Chicago Bears stop being assholes, give Lovie Smith his money.
Now, if they would only stop being assholes to Thomas Jones and Lance Briggs.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Monday, February 26, 2007
I trust in heaven, and I'm already there, motherfucker
Cracked.com: The Seven Most Insane Moments From Cable Access TV
This is today's version of the greatest thing I've ever seen, in case you've got about an hour to kill. Discover the horrors of rogue helicopter pilots, the worst Janet Jackson cover possible, a guy calling you a bitch for not loving Jesus, and a guy who combines jogging, painting, and making blended drinks, like I'm sure we've all done before. I still haven't watched #1 yet, though, partially because it's thirty minutes long, and partially because I'm not mentally, emotionally, or spiritually prepared to face such a task.
I remember the days when Cracked was just a retarded, unfunny version of Mad Magazine for ten year olds, and it's weird to see them being a thousand times better than Mad at this point.
This is today's version of the greatest thing I've ever seen, in case you've got about an hour to kill. Discover the horrors of rogue helicopter pilots, the worst Janet Jackson cover possible, a guy calling you a bitch for not loving Jesus, and a guy who combines jogging, painting, and making blended drinks, like I'm sure we've all done before. I still haven't watched #1 yet, though, partially because it's thirty minutes long, and partially because I'm not mentally, emotionally, or spiritually prepared to face such a task.
I remember the days when Cracked was just a retarded, unfunny version of Mad Magazine for ten year olds, and it's weird to see them being a thousand times better than Mad at this point.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Monday, February 19, 2007
Mike Awesome, 1965-2007
Christ, ANOTHER one. Apparent, suicide, too. Just when you think that wrestlers are dropping like flies, they start going faster and faster.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
SONG OF THE DAY
Turbonegro - "Bad Mongo"
He's been waiting for so long
Singing that same old institution song
A humanoid shape in the dense of night
Bad Mongo got a very big knife
Run back home and lock the door
The streets ain't safe no more
Wild eyes and a dribbling tongue
He likes murder and he likes wrong
Bad Mongo - gonna kick you in the face
Bad Mongo - gonna schtompf you in the eye
Bad Mongo - gonna make you crawl and beg
Before he makes you die
A 'fuck the world' tattoo on his arm
Thee Iron Cross is his lucky charm
From the institution with an axe in his hand
A genetic nightmare
It's the Bad Mongo man
Run back home and lock the door
The streets ain't safe no more
Wild eyes and a dribbling tongue
He likes murder and he likes wrong
Bad Mongo - gonna kick you in the face
Bad Mongo - gonna schtompf you in the eye
Bad Mongo - gonna make you crawl and beg
Before he makes you die
Bad Mongo - is gonna stab you in the foot
Bad Mongo - he's gonna kill you in the face
Bad Mongo - is gonna destroy
Bad Mongo - the human race
Bad Mongo
He's been waiting for so long
Singing that same old institution song
A humanoid shape in the dense of night
Bad Mongo got a very big knife
Run back home and lock the door
The streets ain't safe no more
Wild eyes and a dribbling tongue
He likes murder and he likes wrong
Bad Mongo - gonna kick you in the face
Bad Mongo - gonna schtompf you in the eye
Bad Mongo - gonna make you crawl and beg
Before he makes you die
A 'fuck the world' tattoo on his arm
Thee Iron Cross is his lucky charm
From the institution with an axe in his hand
A genetic nightmare
It's the Bad Mongo man
Run back home and lock the door
The streets ain't safe no more
Wild eyes and a dribbling tongue
He likes murder and he likes wrong
Bad Mongo - gonna kick you in the face
Bad Mongo - gonna schtompf you in the eye
Bad Mongo - gonna make you crawl and beg
Before he makes you die
Bad Mongo - is gonna stab you in the foot
Bad Mongo - he's gonna kill you in the face
Bad Mongo - is gonna destroy
Bad Mongo - the human race
Bad Mongo
Friday, February 16, 2007
Also
Having really dry skin on my hands and elbows sucks really bad, because I always have a bottle of lotion at my desk, and that seriously just doesn't look right.
I might be dying
Over the last month, I haven't gone to the gym, and I've been hella munching on ribs and pizzas and Taco Bells and junk and stuff, and somehow through all of this, I've lost like six pounds.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
WHAT IN THE EVERLASTING NAME OF HELLING DAMNING SHIT IS GOING ON HERE
AAAAARRRRRGGGHHHH
AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHH
AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHH
Monday, February 12, 2007
I have no idea what this picture means or where it came from
But it's probably the funniest thing I'll ever see:
Sunday, February 11, 2007
$ONG OF THE DAY
The Beatles - "Taxman"
Let me tell you how it will be,
There’s one for you, nineteen for me,
‘Cos I’m the Taxman,
Yeah, I’m the Taxman.
Should five per cent appear too small,
Be thankful I don’t take it all,
‘Cos I’m the Taxman,
Yeah, I’m the Taxman.
If you drive a car, I’ll tax the street,
If you try to sit, I’ll tax your seat,
If you get too cold, I’ll tax the heat,
If you take a walk, I’ll tax your feet.
Taxman.
‘Cos I’m the Taxman,
Yeah, I’m the Taxman.
Don’t ask me what I want it for
(Taxman Mister Wilson)
If you don’t want to pay some more
(Taxman Mister Heath),
‘Cos I’m the Taxman,
Yeah, I’m the Taxman.
Now my advice for those who die,
Declare the pennies on your eyes,
‘Cos I’m the Taxman,
Yeah, I’m the Taxman.
And you’re working for no-one but me,
Taxman.
Let me tell you how it will be,
There’s one for you, nineteen for me,
‘Cos I’m the Taxman,
Yeah, I’m the Taxman.
Should five per cent appear too small,
Be thankful I don’t take it all,
‘Cos I’m the Taxman,
Yeah, I’m the Taxman.
If you drive a car, I’ll tax the street,
If you try to sit, I’ll tax your seat,
If you get too cold, I’ll tax the heat,
If you take a walk, I’ll tax your feet.
Taxman.
‘Cos I’m the Taxman,
Yeah, I’m the Taxman.
Don’t ask me what I want it for
(Taxman Mister Wilson)
If you don’t want to pay some more
(Taxman Mister Heath),
‘Cos I’m the Taxman,
Yeah, I’m the Taxman.
Now my advice for those who die,
Declare the pennies on your eyes,
‘Cos I’m the Taxman,
Yeah, I’m the Taxman.
And you’re working for no-one but me,
Taxman.
Hey, if you think your W4 might possibly be wrong...
...You really should have fixed the stupid thing before it got out of hand.
Just did my taxes, and after a W4 screw-up I had forgotten about, the results really kinda sucked. Basically, I had myself down on the withholding thing as having two deductions (Which is hella totally wrong, and I knew it was hella totally wrong, yet that's you come out with if you actually follow the directions, instead of just being non-stupid and typing in a 1.) so things got all screwed up. I had, however, held out an extra $10 federal per check, (Can't remember why I did that, but it worked out okay, I suppose.) so federally, it wasn't too bad. In the end, even with added capital gains taxes ($ HIGH-ROLLA $) from them selling my grandmother's house, I owed the feds twelve bucks. Eh, not too bad. State, though? Well, as soon as I hear back from the place I E-filed with to confirm that everything got filed right, I owe the state of Oklahoma three-hundred and six dollars. God dammity damn. The sad part of all this being that I KNEW I had screwed that form up like ninety years ago and never got around to changing it. Oh well. I've got the money for it, so everything's cool, and with all this out of the way, I'll know exactly how much freed-up money I have, so I can possibly stop putting off the repair of my "holy crap, it could die at any second, keep it under 60 mph" car. Of course, I've had the money to do that forever now, and I still haven't done that, for some reason.
I think the point I'm trying to make with this blog post is that I'm a gigantic dumbass.
Also, I need a new printer. I came to this conclusion while spending like an hour wrestling with the stupid thing, trying to print out the file copy of my return, before realizing I could just save the PDF file to my computer. I like the scanner part of this Lexmark I have, but the printing part leaves much to be desired. There's some crazy design flaw in these things that makes the ink cartridges get clogged up and dried up, so basically, every few months when I need to print something, I have to buy new cartridges. And no, running the cartridge cleaning program or even taking alcohol-dipped Q-Tips to the damn things doesn't work, either. But yeah, I've now had like four sets of ink cartridges in this thing now, which is sad, considering that this is in a period of about three years and maybe fifty pages printed. For the price of all that ink, I could have just gotten a real printer. I need to go back to an HP. The computer of theirs I had was fairly nightmarish, but the HP printer I had was wonderful. I mean, it was from 1998 or so and printed like two pages an hour, but the thing was reliable as hell. Actually, I'm pretty sure my brother still has it, and it still works, so I oughtta see if he's not using it anymore, and just use it as my printer and the Lexmark as my scanner. Eh, but that would be a reason to not buy new stuff, and no one wants that. I should go check things out tomorrow. Or hell, Target and Wal Mart are 24 hour places, so I might do that tonight. I wonder if I should just keep this as my scanner and just get a cheapo one that only prints, though. It would save money, but it would also take up a lot of space and probably eat up way more computer resources. On that note, I really need to think about buying more RAM someday. Eh, but what can you do.
Anyway, in summary, I'm way stupid, Lexmark makes good scanners and crappy printers, and it's a shame that you can't separate the two once you've bought a printer/scanner.
Also, fuck a government, and the fact that people get all stoked over a refund, acting like it's free money someone's generously decided to give you, when all that means is that the government had taken more than they were supposed to, and that's money you should have had like six months earlier, when you really could have used another fifty bucks for electric bills or whatever. On the other hand, the refund you get back is also money you'll probably need when you're fifty bucks short on the electric bill again six months from now, after you spent it all on a Playstation 3 or some fancy chrome rims or something a day after you got the check, so maybe you get what you deserve on some level.
At least I'm not the only dumbass out there.
Just did my taxes, and after a W4 screw-up I had forgotten about, the results really kinda sucked. Basically, I had myself down on the withholding thing as having two deductions (Which is hella totally wrong, and I knew it was hella totally wrong, yet that's you come out with if you actually follow the directions, instead of just being non-stupid and typing in a 1.) so things got all screwed up. I had, however, held out an extra $10 federal per check, (Can't remember why I did that, but it worked out okay, I suppose.) so federally, it wasn't too bad. In the end, even with added capital gains taxes ($ HIGH-ROLLA $) from them selling my grandmother's house, I owed the feds twelve bucks. Eh, not too bad. State, though? Well, as soon as I hear back from the place I E-filed with to confirm that everything got filed right, I owe the state of Oklahoma three-hundred and six dollars. God dammity damn. The sad part of all this being that I KNEW I had screwed that form up like ninety years ago and never got around to changing it. Oh well. I've got the money for it, so everything's cool, and with all this out of the way, I'll know exactly how much freed-up money I have, so I can possibly stop putting off the repair of my "holy crap, it could die at any second, keep it under 60 mph" car. Of course, I've had the money to do that forever now, and I still haven't done that, for some reason.
I think the point I'm trying to make with this blog post is that I'm a gigantic dumbass.
Also, I need a new printer. I came to this conclusion while spending like an hour wrestling with the stupid thing, trying to print out the file copy of my return, before realizing I could just save the PDF file to my computer. I like the scanner part of this Lexmark I have, but the printing part leaves much to be desired. There's some crazy design flaw in these things that makes the ink cartridges get clogged up and dried up, so basically, every few months when I need to print something, I have to buy new cartridges. And no, running the cartridge cleaning program or even taking alcohol-dipped Q-Tips to the damn things doesn't work, either. But yeah, I've now had like four sets of ink cartridges in this thing now, which is sad, considering that this is in a period of about three years and maybe fifty pages printed. For the price of all that ink, I could have just gotten a real printer. I need to go back to an HP. The computer of theirs I had was fairly nightmarish, but the HP printer I had was wonderful. I mean, it was from 1998 or so and printed like two pages an hour, but the thing was reliable as hell. Actually, I'm pretty sure my brother still has it, and it still works, so I oughtta see if he's not using it anymore, and just use it as my printer and the Lexmark as my scanner. Eh, but that would be a reason to not buy new stuff, and no one wants that. I should go check things out tomorrow. Or hell, Target and Wal Mart are 24 hour places, so I might do that tonight. I wonder if I should just keep this as my scanner and just get a cheapo one that only prints, though. It would save money, but it would also take up a lot of space and probably eat up way more computer resources. On that note, I really need to think about buying more RAM someday. Eh, but what can you do.
Anyway, in summary, I'm way stupid, Lexmark makes good scanners and crappy printers, and it's a shame that you can't separate the two once you've bought a printer/scanner.
Also, fuck a government, and the fact that people get all stoked over a refund, acting like it's free money someone's generously decided to give you, when all that means is that the government had taken more than they were supposed to, and that's money you should have had like six months earlier, when you really could have used another fifty bucks for electric bills or whatever. On the other hand, the refund you get back is also money you'll probably need when you're fifty bucks short on the electric bill again six months from now, after you spent it all on a Playstation 3 or some fancy chrome rims or something a day after you got the check, so maybe you get what you deserve on some level.
At least I'm not the only dumbass out there.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Robocop Haiku
O.C.P. head guy:
"Old Detroit has a cancer
The cancer is crime"
Put down your weapon
Twenty seconds to comply
You call this a glitch!?
Robbery gone bad
You burnt the fuckin' money!
Can you fly, Bobby?
Na na na na na
Na na na na na na BOOM
Does it hurt, sweet prince?
A new guy in town
End to crime in forty days
His name's Robocop
You've crossed Line of Death
Pakistan threatens border
By Butler Brothers
Serve the public trust
And protect the innocent
Uphold the law, too.
Ironbutt, boner
Once, even called him asshole.
He's a sweet old man
On every TV
"I'll buy that for a dollar"
The hell does that mean?
I killed Bob Morton
Because he made a mistake
Erase mistakes now
Ooh, guns, guns, guns, guns
Tigers are playing tonight
Never miss a game
I got protection
I work for Dick Jones! Dick Jones!
Yes, I am a cop.
You're pretty smart, huh?
Think you can outsmart a bullet?
You're dead! We killed you!
What are the charges?
Gimme my fuckin' phone call.
He's a copkiller
Got an S.U.X.
Still got the sticker on it
Just like yours, Clarence
Free society
Except there ain't nothing free
Law of the jungle.
Murphy, I'm a mess
Don't worry, they will fix you
They fix everything
"Old Detroit has a cancer
The cancer is crime"
Put down your weapon
Twenty seconds to comply
You call this a glitch!?
Robbery gone bad
You burnt the fuckin' money!
Can you fly, Bobby?
Na na na na na
Na na na na na na BOOM
Does it hurt, sweet prince?
A new guy in town
End to crime in forty days
His name's Robocop
You've crossed Line of Death
Pakistan threatens border
By Butler Brothers
Serve the public trust
And protect the innocent
Uphold the law, too.
Ironbutt, boner
Once, even called him asshole.
He's a sweet old man
On every TV
"I'll buy that for a dollar"
The hell does that mean?
I killed Bob Morton
Because he made a mistake
Erase mistakes now
Ooh, guns, guns, guns, guns
Tigers are playing tonight
Never miss a game
I got protection
I work for Dick Jones! Dick Jones!
Yes, I am a cop.
You're pretty smart, huh?
Think you can outsmart a bullet?
You're dead! We killed you!
What are the charges?
Gimme my fuckin' phone call.
He's a copkiller
Got an S.U.X.
Still got the sticker on it
Just like yours, Clarence
Free society
Except there ain't nothing free
Law of the jungle.
Murphy, I'm a mess
Don't worry, they will fix you
They fix everything
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Songerio of the Day
Pitboss 2000 - "Banerio"
Let's be honest, simple and plain
No one's as ugly as the singer from Bane
Bucked ass teeth, the color of toffee
You should use Crest instead of gargling with coffee
I look at you and it hurts my eyes
You look like you've been bobbing for french fries
Crumb cake complexion, busted as hell
Is that your teeth, or is your tongue just in jail?
You might get mad, and you'll wanna' smack me
But don't hate me, hate your abundance of acne
So, I hear you have game
How... who knows?
Proof positive
Scene points pull hoes
Let's be honest, simple and plain
No one's as ugly as the singer from Bane
Bucked ass teeth, the color of toffee
You should use Crest instead of gargling with coffee
I look at you and it hurts my eyes
You look like you've been bobbing for french fries
Crumb cake complexion, busted as hell
Is that your teeth, or is your tongue just in jail?
You might get mad, and you'll wanna' smack me
But don't hate me, hate your abundance of acne
So, I hear you have game
How... who knows?
Proof positive
Scene points pull hoes
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
You know what I could go for? Some faggots, that's what.
"The great British faggot is full of flavour and a great belly warmer at this time of year."Just read the article.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Oh hey, they cured AIDS
Okay, not really.
President's 'HIV cure' condemned
President's 'HIV cure' condemned
President Jammeh, who says he can also cure asthma, made his announcement to a gathering of foreign diplomats last month.That last sentence has quite possibly blown my mind on some level. But maybe we'll try to one-up Gambia by announcing that George W. Bush found a way to cure prostate cancer, using a compound made of Diet Mountain Dew and that salt that goes in ice cream makers.
"I can treat asthma and HIV/Aids... Within three days the person should be tested again and I can tell you that he/she will be negative," he said in a statement.
"I am not a witch doctor and in fact you cannot have a witch doctor. You are either a witch or a doctor."
Monday, February 05, 2007
CONGRATULATIONS TO THE 2007 NFL WORLD CHAMPION CHICAGO BEARS
ESPECIALLY TO MVP REX GROSSMAN, WHO THREW FOR OVER 300 YARDS WITH THREE TOUCHDOWNS AND NO INTERCEPTIONS.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Saturday, February 03, 2007
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