the rest of the band is going a million miles an hour. Also in regard to the rhythm section, recurring theme of the night was how odd it seemed to have a big nostalgia reunion with so many newer (and usually way younger) members in some of these bands, but I figure Robert Trujillo fit in nicely, since Suicidal Tendencies probably would have at least been in the Big Fifteen, if such a thing existed. On that note, they need to put together a Big Thirty show someday, so my boys Sacred Reich can be on a DVD sold at Target. Lastly, it seems so odd to me that even though his band has sucked balls for like fifteen years and we all now know that he's a twelve-stepping, midlife crisis-riddled Republican, James Hetfield still comes off as the coolest guy in the room, no matter where he is. It's like some sort of superpower. Also, he's starting to sound really Canadian lately. Possibly related? Must investigate further.

James Hetfield only has a midlife crisis. Kerry King IS a midlife crisis.

Second - Slayer, The Big Four member who managed to hang on to most of their metal scene credibility longer than any of the other bands, and hasn't put out a decent record since 1990. And well, um... So... Where were these guys? Dave Lombardo was the only band member to take part in the big finale, and Tom Araya came out for the curtain call, but that was it. According to internet heresay, Jeff Hanneman just didn't do it, because he isn't into making a spectacle of himself or whatever, which sort of flies in the face of being in a huge heavy metal band that puts out a CD called God Hates Us All, but whatever. If I had to guess why Kerry King didn't come out there, it's because he's way too into that "true metal till death, motherfucker" image, and couldn't be seen in the same place as a band like Metallica. Which, once again, flies in the face of him being that dude from the late 90s, bouncing around the stage in huge pants like a lost member of Limp Bizkit. On the other hand, I've heard that both King and Araya might have stayed away from the thing due to both of them having personal issues with Dave Mustaine. Which makes sense, seeing as he's always been a huge, giant asshole.

I just found out that Dave Mustaine used to be in Metallica. No, seriously, this is new information that has just now come to light. I know, right?

Megadeth - Dave Mustaine's solo act, recently joined by former Megadeth bass player David Ellefson, who haven't put out a decent album since... Um, September last year. But they had sucked since about the mid-nineties, and even broke up at one point, so nyeah. It's crazy as hell seeing both Megadaves back together now, after Ellefson was trying to sue Mustaine's pants literally off a few years ago. I guess Big Dave's new-found Jesus powers got everything smoothed out with Dave Junior in time for the Rust in Peace 20th anniversary tour. It's just too bad he couldn't have made the phone calls and promises of huge cash prizes necessary to get Marty Friedman to stop playing music for Japanese pedophiles and to get Nick Menza to take a few months off from the styrofoam peanut factory, or whatever the hell he's doing now. And speaking of bizarre reunions of relationsships once sundered by alcoholism and assholery, Dave Mustaine and James Hetfield actually hugged. I don't even know if I can make a joke about that. That's not supposed to happen. It's like seeing Superman taking Lex Luthor out to a titty bar or something. Maybe all that 2012 crap isn't bullshit, and this is the first sign of the End Times.

WE RIIIDE! WITH DEATH! TOOOONIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGHHTTTT!

And finally, Anthrax, the only Big Four band to ever fall on hard times, despite never really putting out a bad album. Thing is, I'm pretty sure no one will actually manufacture or distribute their stuff anymore, so their last decent one was from 2003. And all there is to say is that you fuckers out there have been wanting Joey Belladonna back in the band since 1992, and you really ought to be careful with wishes like that. That dude looked less like a capable frontman than he did some old dude who wandered onstage and stole a microphone, possibly by shooting magic laser beams out of his big, ridiculous 1986 bracelet... things. According to Joey Belladonna, the song "Am I Evil" actually contains the following two lyrical snippets:

TAKE A DOW NOW
I DON'T SEE YOUR FACE
A BLASTING ON OUR BOWELS
I'LL HIDE IN DISGRACE

A TAKE NO CHANCES
COME WITH ME
SPLIT YOU DOG GO BOOM
HELP YOU SET YOU FREE

Jesus H. Christ, are you telling me that not only has this guy never heard what's become one of Metallica's biggest songs, but also that no one bothered to hand this dude a lyric sheet? And as far as the actual vocal performance, I'm probably the last human on Earth who gets really excited when hearing of an impending Anthrax record release. But after hearing this and realizing that half of the new CD was originally written for that Phil Anselmo impersonator who was in the band last year, I just don't know, man. I mean, I know, Anthrax has made no secret that they've been wanting that guy back in the band for a long, long time now, and the last 15 years of completely snakebit dealings with record labels and band members have pretty much reduced Anthrax to the Bill Dauterive of the Big Four, but goddammit, they should have known better than to let Lenore back into the band. Or something.

(And if you're keeping score, Metallica is the Hank Hill, Megadeth is the Dale Gribble, and Slayer is the Jeff Boomhauer in this whole King of the Hill analogy.)