A fine day of purchasing.

Today, not only did buying two packs of football cards net me three Reggie Bush and Matt Leinart rookies with a total book value of $75, (have you been reading Cardboard Downfall lately?) but I bought some hamburger buns, and in addition to the eight buns regularly included, there was an extra half of a bun inside.

Hey, haven't done a SONG OF THE DAY in a while

The Vacant Lot - "Slept on His Arms Last Night"

They were happy together for oh so many years
Then she walked out and left him
Now all he has is tears
He was drinkin' and drinkin'
And then he'll drink some more
Drink drink, wash room, drink drink, throw up
And he passed out on the floor
Then eighteen hours later, when he finally came to
He tried to pick himself right off the floor
But his limbs, they would not move

'Cause he slept on his arms last night
He has no feeling in his left arm or his right
'Cause he slept on his arms last night
Wishes he hadn't drank so much

He has trouble frying bacon
A hard time playing jacks
Can't take his rectal temperature
Rub Blistex on his cracks
He can't peel bananas
Take medicine for his cough
Wipe his brow, play basketball
Shuck peanuts, or jerk off

'Cause he slept on his arms last night
He has no feeling in his left arm or his right
'Cause he slept on his arms last night
Wishes he could kill himself

There's no way he can hang himself
Or overdose on drugs
Can't push his wheelchair off a cliff
'Cause he ain't got one
Can't start his car in a closed garage
Wrap his head in cellophane
Can't drink a sixth of hemlock
Shove his nose into his brain

'Cause he slept on his arms last night
He has no feeling in his left arm or his right
'Cause he slept on his arms last night
Boy, his ass is itchy.

CARDBOARD DOWNFALL

I figured since I've been doing so much talking and obsessing over stupid little pieces of cardboard lately, I'd go full-tilt and make another blog, just for that kind of stuff. There, I'll share the tales of the last twenty years of wasting my money on this crap, maybe give my opinions on new brands or whatever, and if it's anything like the music review blog I started late last year, it'll start with a flurry of updates, only to scarcely ever get touched again. But yeah. I really need to mess with the sidebar over there to give some sort of updates on when those get updates. But until then, enjoy my CARDBOARD DOWNFALL.

Speaking of selling stuff on Ebay

Hey, remember that weird Metallica CD I mentioned a few months ago?
Almost 40 bucks with five days left. Something tells me it might be a good time to think about selling my copy. Hmm.
On that note, I'm making preparations for the big gamble of Ebaying off some of those cards. For now, I'm just gathering up the stuff and making scans of it for future use. You can check out the ongoing project here. I'm using all the tricks of the trade here, including using colored construction paper backgrounds to better display the conditions of the cards' corners and setting certain ones on top of this plastic file folder I got to filter out some of the light to make foil parts more visible. (So far, the Peyton and LT cards) Damn, I'm good.

Man, Ebay

I've been spending too much money on football cards (I'll post more about that tomorrow, when I'm not about to pass out) in the last year, and while the relatively high-dollar cards (for me, at least; I'm one one of the creepy power-collectors who spends the hundreds every month on the stuff required to get the severely valuable stuff) of guys who aren't my favorite players (the "notebook guys;" more on that at a later date) have piled up, it occurred to me that I really ought to try selling some of these off to try and make the 20-year addiction start to pay for itself. But a quick scan across Ebay has shown me that they might not be the way to go to dump off the stack of Vince Youngs and Matt Leinarts that have accumulated. Like I got this card. A Charlie Whitehurst card. And yeah, he's a backup QB and his stuff isn't in high demand, but it's one of those cards that has a chunk of a jersey attached to it. A real jersey that he's even wearing on the front of the card. Everybody wants those jersey cards right now, you know? And the thing books at about six bucks or so, and I figure hell, I might be able to make at least half of that. Well, taking a quick glance across the Whitehurst stuff other people have put up for auction, the picture is freaking grim. It's like a vast sea of jersey cards, autographed cards, and autographed jersey cards, all of which book at way more than the one I have, and they're all going for like a dollar ninety-nine, if anyone's bid at all. And the thing is, it's the same way for cards of guys who people actually want cards of, who aren't scrubs like Charlie fucking Whitehurst. What I want to know is where all these low-bid cards are when it's actually one I would want? How can a Reggie Bush card with authentic autographs from Reggie Bush, Jesus Christ, and The Easter Bunny with a book value of nine-zillion dollars auction for $8.00, when the $3.50 autographed Jim Flanigan card I tried to get once zoomed up to $11.50 by the time I decided that only a retard would pay that much for a card of a lesser-known defensive tackle?

I think what I'm trying to say here is that if there's anyone out there who likes football cards with pieces of jerseys glued to them, I got some Matt Jones, Charlie Whitehurst, Derrick Hagan, and Willis McGahee action I can hook you up with. (For the record, I've also got ones with Olin Kreutz, Anquan Boldin, and Charlie Batch, but I'm keeping those for me.) Also, I think I have like four of that Topps Total Sports Illustrated for Kids Reggie Bush that's worth like eight bucks, but I can't remember where the box is with all of those, so just focus on the jersey cards for now. But yeah, you guys should send me money for those.

I went to Big Lots today

while wearing my Brian Urlacher jersey. There was a dude there in a Dwight Freeney jersey. We exchanged uncomfortable glances.

SONG OF THE DAY

The Chicago Bears Shufflin' Crew - "The Super Bowl Shuffle"

(all)
We are the Bears Shufflin' Crew
Shufflin' on down, doin' it for you
We're so bad, we know we're good
Blowin' your mind like we knew we would
You know we're just struttin' for fun
Struttin' our stuff for everyone
We're not here to start no trouble
We're just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle

(Walter Payton)
Well, they call me Sweetness, and I like to dance
Runnin' the ball is like makin' romance
We had the goal since training camp
To give Chicago a Super Bowl champ
But we're not doin' this because we're greedy,
The Bears are doin' it to feed the needy
We didn't come here to look for trouble,
We just come here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle

(Willie Gault)
This is speedy Willie, and I'm world class1
I like running but I love to get the pass
I practice all day and dance all night
I gotta get ready for the Sunday fight
Now, I'm as smooth as a chocolate swirl
I dance a little funky, so watch me, girl
There's no one here that does it like me
My Super Bowl Shuffle will set you free

(Mike Singletary)
I'm Samurai Mike, I stop 'em cold
Heart of the defense, big and bold
I've been jammin' for quite a while
Doin' what's right and settin' the style
Give me a chance, I'll rock you good
Nobody messin' in my neighborhood
I didn't come here lookin' for trouble,
I just came to do the Super Bowl Shuffle

(all)
We are the Bears Shufflin' Crew
Shufflin' on down, doin' it for you
We're so bad, we know we're good
Blowin' your mind like we knew we would
You know we're just struttin' for fun
Struttin' our stuff for everyone
We're not here to start no trouble
We're just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle

(Jim McMahon)
I'm the punky2 QB known as McMahon
When I hit the turf, I've got no plan
I just throw my body all over the field
I can't dance, but I can throw the pill
I motivate the cats, I like to tease
I play so cool, I aim to please
That's why you all got here, on the double
To catch me doin' the Super Bowl Shuffle

(Otis Wilson)
I'm momma's boy Otis, one of a kind
The ladies all love me for my body and my mind
I'm slick on the floor as I can be
But ain't no sucka gonna get past me
Some guys are jealous of my style and class
That's why some end up on their (whistle)
I didn't come here lookin' for trouble
I'm just gettin' down to the Super Bowl Shuffle

(Steve Fuller)
They say Jimbo is our man
If Jimmy can't do it, I sure can
This is Steve, and it's no wonder,
I run like lightning, pass like thunder
So bring on Atlanta, bring on Dallas
This is for Mike3 and Papa Bear Halas4
But I'm not here to feathers ruffle,
I'm just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle

(Mike Richardson)
I'm L.A. Mike, and I play it cool
They don't sneak by me, cause I'm no fool
I fly on the field and get on down
Everybody knows I don't mess around
I can break em shake em any time of day
I like to steal it and make 'em pay
Please don't try to beat my hustle
Cause I'm just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle

(all)
We are the Bears Shufflin' Crew
Shufflin' on down, doin' it for you
We're so bad, we know we're good
Blowin' your mind like we knew we would
You know we're just struttin' for fun
Struttin' our stuff for everyone
We're not here to start no trouble
We're just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle

(Richard Dent)
The sack man's comin', I'm your man Dent
If a quarterback's slow, he's gonna get bent
We stop the run, we stop the pass
I like to burn fires on your (whistle)
We love to play for the world's best fans
We're gonna start makin' the Super Bowl plan
But don't get ready, or go through any trouble
Unless you practiced the Super Bowl Shuffle

(Gary Fencik )
It's Gary here, and I'm Mister Clean
They call me "hitman," don't know what they mean
They throw it long, and watch me run
I'm on my man, one on one
Buddy's5 guys cover it down to the bone
That's why they call us the 466 zone
Come on everybody, let's scream and yell
We're gonna do the shuffle, then ring your bell

(William Perry)
You're lookin' at the Fridge, I'm the rookie
I may be large, but I'm no dumb cookie
You seen me hit, you seen me run
When I kick and pass, we'll have more fun
I can dance, you will see
The others, they all learn from me
I didn't come here lookin' for trouble
I just came to do the Super Bowl Shuffle

(all)
We are the Bears Shufflin' Crew
Shufflin' on down, doin' it for you
We're so bad, we know we're good
Blowin' your mind like we knew we would
You know we're just struttin' for fun
Struttin' our stuff for everyone
We're not here to start no trouble
We're just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle

CHICAGO BEAR OF THE DAY

REX GROSSMAN

ICE STORM OF THE CENTURY OF THE DAY, DAY THREE

LIGHT SNOW ARRRRGGGHHH

WE DIDN'T LISTEEEENNNNNNNN


This is the lamest Ice Storm of the Century I've ever been a part of. 1994 kept it real, yo.

DEADLY DISASTER

I gained back like four pounds.

Stupid Mississippi.

ICE STORM OF THE CENTURY OF THE DAY 2007, DAY TWO

It's hella-cold, but nothing much else to report. The freezing rain came down as sleet instead, the roads are in this bizarre condition where half of them are just a white sheet, yet you could probably drive 55 miles an hour or like sprint down them on foot all zig-zaggy without slipping. It's weird. I'm about to totally drive across town for no real essential reason; I just got stuff I wanna do over there. That's how much of a non-issue the roads are right now. Also, the main drags have been salted, so there's barely anything on them, anyway. The big stuff hits around 4:00 am, though, and I've got the Pet Taxi (for the cat), a bag of clothing and stuff (for me), and the little container we got egg drop soup in once (for the fish), in case crazy crap happens, and I have to move in with my brother across town. Stupid apartment with nothing that runs on gas. If that happens, I'll have to endure such hardships as fireplaces and giant TVs, but I'll manage somehow.
But yeah, ICE STORM OF THE CENTURY OF THE DAY 2007~! isn't shaping up to be too much right now. I sure hope the Bears don't embarrass themselves tomorrow.

ICE STORM OF THE CENTURY OF THE DAY 2007, DAY ONE

Some sleet fell, and it's cold.

ICE STORM OF THE CENTURY OF THE DAY 2007

WE DIDN'T LISTEN! AAAARRRRGGGHHH
WHO WILL SURVIVE, AND WHAT WILL BE LEFT OF THEM?

Seriously, though, I hope the power stays on, or my final remaining fish is SCREWED.

Man, Coast to Coast AM

Have you ever listened to this before? It's like this late-night/early morning radio show that consists entirely of kooks, crazies, and shut-ins talking about all sorts of insane conspiracy theory / UFO crap, and it is a nightly treasure-trove of unintentional hilarity. Like the time they had two guys debating whether or not human beings were planted on Earth by aliens from outer space, and the guy saying that was total crap was the one the host was treating like an idiot, or how they'd have this "Prophet Yaweh" dude on there who had the power to summon UFOs, and it all had something to do with him being close to Jesus. And the best part is the variety in shows that comes with the program having two different hosts. On weekdays, George Noory is himself a crazy kook shut-in type who gives the impression that he's a True Believer in all the crap on the show, while on the weekends, Art Bell (who was the original full-time host and as close to being a legend as a dude who does a UFO nut radio show can be) gives off the vibe that he's getting too old for this shit and is finally getting sick of working the marks for four hours at a time. Like, say some obviously schizophrenic dude calls in and talks about how he controls the trees outside of his apartment with divine powers. Noory will be all, "That's amazing! Do you feel any sort of other-worldly presence while this is going on?" leading into a thirty minute conversation with the guy that invariably involves him mentioning his own UFO abduction ten times, while Bell will just sort of go, "yeah, good luck with that, buddy," and hang up on him. Occasionally, they'll actually have a serious guest with real shit to say, like Ray Bradbury or George Carlin, (and what he was doing on this show is something I'll never be able to figure out) but usually it's someone like Alex Jones (the guy who's made so much money off 9/11 conspiracy documentaries that you almost have to wonder if he was behind the plot in the first place), David Icke (the dude who thinks pretty much everyone of prominence is a reptillian alien, and has made millions off books-on-tape telling people about it), or this one dude whose name I don't recall who seems quite sane until he tells you how the Great Pyramids and pretty much anything else of any sort of ancient historical importance was done by the Irish. Figure in the way that at least one caller per show seems to live down the street from a very much alive and well Jim Morrison, and you've got an incredibly stupid, yet fun, way to kill some time when you're up late and can't sleep.

Oh hey

Got a phone call a second ago from some debt collection company that I had to call, so they'd stop calling me for something someone else who used to have my phone number owed to someone. But anyway, this made me decide for some reason to go check out my Sallie Mae account, and it turns out that they've written off the last 75 cents or so that I owed them. So I'm finally officially debt free, like totally and completely.
Awwwwwwwwwesome.

HE'S COMING FOR YOU

HAPPY NEW YEAR