The Definitive Roommate Grievance List

Anyone who's read the page, the message board, or anywhere else I go online, you've heard me beitching about my roommate. Well, now that it's become an almost certainty that either she or I will be out of here soon, here's the definitive list of bullshit I've had to put up with. Bet I have all your crappy roommates beat:

• Spent hundreds of dollars on bullshit like decorative pillows and spice racks, (why not just use the cabinet?) then told me after the fact that this stuff was for the house, so I have to pay for half of it. Then tells me she needs money by Friday, or she can't make her car insurance payment. If buying shit means you can't afford car insurance, that means you can't afford it. A sign of things to come.
  
• We moved in the first week of August. There's still a pile of boxes, bags, and similar crap taking up most of the kitchen. Close to four months, and she still hasn't unpacked. Also, she was already buying some of the aforementioned buying stuff for the new place before she had even started packing stuff at her old one. Here's the pile:
  
  
  
  
• Made a deal where I do dishes and take out garbage, and she cleans the bathrooms and the floors. The floors have been cleaned twice, by me. The bathroom has been cleaned only once, by me, and I'll get to that in a minute.
• After a month where she almost daily brought home at least three bags from Big Lots, Wal Mart, Target, Hot Topic, or a host of other places, informed me that she didn't have money for rent or to help with bills. Gee, that's a shocker.
  
• Not long after telling me there was no money for bills and borrowing rent money from a guy she already owed close to $200 to, brought home the fucking computer from The Fast and the Furious. $100-ish (I'm guessing) speaker system, (That she didn't know how to hook up, as far as I can tell - The 5.1 surround speakers are all just randomly arranged, pointing straight at her from the front, and the subwoofer is unplugged, so it sounds like a $100 clock radio. Jeez.) $356 (with shipping - I checked the packing slip before I threw away the box) 17-inch flat-panel LCD monitor, and the thousand-dollar (according to her) CPU tower. which is a transparent cube with neon lights, a DVD burner, and the top-of-the-line in processors, graphics cards, etc. And basically, all she does with her computer is regular internet crap and occasionally playing Everquest, like once a week. So AFTER telling me she was broke, she brought home about $1500 worth of computer that she pretty much doesn't use. Nice.
• Told me if I bought the ingredients, she'd make lasagna. Being a hungry dude, I obliged. And after waiting over two months, she finally took all the stuff I bought to someone else's house, and made one for them, which I didn't even get any cold leftovers from. There's somewhere around 30 bucks down the drain with nothing to show for it.
• I'm a slob, and I admit that freely. But I am Martha Stewart compared to this woman. She is fucking unsanitary. I decided to stop cleaning up the living room, since I never go in there. Here's what it looks like right now.
  
  
  
  If it just looks like a big pile of crap, that's because it is a big pile of crap. You can't see the floor, for the most part. It's like living in an unsupervised six-year-old's bedroom. Also, if I had a better camera, you could see the Dr. Pepper can, cup from Long John Silver's, and Capri Sun pouch thrown on the floor that have been there for at least three weeks and counting. But you haven't read about anything truly nasty yet. Heh.
• After a second month of telling me there was no money for bills, she took a trip to Minnesota to see a fucking Ani DiFranco concert that was probably going to be much closer at some point in the next few months, anyway. According to the reciept I found in the floor of the living room, (where else would I find it?) the flight and hotel room ran her somewhere around $450. Also, while she was there, she got a wild hair up her ass and decided she would drive to Canada to get medicinal marijuana. No wait, this gets funnier. First, she calls me and asks me to look online for the locations of any nearby "marijuana shops," followed by me explaining to her that you can't just walk in somewhere and buy weed for no good goddamn reason. She then tells me that she'll just say it's for her asthma. Yeah. Breathing in toxic smoke. For asthma. Indeed. After I look some shit up and explain to her how they only give it to people with cancer, HIV/AIDS, arthritis, or multiple sclerosis, and that even if she had that shit, they wouldn't just hand it out to a foreigner who walks in off the street without a prescription, she gets all frustrated, and just keeps asking me to get Yahoo driving directions to the nearest semi-large city in Canada. Finally, she gives up, and by her tone, she clearly thought I was the idiot here. The next day, she drove to Canada. Needless to say, she didn't bring home any prescription pot. And this woman is a fucking law student, and from what I've heard, gets good grades at it. And she's dumber than a sack of hammers. Hammers with learning disabilities. I'm surprised she can tie her shoes on a semi-regular basis. Jesus Christ.
• Oh yeah, while she was in Minnesota, she invited a guy I didn't know to stay here for the weekend, without even asking me first. Luckily, the guy never showed up, and just took a weekend-long joyride in her car. That was great.
• Now, the nastiness I alluded to. I'd like to preface this by saying that this isn't her fault, was done with no ill will, and doesn't count as any wrongdoing on her part. But just the fact that it happened should be cause for me to move out. Basically, while I'm at work, she has a near-fatal asthma attack, falls and hit the toilet so hard that she actually breaks the seal and moves the toilet a few inches to one side, and passes out for a while, before finally waking up and getting someone to take her to the hospital, where she stays for two days. Well, then there's the other little thing. I get home, and the house smells really bad. Then, practically before I can take three steps, the phone rings, and it's her explaining what happened. She finishes the call with, "oh yeah, sorry about the mess in the bathroom." Curious, I walk over to the bathroom... And... I see... The horror. To make a long story short:
  Ever spend three hours cleaning an insane amount of human feces off seemingly every surface of a bathroom?
  
  Well, I have.
  Of course, you can't just politely go to someone who almost died and say "so, why'd ya poop everywhere?" so the cause of this remains a mystery. The respiratory and digestive systems aren't connected, so the asthma attack didn't do it. And I suppose the concussion from falling could have done it, but it doesn't explain why it would be EVERYWHERE. Personally, I'm working on a "second shitter" theory, where someone with an axe to grind came in, saw her there, and said "HA! REVENGE IS MINE!" I'll let you know if the theory pans out. Either way, that was the most disgusting thing I've ever been a party to, and aside from the "sorry about the mess in the bathroom" over the phone, I never got any sort of apology, thank-you, or other show of recognition for that shit. Meanwhile, she quit smoking cigarettes to help her asthma, which is a good thing. But she still smokes weed like a chimney, with the explanation that "weed smoke is good for you." I should explain to her that marijauna's only medical uses are as a pain killer, a depressant, and a way to make half-dead folks totally high, and that just in general, inhaling chemical-laden smoke from burning leaves is never good for you, but it's just not worth the trouble. Refer to the previous "sack of hammers" comment. Maybe she should have tried medical school, instead of law school.
• Current total of money she owes me is right around 170 dollars, which is just a little more than what I'll need to keep my cable, internet, and phone from getting cut off. (So if I go missing for a couple weeks, that's why) And she hasn't paid rent yet, to the best of my knowledge. And yesterday, got her third box in two days, marked "here are the DVDs you requested!" Way to prioritize.
• Has a wall of the living room covered in original art she's gotten from people she knows, which would normally be a neat thing. However, one of them is apparently a framed ball-point pen-on-napkin drawing (with creases) with a bunch of shit like giant Cadillacs, giant-titted topless women with their hands on their crotches, and other things along those lines, which basically looks like something you'd see on a wall in grafiti-form, as detectives were investigating their third gang homicide in five days at that particular streetcorner. It might be the sleaziest thing I've ever seen. Then, there's the artsy-fartsy-wannabe colored-pencil drawing that's basically an undetailed extreme close-up of a poorly-drawn, rainbow-colored chick with her legs spread, Hustler-style. If I asked whoever drew it about the picture, they'd probably tell me something about the power of women and male-dominated society being oppressive or some shit, when in reality, it's just a bad drawing of a twat. Needless to say, it's not something I'd be happy to have there if someone like my grandma stopped by. I'd have pictures of these, but my camera sucks.
  
• The dog ran out of food, and I had already told her the day before that after a month where an extra $170-a-month in new bills started, (had to get a new car when the old one died) and another $400 or so in unexpected stuff came up (down patyment on the car, and vet bills for a dead kitten, which is an example of how great my month has been) and killed me financially, I didn't have a dollar to my name. A normal person would find some way to gt some food for the dog, right? Not her. She disappears for close to three days, leaving me to feed the poor guy a combination of bologna, bread, and kitten food, until I can scrape together enough change (literally, as in heading to the bank with a Wal Mart bag full of pennies) to buy him some shitty Ol' Roy food, which is humiliating for me, after a year of telling people not to buy that crap, when I worked at Petsmart. Finally, about a week later, she decides to buy him some real food. Meanwhile, all my kitten food is gone, so I have to borrow money from a guy at work to feed her that "Special Kitty" crap, that's probably rotting her insides as we speak. Even animals suffer in a house with her.
  
• Twice, while all of this was going on, she went to my brother at work to tell him how I was the bad roommate. Needless to say, her bitching fell on deaf ears.
• Has never paid her half of the bills, and has never been less than a week late on rent, costing her an extra 50 bucks a month, which should be going to me.
  
• Also, I'd just like to add that a couple weeks ago, she ate three of my frozen chimichangas. That blew.

So there you have it. Anyone who's ever bitched about their roommate to me can kiss my fat ass.