SONG OF THE DAY

Ryan Parker - "Shady Brady and Bill Belicheat"

I never called Bill Belichick a genius,
Cause I remember when he coached the Browns,
He was such a failure up in Cleveland,
The franchise folded up and left the town,
I never said Tom Brady was a hero,
Cause I remember him at Michigan,
Bringing Gatorade to Brian Griese,
Except for garbage time when he got in,

So wasn't it a little shady when this quarterback named Brady,
Suddenly became a mega star,
Wasn't it a bit confusing when this coach who's used to losing,
Earned the reputation that he's smart,
When you know which plays are coming, it can make a coach look cunning,
And make an average quarterback elite,
Cheating's how they got their glory, it's the true deceitful story,
Of Shady Brady and Bill Belicheat,

The tabloids say they've cheated on their girlfriends,
And someone should review their SATs,
The IRS should look into their taxes,
And their colleges should check out their degrees,
Mangini knew the tricks that they were using,
So he convinced the Jets to turn them in,
Cause he was getting sick and tired of losing,
To a team that has to cheat to win,

But Brady's made a lot of money and he's scored a lot of honeys,
By showing off his championship rings,
Bill's been praised because he's clever, and called the greatest ever,
And lived with all the luxuries that brings,
But let's confiscate their Sony's, and expose them both as phonies,
And see how many teams that they can beat,
Some would say it won't be any, if it is, it won't be many,
Poor Shady Brady and Bill Belicheat,
No more lucky play selection, into proper blitz protection,
For Shady Brady and Bill Belicheat,
Cause cheating's how they got their glory, it's the true deceitful story,
Of Shady Brady and Bill Belicheat

Yeah.

Gonna try and redesign some stuff, and it would be easier to just start fresh with a generic Blogger template, so things are going to look odd for a while.

Thoughts on the Bears/Chargers game

Don't know if I'll keep doing the Preseasonseasonpreview stuff, because obviously, this isn't the preseason anymore, and it's not much of a preview at this point, but eh, who knows. Anyway, here's what I observed:

• I never thought I'd see a game where Sexy Rexy could complete less than half of his passes and have two turnovers counted against him, but still be the only reason they got anywhere on offense. Not to mention that he handled having the shit knocked out of him multiple times with way less dazed panic than he has at any point in his career so far. After today, I'd almost say that I had the slightest shred of confidence in Rex Grossman. Almost.
• Can we get a do-over on the Thomas Jones trade? Something tells me that trading away your offensive MVP just so you can make one last effort at justifying a wasted high draft pick and a ton of money on Curtis Enis 2K7 wasn't a very good idea.
  
• This is the second time I've seen Mike Brown go completely off in the first game of the season, only to get injured a little while later. Hopefully, he's not out for the season this time, but knowing his luck, it really wouldn't surprise me. And if we've learned anything from the last hundred times he's gone out, the Bears defense goes from incredible to above average when he's not in the lineup. Urlacher and Harris are the two superstars, but Mike Brown is and always has been the heart and soul of the team. This sucks.
• Also, on the subject of Mike Brown getting injured, fuck Lorenzo Neal and his chickenshit "if I can't actually block the guy I've got fifty pounds on, I'll just drag him down by his neck" blocking tactics. You pussy.
• Also, can we get a do-over on not re-signing Anthony Thomas? Yeah, remember when Jerry Angelo gave that "Ki-Jana Benson a lot like Thomas, except he's better" interview? Yeah, well he was apparently way wrong.
• Dusty Dvoracek also got hurt, and it's an actual real-life injury that actually happened, as opposed to the one they used to basically redshirt him last year. No word yet on how much time he'll miss, if any at all, but this could be a huge loss, as he was really starting to turn into a beast out there. They've got Darwin Walker as a backup, and he's a really good player, but he's a lot more of a pass-rusher than a run-stuffing hole-plugger, so he's not a good fit as the nose tackle.
• Hey Bernard Berrian: Don't stop running until the play is over. That interception was your fault this time, fool.
• Hey referees: Thanks for not noticing when Tommie Harris is far enough offsides to pretty much intercept the snap.
• I'm starting to wonder if last year with the Redskins was the real Adam Archuleta and if all those years where he was actually good for the rams were the fluke. That guy sucks.
• I've never seen a more exciting play in NFL history than when Devin Hester came in for one play, ran some basic pattern, and then went back to the bench. We need to hire Bill Cowher as a special consultant or something, because when you've got the best trick-play weapon in the league, you should use it every now and then.
• Hey, can we a do-over on releasing Neal Anderson and signing Lewis Tillman? Because - Wait, wrong year. But yeah, Cedric Benson is kind of awful.

Gonna be a long, long year.

Here is this.

Todd Marinovich: Ugly Mofo

RANDOM SHIT: Heavy metal lolcats

Oh hey, actual website update. Just in case you had too much of a life to know, there's this big thing sweeping the internet, where people paste goofy text over goofy pictures of cats, and it's really hilarious, but probably shouldn't be. But what's the one kind of photo that's more hilarious than a photo of an adorable cat in a goofy pose? Why, that would be photos of a heavy metal dude in a goofy pose, of course:

Click here to see the rest.

Chicago Bears PRESEASONSEASONPREVIEW Part Four - Receivers/Tight Ends

Things have gotten pretty interesting here in the off season. The big news that everyone's freaking out over is that Devin Hester, possibly the most terrifying force of touchdown-at-any-second fury in the National Football League, has made the switch from terrible cornerback to promising wide receiver/running back hybrid, in addition to his kick returning duties. He's got a ways to go before they start thinking about making him an every-down player or anything like that, but he'll be valuable, in that any time he's on the field, the opposing defenses will absolutely shit their pants. Look for a lot of fake reverses, followed by real reverses, followed by defensive players breaking their own ankles.

Meanwhile, the starters for now should still be veteran team leader guy Muhsin Muhammad and last year's big home run threat Bernard Berrian. Moose is old and slow now, he's still a pretty good possession receiver and, depending on who you ask, second only to maybe Hines Ward as far as blocking WR's in the NFL are concerned. Berrian is one of those super-fast deep threats the Bears have loaded up on lately, and had a nice 2006 season, but has had injury problems.

And speaking of injury problems, 2005 second rounder Mark Bradley is back healthy for a change and seems to be everybody's pick for this year's breakout superdudperstar guy. Makes sense, as seemingly every time he's played in an entire game, he's played like a Pro Bowler, but on the other hand, he seems to get injured every time he does something like that. Rashied Davis continues his semi-successful Arena League to NFL journey, returning as the slot guy/backup kick returner, but from there things get interesting.

Basically, there's one more wide receiver spot open, and seemingly a thousand guys going for it. A couple of guys have already blown it, with former AFL guy Timon Marshall and this other guy called Brandon Rideau that I never really saw do anything getting cut literally a few hours before I typed this. There's also Drisan James, a guy who seems to blow it by making one really dumb play in every preseason game my non-cable-having ass has to listen to over the internet, and he's treading water at best. And then, there are the two slow white guys. It's kind of a strange thing about Bears fans having such a soft spot for white guys whose 40 times can be measured with a sundial. I mean, Tom Waddle was great and all, but there's been no one else of note in like the last hundred years that have passed since Harlon Hill drank himself out of the league. But somehow, I can still remember this dude Glen Kozlowski getting a lot of love, despite the fact that he pretty much made no meaningful contributions to the team at all, and a lot of his teammates supposedly hated him for being a scab player during the '87 strike year. But oh yeah, back to 2007. The battle for the last spot and Snail-like Whiteboy Supremacy seems to be between undrafted free agent David Ball and last year's free-agent pickup Mike Hass, who came over from the Saints after having his roster spot taken by some seventh-round scrub named Colston. Ball had some crazy college stats, even breaking some of Jerry Rice's old tiny-college records, and at one point, some of the people on the official Bears message board were already penciling him in as the starter over Muhammad, (whaaaaat?) but in reality, he's just a slow whiteboy who has about as much of a chance of making the 53-man roster as I do becoming the new singer for Kool and the Gang. At this point, barring injury or arrest of bizarre circumstances, the last spot belongs to Hass, (and for the record, that rhymes with "ass," and doesn't sound like "Hoss," as previously thought) who has made a habit of making crazy-ass, Waddle-sized catches and contributing a few special teams tackles, which is a big deal for a guy trying to claw his way onto a team.
Overall, I figure things will remain about the same for Moose and Berrian, Devin Hester will confound and befuddle defenses with his glory, and Mark Bradley will have like one six-thousand yard game before rupturing his eyeball or something else season-ending.

Oh damn. That about sums up the tight end situation. First, there's Desmond Clark, who was like the absolute unsung key to the passing game last year, in that when defenses let him get open, Rex would throw for a million yards and cure cancer on every other play. But when the defense managed to keep him covered, those were the games where Rex Grossman fumbled every snap and gave everyone in the stadium AIDS. Like I don't know how, but he seriously gave like 300,000 people AIDS last year. That's how bad he was. But yeah, Desmond Clark is really good. But now, there's Greg Olsen, too. And he's nowhere near the blocker that Clark is, but he's potentially one of those crazy Antonio Gates Style unstoppable super tight ends that have been popping up in the last few years that are a lot like wide receivers, except they're like 6'5" and 250 pounds. So basically, look for the Bears to use a lot of two tight end sets this year and just completely be awesome and great and stuff. The smart money is on John "two catches all year, both for touchdowns" Gilmore returning as the third guy, unless Fontel Mines does something spectacular this week.

Personal Injury Blog # 34678

My fingernails had gotten to the point where they were actually grossing me out, so I began the usual exhaustive search of the premises for my fingernail clippers. And while I was on my hands and knees, looking under the desk with a flashlight, I felt something that did not feel like a good thing, and quickly looked at the general vicinity of my elbow. And there was a thumbtack in there, to the point where it was actually flush with my arm. Ow. Like I'm pretty sure it was all up in my skeleton bones. Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow. Came out bizarrely easily, though. But still; ow.

I sure hope I don't die.

Chicago Bears PRESEASONSEASONPREVIEW Part Three - Running Backs

The biggest change here is that Thomas Jones, the guy who came within a hundred yards in 2004 of three straight 1,000 yards seasons and seemed to be the only guy on offense who realized that Super Bowl XLI was actually being played that day, is gone to the New York Jets. There was absolutely no good reason to get rid of him, so they went with the bad reason that Cedric "Hey, that's my TV!" Benson was being paid way too much to be a backup or change-of-pace guy. He showed some flashes last year, really turned it on later in the season, and has one thing over Jones in that he will actually hit a hole, rather than dance around and get dropped for a loss half the time, but if the guy couldn't consistently stay healthy while getting the ball eight times a game, I don't think he'll be able to keep himself together for sixteen games while getting it 20-25 times a game. Add in fumbling issues, off-the-field behavior that hasn't endeared himself to his teammates, and some really shitty showings in training camp and preseason so far, and this could potentially be a disaster. And I think the coaching staff knows this, or they wouldn't have tried to sign Titans RB Chris Brown a little while back, and they wouldn't still be thinking about bringing a veteran in. Cedric Benson has the ability to be a top running back in the NFL, but so does Ron Dayne, and he hasn't done anything, either.

Behind him, the number two guy is Adrian Peterson (the Georgia Southern one, not the Oklahoma one) who is an odd case, in that he's so good at special teams that the coaches actually want to keep him away from the offense, so he'll stay fresh for kick coverage units. Normally, special teams is where players go who aren't good enough to contribute on offense if they want to make a team, but in Peterson's case, he IS good enough to contribute on offense - after Jones and Benson went down in '05, he came in and pretty much whooped ass - but is so insanely ridiculous on special teams that they only want him playing there. Talk about a Catch 22. So the deal here is that he'll probably only see time at running back if Benson gets injured, and the change-of-pace guy will likely be third-round draft pick Garrett Wolfe. He's a shifty little lightning-quick dude with the hands of a wide receiver, which means he'll probably see a lot of action on third-and-long situations, but he's one of the smallest players in the league (5'7", 186 lbs.) and probably wouldn't be able to take the physical pounding of being in the game much more than that. Then again, he did lead the NCAA in rushing yardage last year, so you never know. A wild card here is undrafted free agent Josh Allen, who's coming off a superdestructive knee injury that almost ended his college career before he could really even consider going pro, but has supposedly looked really good in camp. With Peterson being the special teams ace and Wolfe being Smurf-sized, he might actually make the roster as a fourth running back, if he can keep it up over the course of the preseason, as long as the Bears don't decide to bring someone else in.

At fullback, the big change is that for the first time in a while, Bryan Johnson won't be listed on the injured reserve list, as they were finally able to get rid of him. He was supposed to be a major addition to the team a few years ago, but seemed to stay hurt the whole time, and ended up going down in Bears history as more of a Merrill Hoge or a Craig Heyward than as a Brad Muster or Matt Suhey. Bummer. So Jason McKie returns as the starter, and I guess he's competent enough, but he's not exactly a threat to make the Pro Bowl any time soon. He'll catch a few passes here and there, but mostly, he just blocks. Or at least he tries. This year's backup is veteran Obafemi Ayanbadejo, who pretty much got talked into signing with the team by his brother Brendon. He's not much of a contributor as a fullback, but he's yet another major special teams guy, like Adrian Peterson or the previously mentioned Ayanbadejo brother. He's also suspended for four games for pulling a Jim Miller and not reading the vitamin bottle carefully before swallowing the shit. J.D. Runnels is still on the team, but after screwing his knee all up in minicamp, he'll be on injured reserve. His whole career has been a bummer so far, as this follows 2006, where he followed up a career of smashing people's faces as a blocking back at Oklahoma by spending the entire year deactivated, until McKie went down with an injury, when he served as the backup for backup tight end Gabe Reid, who got the starting nod instead. Ouch. Hopefully 2008 will suck less. Also, they apparently picked up Quadtrine Hill from the Patriots like five minutes ago, and I know nothing about him, aside from him having a really weird first name. I'm sure he's a nice enough guy. Hell, I dunno. and there's this other Jon Goldsberry dude I know nothing about, and him and Hill will be locked in an eternal preseason death struggle to see who gets to not play for four games while Ayanbadejo is out. It's clearly a preseason struggle that the entire season may be riding on.

Next: RECEIVERS

Chicago Bears PRESEASONSEASONPREVIEW Part Two - Quarterbacks

Rex Grossman. Rex Grossman could be the one thing that runs the train off the tracks this year. How do I know this? Because that's exactly what he did last year. Think of it this way. The Bears lost the Super Bowl by twelve points. Seven came directly from the arm of Rex, in the form of a pass thrown directly into the air to no one at all, that got returned for a touchdown. So right there, the Bears lose by five. They were within five with absolutely no offense, outside of the running game. So if they had a competent QB in there instead of the Sex Cannon, they probably would have scored another TD or two and won the game. You can point at as many things as you want to, but there's no denying that with a real NFL quarterback in there, the Bears chances of winning at least double. And the most sickening part of all of this is just how much he regressed over the course of the season. He went from potential NFL MVP in September to the subject of Matt Millen-esque "he must have some crazy blackmail photos to have not been benched by now" rumors by December. And while I guess technically, it was his first full year as a starter, and Rex apologists love pointing that out, but the dude was not a rookie. He's started games before. Playoff games even. And he's played football presumably since junior high. He is like a ten year veteran of dudes telling him and showing him how to play football. He should know by now that the answer to the blitz is not to close your eyes and throw the ball into the air at a 90-degree angle. They can say all they want about how much time he's spent watching film and working on his fundamentals or whatever, but I'm starting to worry that the guy just can't be fixed. The Bears haven't had a real franchise QB since Sid Freaking Luckman over 50 years ago, and I don't see that changing any time soon. (Yeah, I love Jim McMahon like everyone should, but the dude stayed hurt and never was really that good. Sorry.)

Behind him, there could be a shakeup here, as Brian Griese has looked horrible in training camp, and Kyle Orton has looked really, really good. Don't be surprised if Orton movies up to number two, and with the money they're paying Griese, he could be gone by the start of the season if he falls to third on the depth chart. If that happens, they'll probably go sign someone else to be the third-string guy, as the only other quarterback in camp is undrafted free agent pickup Chris Leak, a "but he was good in college" Florida guy in the vein of Shane Matthews and... Rex Grossman... who has looked pretty awful so far. He doesn't stand a Chinaman's chance in hell of making the team, unless hella-dudes get injured.
In a just world, Orton would be the starter, since a game-manager type QB who won't do anything flashy, but is guaranteed to not absolutely shit the bed and roll in it, would be a huge improvement over the Grossman roller coaster. Well, 2007 is Rex's contract year, and if he's actually good this season, they probably won't be willing to pay him more money anyway, so that might be the plan for 2008.

Next: RUNNING BACKS

Chicago Bears PRESEASONSEASONPREVIEW Part One - Intro

So last year, the Bears didn't suck. It was INSANE. The defense was crazy, and the offense had wide receivers and quarterbacks and stuff, and it was great. Well, then Mike Brown and Tommie Harris got hurt, Rex Grossman remembered that he's retarded, and stuff kind of fell apart. But the Bears were in the NFC, so they still finished 13-3 and lost what was possibly the most maddeningly boring Super Bowl of all time, which mainly consisted of Peyton Manning throwing an endless stream of four-yard passes that no one ever thought maybe to cover, interspersed briefly with Rex Grossman's ability as a football player having a public meltdown that ranked up there with the scene in Swingers where Jon Favreau leaves that one chick like a hundred answering machine messages and Henry Burris's NFL playing career. And then, in the offseason, things fell apart further. The McCaskey family's policy of pinching pennies until Abe Lincoln screamed ended up costing them a few major members of the coaching staff, mainly defensive coordinator Ron Rivera, and threatened to make Lovie Smith (then the NFL's lowest-paid head coach) just throw out one of those "eh, screw you guys, 16 more games and I'm gone" years like Bill Cowher had in Pittsburgh last year. Then, they traded offensive MVP Thomas Jones to the Jets along with their second round draft pick, just to move up a few spots in the second round. Then, the Tank Johnson situation blew up and he got suspended for 6-8 games, followed by thinking "zero-tolerance policy" meant, "listen, brother, it's cool, just so long as you stay under the legal limit when you drink and drive at three in the morning," and getting released. Then, Pro Bowl linebacker Lance Briggs got so pissed at the suggestion that he'd get stuck with a Franchise Player designation instead of a long-term contract that he actually publicly stated that he would never play another game in Chicago, and that he'd hold out all year if he had to. Then, defensive end Alex Brown demanded to be traded. But eventually, everything worked out. Lovie Smith got a new contract worth a ton of money. The second round pick they got for Thomas Jones eventually turned into second and third round picks in 2007 and third and fifth round picks in 2008, thanks to the Chargers reeeeally wanting Eric Weddle. Tank Johnson ended up getting replaced by Darwin Walker, a better player who doesn't miss games to do time. Lance Briggs decided to settle for a measly guaranteed seven million for one season and signed his Franchise contract. And Alex Brown... Well, he still wants to be traded, but at least he's being cool about it. Add in the way the Bears were the first team to sign all their draft picks, and things are definitely looking up in 2007. Well, there is one thing that could screw it all up...

Next: QUARTERBACKS

Today's learning odyssey

The finer points of making sizzurp, from the faqs.org community. Some of the finer points of wisdom contained within:

"I CAN TELL YOU BOYS AIN'T FROM H-TOWN, YA'LLAIN'T GOT NO IDEA WHAT YOUR TALKIN' BOUT. BOTTOM LINE: SYRUP---PROMETHYZINE W/ CODEINE POUR IT IN A SODA OF YOUR CHOICE AND SIP IT. THAT DXM SIPPIN AND ALL THAT IS FLAT OUT WRONG. YA'LLBE SENDIN' BOYS TO THE TOILET WIT' THAT SH*T... DON'T DO IT, GET THA' REAL DEAL... YOU COME TO THA' H WIT' NYQUIL, OR TUSSIN' YOU GONNA GET SLAPPED IN THA' HEAD REAL QUICK. JP"

"YO MUDA WACKAAS THI IS FIVE HW-E YA STILLA INT FIND ME THIS IS THE LAST CHANCE TO GET THE REAL DEAL DOAC_ONE ON DA HOUSE DIRTY SOUTH RYDAS THE ALBUM LISTEN TO THIS ALL YA LI L HOE ASS NI66A5 & MAY YA CAN GET SOME OF THE SOUTHSIDE INTOXICATION YA HEARD!! REAL DEAL REAL PEOPLE ITS THE DIRTY SOUTH"

"yall boyz wild it dont matta how much u pt as long as u can handle it but u betta eat b4 u sip or u gonna be throwin up purple yellow green red clear or orange it dont matta stay sippin 04"

"Yo mah jiggahs, y'all bust jaspy! Take it from a man who know the REAL sizzurp. Dr. P, Jolly Ree, Prometh/Codein, shaved ice -- if you gots a Snoopy Sno Cone, that make it jess right. Drank up you be leanin squareback! PREAKNESS YO!"

"Shiiiiit I drank syrup like water foooool"

And so on and so forth.

Had to use the card

But I have a new battery now. It takes less than a second to crank the car now, as opposed to the five minutes it took before. And I have hella cold cranking amps now. Like seven billion cold cranking amps.

Is this thing on?

Testing some stuff.

UPDATE: Hmm. Blog stuff is on the home server now, instead of blogspot.com, but archive pages for June and July are nowhere to be found. Uh oh.

RE-EDIT: Fixed~!

RE-RE-RE-RE EDIT: Huh. The other two blogs can only be set to upload to websurfnicaragua.com if I get rid of all the extra little crap Blogger lets you put on there. Guess those'll remain external.

The date on the spinach can had kind of rubbed off

I'm pretty sure it said April 2009.

But if I die tonight, it said April 2005.

Current status

Went to the gym last night - Back down to 210, which is pretty good, considering I've been eating nothing but crap lately. Also, on the bench machine thingy, got 255 up five times, and started feeling all huge. Then, I looked across the room and saw some dude doing many more reps of 315, and suddenly felt much less huge. And I'm not sure what's been going on in Norman, Oklahoma, but on the way home, the freaking ghetto bird was flying around. Huh.

This morning, a random neighbor showed up asking to borrow my plunger. It really sucked, because my plunger broke the other day, and that's totally something you tell a guy when you just don't want to deal with him, rather than actually having a broken plunger. I need to get a new plunger-head tomorrow.

Also, realizing that my stupid football card addiction was costing too much money, I've decided to stop buying so much stuff and start trading with other addicts online. So far, I've done two, getting a pretty cool Muhsin Muhammad for a relatively equally cool Vince Young a couple months ago, and tomorrow, I'm mailing off a package of stuff that includes such luminaries as Brodrick Bunkley and Brandon Lloyd to a dude trying to put together a set who's supposed to be sending me three $8 Walter Paytons and a $10 Brian Urlacher in exchange. Pretty nice. The Moose-for-Young trade was probably a pretty dumb move, book-value wise, since the Vince can go nowhere but up and the Moose can go nowhere but down, but hey, I traded a Vince Young card that there are probably thousands of with a little piece of a jersey that wasn't used in an actual game for a Muhsin Muhamad serial numbered out of fifty with a piece of an actual game-used jersey that's as big as my head. Works for me.

Also, here is this:

So I just got a credit card

Yeah, finally did it. Did okay, too, with a $2,000 limit, a 9.9% APR, and no interest until February. Basically, it's my sinister plan to pay this computer off at 0.0 percent interest, instead of the 29.9 that I'm paying now, because Dell were the only people on Earth to give me credit previously. Aside from that, I'm not really planning on ever using it, aside from maybe being the "oh crap, terrorists just slashed my tires and stole my battery" emergency fund. Well, that, and like maybe some huge plasma TVs, plane tickets to foreign lands, and one of those big diamond grills for my teeth.
Actually, I'm just joking about the TVs, plane trips, and grills.

OR AM I!?

Seriously, though, I'm kind of glad I never had a credit card when I had my old, rapidly deteriorating 280Z. Because I'd still be driving around in my wonderful car, but I'd probably be about $20 grand in debt by now, with about five-thousand of that going toward burned out alternators alone.

The Iron Man Movie is going to rule.

Oh man.

This movie is going to rule so hard that I left "to" out of the post's title at first.

Free Cable Memorial SONG OF THE DAY

Black Flag - "TV Party"

TV party tonight!
TV party tonight!
TV party tonight!
TV party tonight!

We're gonna have a TV party tonight
All right!
We're gonna have a TV party all right
Tonight!

We've got nothing better to do,
than watch TV and have a couple of brews

Everybody's gonna hang out here tonight
All right!
We'll pass out on the couch all right
Tonight!

We've got nothing better to do,
than watch TV and have a couple of brews
Don't talk about anything else, we don't wanna know
We're dedicated to our favorite shows

That's Incredible!
Hill Street Blues!
Dallas!
Fridays!

We sit glued to the TV set all night
And every night!
Why go into the outside world at all
Its such a fright!

We've got nothing better to do,
than watch TV and have a couple of brews

TV really shows what its like out there
Its a scare!
You can go out if you want
We wouldn't dare!

We've got nothing better to do,
than watch TV and have a couple of brews
Don't talk about anything else, we don't wanna know
We're dedicated to our favorite shows

Saturday Night Live!
Monday Night Football!
Jeffersons!
Vegas!

I wouldn't be without my TV for a day
Or even a minute!
Don't even bother to use my brain any more
There's nothing left in it!

We've got nothing better to do,
than watch TV and have a couple of brews

Hey wait a minute, my TV doesn't work
Its broken!
What are we gonna do tonight, this isn't fair
We're hurting!

We've got nothing better to do,
than watch TV and have a couple of brews
What're we gonna talk about, I don't know
(We're gonna miss our favorite shows!

No That's Incredible!
No Monday Night Football!
No Jeffersons!
No Fridays!

No TV party tonight

Olin Kreutz, the Gift that Keeps on Giving

If you're weirdly obsessed enough to remember this post from Christmas last year, you'll know that I like to accumulate stupid pieces of cardboard, often times with Chicago Bears on them. So what with yesterday being my birthday and all, I went on a MASSIVE $13 Ebay spending spree, and ended up with this, that came in today:



Awwwwesome. Another card with a piece of a Pro Bowl jersey attached, his only officially autographed card, and at a $35 book value, it's his most valuable card. And the autograph is directly on the card, instead of the way they'll have a dude sign a sticker to put on the card these days, so that means that the hand that broke Fred Miller's jaw has held this card. Woah.

R.I.P. Free Cable TV

You were too beautiful for this world, free cable.

If I had known the Cox dude outside this morning was unhooking the stuff they were accidentally giving me for free, I would have stabbed him. Or like pushed him over or something.

Life Lessons

I just spent five minutes whacking a votive candle holder with the sharp end of a screwdriver until it was broken into small enough pieces for me to remove it from the place where it had gotten lodged in my toilet. I now know to always close the lid and to not place small objects too close to the edge of the shelf.

Happy 'Merica Day

So... Chris Benoit....

Sunday, he was supposed to wrestle CM Punk for the ECW title on pay per view and it was like the internet wrestling nerd's dream and all.
Today, he's a dead, child-killing murderer. So, uh... yeah.

aaaawesome

Even though he's got a season-ending injury and was given an injury settlement and stuff like that, J.D. Runnels cleared waivers, so he's still going to be a Chicago Bear.

How can this be?

Okay. For most of the last month, my knee was all screwed up. It still is, but just not as bad. This meant I couldn't go to the gym or do any physical activity that meant moving fast. Also, I was really broke. Like catastrophically broke, so my eating habits changed to whatever was cheap and/or on sale. So my diet consisted mainly of bologna and powder/pasta based food for the first time in a while. So I remained completely motionless for a month, while shoveling bullshit down my mouth. And yesterday, I finally make it back to the gym, and when I weighed myself, totally prepared for the horror... I had lost eight pounds.

What.

I still have a fish tank

Yet still only one fish. But you know those little $2 packs of plant bulbs you get at Wal Mart that never grow?
Well, mine did!

Kiss my ass, plastic plants! Ha! And here's a close-up of my amzingly still-not-dead rubber lipped plecostomus.


I really should come up with a name for him, but I never officially named my cat, so that would just seem backwards. I shouldn't have wasted Kellen Winslow III on that guppy, probably. And that little brown rock looking thing next to the fake jaguar skull is a lily bulb that started to sprout, but never finished. I should probably scoop that out of there, because if it ever starts growing for real, the tank'll be completely choked with greenery.

I think I'm going to start watching wrestling on a regular basis again

That was the most amazing thing ever in the history of television.

R.I.P. Big Ol' TV

Well, the ancient 25-inch Panasonic console TV I sort of inherited from my brother finally died last week, and I just interred it to its final resting place. It is survived by the 13-inch Magnavox that will take its place for the time being, as well as the 19-inch Sceptre LCD monitor I'll probably do most of my DVD watching on. Services were held at the dumpster out by the street, and in lieu of flowers, donations of new HDTVs can be made.

SONG OF THE D-DAY

Iron Maiden - "The Longest Day"

In the gloom the gathering storm abates
In the ships gimlet eyes await
The call to arms to hammer at the gates
To blow them wide throw evil to its fate

All summers long the drills to build the machine
To turn men from flesh and blood to steel
From paper soldiers to bodies on the beach
From summer sands to armageddon's reach

Overlord, your master not your god
The enemy coast dawning grey with scud
These wretched souls puking, shaking fear
To take a bullet for those who sent them here

The world's alight, the cliffs erupt in flame
No escape, remorseless shrapnel rains
Drowning men no chance for a warrior's fate
A choking death enter hell's gate

Sliding we go, only fear on our side
To the edge of the wire,
and we rush with the tide
Oh the water is red,
with the blood of the dead
But I'm still alive, pray to God I survive

How long on this longest day
'Til we finally make it through
How long on this longest day
'Til we finally make it through

The rising dead, faces bloated torn
They are relieved, the living wait their turn
Your number's up, the bullet's got your name
You still go on, to hell and back again

Valhalla waits, Valkyries rise and fall
The warrior tombs, lie open for us all
A ghostly hand reaches through the veil
Blood and sand, we will prevail

Sliding we go, only fear on our side
To the edge of the wire,
and we rush with the tide
Oh the water is red,
with the blood of the dead
But I'm still alive, pray to God I survive

How long on this longest day
'Til we finally make it through
How long on this longest day
'Til we finally make it through
(repeats)

Tales of finance

Here's how it worked out: In most months, I get paid twice, on every other Thursday. However, in May, the stars aligned for there to be an extra Thursday, and a third paycheck. That's good. But, like I always do, I forgot that you don't feel the effects of the third one until the next month, and did a bunch of stuff I should have held off on, screwed up really bad on the checkbook-balancing, and figured out that I'd have about nine dollars to last me until the fifteenth. That's bad. Very bad. HOWEVER, I just discovered a SECOND screw-up which revealed that about 24 dollars worth of bills had already been paid, meaning, the total was closer to thirty-three that I have. Also, I'm staring at a big plastic cup full of coins that I'm pretty sure is worth around $20 as soon as I find a CoinStar thingy. Tonight, I dine on food that didn't come in powdered form, motherfucker. Also, as a result of having to squeeze two checks worth of monthly bills onto one, this means I have hella breathing room next time I get paid, (nothing left but car insurance and a bizarrely small electric bill) which will actually be a check that's about $300 heavier than usual, thanks to holidays and quarterly bonuses. Sometimes, things work out nicely.

I just realized

That this is becoming some sort of personal injury blog. This is not a good thing.

From bad to worse

Bad: Screwing up my knee somehow, in such a manner that I've been having to wear one of those cheapo $14 knee brace things at work to keep from twisting it and have been putting ice on it and generously applying globs of generic Wal~Mart brand Ben-Gay stuff to it.

Worse: Getting said generic Ben-Gay stuff IN MY EYE. Seriously, this reminds me of the bit from that Cheech & Chong album where Chong is all talking about the dude poking himself in the eye with a coke spoon and having his eye "frozen open." It's like smelling salts for the eye.

AAAHHHHHH I CAN SEE FOREVER

my body is at war with itself

I was just headed to take a shower, since I'm a weirdo who doesn't take showers at a decent hour, and on the way there, something on the floor just sliced the hell out of my toe. Like there's a flap of skin and it was actually dripping blood, and when I set my foot down in the shower, it was like a miniature recreation of the big red splash from when Tony Montana gets shotgunned and falls into the fountain. I'm pretty sure it's bad enough that any right-thinking person might consider getting stitches, but DAMMIT, I'M A MAN, so I just hit it with peroxide and band aids. But oh yeah, what was the sharp object laying in the floor that devastated my toe? A fucking fingernail clipping.

My fingers hate my toes.

Holy crap, Rambo IV

Oh man. For the record, you might not want to start the video if you're at work or something, because HOLY SHITTING FUCKBURGERS, THAT IS THE MOST VIOLENT CRAP I'VE EVER SEEN. This is going to be the best movie anyone's ever made, but I'm starting to wonder if they'll have to cut some stuff out to avoid an NC-17 rating.

After Rocky Balboa and seeing this, I kind of want Stallone to just resurrect every movie he was ever in during the 1980s to make a sequel. If Over the Top II ever happened, it would be so awesome that it could possibly end people's lives.

I'm not sure why I own a cinderblock

But I am very skilled at bumping into it and tearing my kneecap open.

oh word?

The Bears are moving Devin Hester to offense.

What the crap

There's actually a town called Knockemstiff, Ohio.

Internet piracy saves the day again

Since I had to get a new computer (again) money's going to be tight for a while. (again) And my discovery that I've been getting free cable for no reason has also led to the discovery that there's still nothing on TV. (Although putting the History Channel and finding out all the whacky methods they used to kill Confederates and Hitler-dudes back in the day is okay sometimes.) So as a money-saving measure, I've forsaken the used DVD racks at Hastings and returned to the old ways of finding my entertainment in free and highly illegal ways. Ahh. Anyway, here's a brief rundown of the crap I've acquired lately:

Jurrassic Park Trilogy - All three movies, and I've never seen the third one, so it'll be a bonus, once I get around to watching it. But I think that's the one where they pretty much made up a new dinosaur to be badder than the T-Rex, so until further notice, fuck Jurrassic Park 3 preemptively. The Tyrannosaurus is king of animals, and even Spielberg cannot change that. I was willing to let the velociraptor thing slide, (the Hollywood version was more like a deinonychus [that's a different dinosaur, and I'm a nerd] crossed with some cyborg ninjas than a little piddly-ass velociraptor) but you don't besmirch Tyrannosaurs that way.

American Hardcore - Documentary someone made not too long about about the hardcore punk scene from the early 80s, back before "hardcore punk" meant "bad heavy metal played by short-haired dudes singing about unity." It was good enough to almost make me want to try to like Black Flag again, which says a lot. Highlights include the dude from TSOL casually mentioning being a grave-robber back in the day with no further explanation, that Moby dude talking about singing for this one band followed immediately by other band members saying it never happened, and the fact that Ian MacKaye somehow looks exactly the same as he did in 1982.

Heavy Metal Parking Lot - Short little documentary shot from the parking lot outside a Judas Priest concert back in the day, consisting of brief interviews with concert goers. It will make you ashamed to have ever listened to Judas Priest, any sort of heavy metal, or any other form of music made by man, but it's still hilarious. Oh, and you can watch it here.

GWAR - Phallus in Wonderland - 1992 movie by your favorite monster costume-clad shock rock band, GWAR. I haven't really watched it yet, but a quick skim through it seems to indicate that it's a bunch of music videos from the America Must Be Destroyed album, with interludes of goofy, retarded crap in between. And oh yeah, this was nominated for a Grammy and based (loosely, obviously) on a true story. Wow.

The Decline of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years - Another music-type documentary, this one being a sequel to another one that probably had a lot of the people from American Hardcore in it, now that I think about it. Anyway, haven't watched this yet either, but I'm pretty sure it's got a bunch of 80s glam rock bands in it, along with a bunch of Megadeth stuff. Should be okay.

An Evening With Kevin Smith 2: Evening Harder - Man, the first one of these was hilarious, but much like pretty much everything else Kevin Smith is involved with (I'm still bitter about Clerks II) this blew really, really hard. Basically, it's like three hours of Kevin Smith answering questions about the first Evening With Kevin Smith DVD, occasionally interrupted by him still trying to convince people that his wife is as hot as he thinks she is. Also, despite the fact that all of this was filmed in the 21st century, half of it has Smith STILL sporting some sort of crew cut mullet haircut disaster.

The Bill Cosby Collection - The greatest thing I've ever found on the internet. Essentially a file folder with about TWENTY Bill Cosby albums in MP3 format. This alone is why they started the internet.

Web Surf Nicaragua Colon Song Tune of the Day for Browsers

Mastodon - "Cut You Up With a Linoleum Knife"

Don't talk, watch!
Don't talk, watch!
You came here, watch it!
Don't like it? Walk out!
We still have all your fucking money!

Do not nudge, kick or jiggle the seat in front of you.
I'm sitting there!
I am everywhere at once
and I will cut you up.

If you make out here,
I will cut your lips and tongue
from your head
with a linoleum knife.

Do not explain the plot.
If you don't understand, then you should not be here.
Your money is our money
and we will spend it on drugs.

Do not crinkle your food wrappers loudly.
Be considerate to others,
or I will bite your torso
and give you a disease.

Did you bring your baby?
Babies don't watch this.
Take the seed outside. Leave it in the streets.
Run over it after the show.

If I see you videotaping this movie,
Satan will rain down your throat with hot acid
and dissolve your testicles
and turn your guts into snakes.

This is copyrighted movie for Time Warner.
If I find that you've sold it on eBay,
I will break into your house
and tear your wife in half.

Dell Dimension Trials and Tribulations

With major system upgrades comes major problems, like how moving up to XP in 2002 left me without a scanner or a cheap, shitty digital camera. So far, here have been the issues I've had to deal with: (WARNING: If you're normal enough a human to not know stuff about computers, this is all going to be a bunch of nonsense)

• Had to download new drivers for my printer. No big deal at all, except for the fact that HP's download servers are slow enough to take an hour to send me a file that would take less than twenty seconds to get from anywhere else.
  
• Onboard graphics have no DVI connection, meaning I have to hook up the monitor with a VGA cord. Only available VGA cord is horrible and unshielded, meaning everything is all ghosted, like cable TV that's being stolen from a neighbor or something. I could have sworn I had a better cord somewhere, but apparently not.
• Old graphics card, (ATI Radeon 9250, for the record) despite not being as good chipset-wise as the onboard GeForce 6, has more video RAM and a DVI connection, so it would be something cool to use until I find a real VGA cord. The problem? Despite being fully able to run DirectX 9, it's still somehow totally incompatible with Windows Vista. Basically, it would work, but the Windows Aero theme wouldn't be available. And Windows Aero is basically the main difference between Vista and XP. D'oh.
• Hey, the new computer uses SATA connection type stuff to hook up disk drives, instead of IDE, which works a lot better. The problem? My old (as in maybe six months old) DVD-RW drive is IDE, meaning it's useless to me now. Not too big a problem, since this computer came with one, but I lose LightScribe functionality that the other drive has. (That's the thing where you can flip the disk over to the label side and basically burn a picture on there) So, uhh, anyone who wants a DVD-RW drive that can do LightScribe and about 15 or so LightScribe CDR disks can make me and offer or something.
• PS2 connections are old as hell and outmoded by USB 2.0, which is the new hotness, at least as long as FireWire never really catches on. So this computer got rid of the standard PS2 mouse and keyboard connections in the back, making USB the only option. No big deal, seeing as how my mouse was USB and a new USB keyboard came with this thing. Oh, except they didn't think to add more USB slots when they got rid of the other stuff, meaning I effectively go from six available slots to four. And between a mouse, a keyboard, a video game controller, a printer, an external hard drive, the external DVD burner I use to capture videos with, and assorted other cameras, MP3 players, and bullshit like that, I have something like ten things that need a USB slot to connect to the computer, and of those things, six are pretty much never disconnected. So I had to steal back the old USB hub thingy I bought to put in my old, ancient computer that only had USB 1.0 and then gave to my brother, whose computer had similar problems. So that problem's solved, giving me a total of ten slots, not including the bizarre, useless one that's housed inside the computer. But now, I only have one remaining PCI slot (old school PCI, not PCI Express) for internal-type expansion.
• I've only ever used Windows Media Player for audio and video files, and I've never had any complaints with it. But with the new and improved Windows Media Player 11, (exclusive to Vista, oooooh) videos slow down for the first few seconds, and MP3s start cutting out toward the end of the song. Also, if you've got a playlist and want to skip to the next track, it takes like ten seconds to do so, when it happened instantly before. So ITunes is looking really good right now, and I usualy hate Apple stuff. (Seriously, fuck Quicktime.)

Yeah, Technology's Gay.

Ahhhhhhh

Well, I'm in close to 800 bucks of debt right now, which means eating tuna and noodles for a month or two in the hopes of paying this thing off before interest kicks in, but I've got a PC that works now, and there is hella-computing going on right now. It's not the one I really wanted, (which was way better and would have been about $100 less, but I couldn't get that one because I didn't want to wait another month of saving up money, because Dell seems to be the only place willing to give credit to people who actually pay stuff off quickly...) but it's still a huge upgrade. I go from a fairly robust 3.0 GHz Pentium 4 to a freaking sweet dual core AMD processor running at the equivalent of about 4.4, and the available memory has quadrupled from 512MB to 2 gigs. Nice. There are some problems though, like the graphics card. It's a GeForce 6 series, which is way better chipset-wise than what I had, (the $65 Wal Mart card) but it has half the video RAM (64) of what I used to have, and there's no DVI input, so I have to run to Best Buy to try and find a VGA cord for my good monitor, so I can stop using this blurry, eight year old one. Also, contrary to my fears, Windows Vista seems fairly sweet so far. I like having stuff like headlines, notepads, and local weather on my desktop without having to be slowed down by massive spyware to do so. And it looks all pretty and stuff. Aww. But yeah, this monitor is killing my eyes, so I better head out before the place closes. Later, jerks.

Soon.

New computer has been ordered. I am in debt again and old computer is now my brother's problem. Updates to come... Soon.

DOES NOT COMPUTE

Stupid hard drive. Stupid Microsoft.

In other music news

I have decided that Mastodon ("Mastadon") has surpassed Metallica, ("Mettalica") Megadeth, ("Megadeath") Emperor, ("Emporer") and Cannibal Corpse ("Cannible Corps," among other spellings) as the current leader in highly-misspelled heavy metal bands.

This is happening like an hour or so away from my house, and it frightens me greatly

ROCKLAHOMA~!

A three (3) day festival, featuring the following:

Poison
Ratt
Vince Neil
Warrant
Slaughter
Quiet Riot
Winger
Dokken
Jackyl
Faster Pussycat
Enuff Z'Nuff
Steelheart
36 Inches
Y&T
Firehouse
Bulletboys
Bang Tango
Great White

On one hand, this is like the AIDS of music to me, but on the other, if I went, I could have the once-in-a-lifetime chance to throw things at members of Great White.

another stupid chicago bear post

Over at the Bears Official Website, they have this thing where this dude, Larry Mayer, answers questions from fans. In the latest edition, someone asks if the Bears are interested in signing David Carr, to which he replied

"David Carr wouldn’t be an upgrade over either Rex Grossman or Brian Griese, so I don’t see any way that the Bears would be interested in signing him."

Um. Here, let me break this down for you: Granted, Carr had a losing record last year, and the threw one more interception (11) than he did touchdowns (12), while Grossman won a bunch of games and threw three more touchdowns (23) than interceptions (20). But here's the thing that kind of skews those numbers: Rex Grossman played for what was an otherwise Super Bowl-caliber team in the NFC, where every other team sucks. And Carr played in the AFC. AND HE PLAYED FOR THE TEXANS. You could take a 25 year old Joe Montana, feed him steroids, and make him drink from the Holy Grail like they did in the one Indiana Jones movie, and he would STILL be able to do not a damn thing. He was sacked forty-one times to Sexy Rexie's 21, yet still managed to complete 68.3 percent of his passes to Rex's 54.6, and had an actual decent QB rating of 82.1, which was way better than Rex's 73.9. He also only accounted for 19 turnovers (12 picks, 7 lost fumbles) to Rex's 29. And the kicker? David Carr didn't single-handedly lose the Super Bowl last year. David Carr sucks because he's a good - possibly great - QB playing for a team stupid enough to draft Mario Williams last year, when they could have traded that pick to any of the 31 other teams who would have mortgaged their teams to have Reggie Bush, used the players/picks/first-born children they got in return to build an offensive line and win some games. Rex Grossman sucks because he just fucking sucks. The Texans sucked and dragged David Carr down with them. The Bears won a bunch of games, and they did it in spite of Rex Grossman.

I'm calling it right now. By this time next year, all the columnists and commentators will be applauding some team (probably the Vikings) for being smart enough to pick up a franchise QB like Carr, after he has a breakout year. Meanwhile, Rex Grossman will just be hoping to catch on somewhere as a backup, in a Joey Harrington/Patrick Ramsey "this is his last chance, seriously" situation. And the Bears will still need a starting QB, which is essentially something they've been looking for since Sid Freaking Luckman retired.

Also, they'll be looking to draft a running back, but that's a rant for another day. 2007 is going to be a looooong year.

I spend money sometimes.

Whenever a Bears player I like gets traded or signed by another team, (which is usually the case) I always start checking places like NFL Shop to see if that guy's jersey has gotten cheap yet. That's how I picked up $75 Anthony Thomas and Marcus Robinson jerseys for $20 apiece. Well, the bottom hasn't fallen out of Thomas Jones jerseys yet, but it has fallen out of Super Bowl XLI jerseys. So for about 50 bucks less than what it should have cost, I managed to pick up a reminder (in the incorrect color, no less) of the day the Bears sucked and the guy who got traded as his reward for not sucking. I love this game.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: FUCKING DEAD

Oh yeah, spoiler warning.

Heh.

Tremendous.

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Officials detained an Iraqi man during a security scare at Los Angeles International airport on Tuesday but said a suspicious object found in a body cavity search did not pose a threat.

The man, identified by law enforcement officials as Fadhel al-Maliki, 35, was detained at passenger screening at the airport just before 6 a.m. on Tuesday morning.

The bomb squad was called as a precaution and authorities said they found wires in his clothing and a magnet inside a lower body cavity.

The man was preparing to board a US Airways flight to Philadelphia. The flight left without the passenger but with his luggage aboard. It made an unscheduled landing in Las Vegas where the plane was thoroughly searched but nothing was found.

So... A dude from the Middle East has suspicious looking wires on him and a magnet up his ass. Could be a terrorist; could just be a guy who really, reeeally loves magnets. But just to be on the safe side, you detain him. Okay, sounds like a solid plan. After all, the guy could have made a bomb with something... Something with other bomb parts... That were in his luggage... His luggage... That's still on the fucking plane.

There's a lesson to be learned here, and that lesson is that if you want to explode a bunch of people in L.A., just pop a random suspicious object up your poo-hole, and you won't have to actually be on the plane when your fat sack of bombs you smuggled on there goes off.

R.I.P. BAD NEWS BROWN

Man, God is taking the fucking boots to my childhood lately.

Here's a clip from back when wrestling didn't suck:

NOOOOOOO :(

Thomas Jones traded to the Jets

Lance Briggs demands to be traded, too

The hurting never stops.

YAY

Chicago Bears stop being assholes, give Lovie Smith his money.

Now, if they would only stop being assholes to Thomas Jones and Lance Briggs.

I trust in heaven, and I'm already there, motherfucker

Cracked.com: The Seven Most Insane Moments From Cable Access TV

This is today's version of the greatest thing I've ever seen, in case you've got about an hour to kill. Discover the horrors of rogue helicopter pilots, the worst Janet Jackson cover possible, a guy calling you a bitch for not loving Jesus, and a guy who combines jogging, painting, and making blended drinks, like I'm sure we've all done before. I still haven't watched #1 yet, though, partially because it's thirty minutes long, and partially because I'm not mentally, emotionally, or spiritually prepared to face such a task.

I remember the days when Cracked was just a retarded, unfunny version of Mad Magazine for ten year olds, and it's weird to see them being a thousand times better than Mad at this point.

someone buy this for me.

Because I must have this, yet can't justify $100 for a shirt.

I just spent ten bucks on Ebay and got this

DOUG MOTHERFUCKING ATKINS

Mike Awesome, 1965-2007

Christ, ANOTHER one. Apparent, suicide, too. Just when you think that wrestlers are dropping like flies, they start going faster and faster.

CHICAGO BEAR OF THE DAY

RON RIVERA

SONG OF THE DAY

Turbonegro - "Bad Mongo"

He's been waiting for so long
Singing that same old institution song
A humanoid shape in the dense of night
Bad Mongo got a very big knife

Run back home and lock the door
The streets ain't safe no more
Wild eyes and a dribbling tongue
He likes murder and he likes wrong

Bad Mongo - gonna kick you in the face
Bad Mongo - gonna schtompf you in the eye
Bad Mongo - gonna make you crawl and beg
Before he makes you die

A 'fuck the world' tattoo on his arm
Thee Iron Cross is his lucky charm
From the institution with an axe in his hand
A genetic nightmare
It's the Bad Mongo man

Run back home and lock the door
The streets ain't safe no more
Wild eyes and a dribbling tongue
He likes murder and he likes wrong

Bad Mongo - gonna kick you in the face
Bad Mongo - gonna schtompf you in the eye
Bad Mongo - gonna make you crawl and beg
Before he makes you die

Bad Mongo - is gonna stab you in the foot
Bad Mongo - he's gonna kill you in the face
Bad Mongo - is gonna destroy
Bad Mongo - the human race
Bad Mongo

DO NOT WANT

(Might want to turn the volume down)

Also

Having really dry skin on my hands and elbows sucks really bad, because I always have a bottle of lotion at my desk, and that seriously just doesn't look right.

I might be dying

Over the last month, I haven't gone to the gym, and I've been hella munching on ribs and pizzas and Taco Bells and junk and stuff, and somehow through all of this, I've lost like six pounds.

TAPEWORMS ARE EATING ME.

HAPPY VALENTINE DAYS

on a more positive note.

WHAT IN THE EVERLASTING NAME OF HELLING DAMNING SHIT IS GOING ON HERE

AAAAARRRRRGGGHHHH



AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHH

I have no idea what this picture means or where it came from

But it's probably the funniest thing I'll ever see:

$ONG OF THE DAY

The Beatles - "Taxman"

Let me tell you how it will be,
There’s one for you, nineteen for me,
‘Cos I’m the Taxman,
Yeah, I’m the Taxman.
Should five per cent appear too small,
Be thankful I don’t take it all,
‘Cos I’m the Taxman,
Yeah, I’m the Taxman.
If you drive a car, I’ll tax the street,
If you try to sit, I’ll tax your seat,
If you get too cold, I’ll tax the heat,
If you take a walk, I’ll tax your feet.
Taxman.
‘Cos I’m the Taxman,
Yeah, I’m the Taxman.
Don’t ask me what I want it for
(Taxman Mister Wilson)
If you don’t want to pay some more
(Taxman Mister Heath),
‘Cos I’m the Taxman,
Yeah, I’m the Taxman.
Now my advice for those who die,
Declare the pennies on your eyes,
‘Cos I’m the Taxman,
Yeah, I’m the Taxman.
And you’re working for no-one but me,
Taxman.

Hey, if you think your W4 might possibly be wrong...

...You really should have fixed the stupid thing before it got out of hand.

Just did my taxes, and after a W4 screw-up I had forgotten about, the results really kinda sucked. Basically, I had myself down on the withholding thing as having two deductions (Which is hella totally wrong, and I knew it was hella totally wrong, yet that's you come out with if you actually follow the directions, instead of just being non-stupid and typing in a 1.) so things got all screwed up. I had, however, held out an extra $10 federal per check, (Can't remember why I did that, but it worked out okay, I suppose.) so federally, it wasn't too bad. In the end, even with added capital gains taxes ($ HIGH-ROLLA $) from them selling my grandmother's house, I owed the feds twelve bucks. Eh, not too bad. State, though? Well, as soon as I hear back from the place I E-filed with to confirm that everything got filed right, I owe the state of Oklahoma three-hundred and six dollars. God dammity damn. The sad part of all this being that I KNEW I had screwed that form up like ninety years ago and never got around to changing it. Oh well. I've got the money for it, so everything's cool, and with all this out of the way, I'll know exactly how much freed-up money I have, so I can possibly stop putting off the repair of my "holy crap, it could die at any second, keep it under 60 mph" car. Of course, I've had the money to do that forever now, and I still haven't done that, for some reason.
I think the point I'm trying to make with this blog post is that I'm a gigantic dumbass.

Also, I need a new printer. I came to this conclusion while spending like an hour wrestling with the stupid thing, trying to print out the file copy of my return, before realizing I could just save the PDF file to my computer. I like the scanner part of this Lexmark I have, but the printing part leaves much to be desired. There's some crazy design flaw in these things that makes the ink cartridges get clogged up and dried up, so basically, every few months when I need to print something, I have to buy new cartridges. And no, running the cartridge cleaning program or even taking alcohol-dipped Q-Tips to the damn things doesn't work, either. But yeah, I've now had like four sets of ink cartridges in this thing now, which is sad, considering that this is in a period of about three years and maybe fifty pages printed. For the price of all that ink, I could have just gotten a real printer. I need to go back to an HP. The computer of theirs I had was fairly nightmarish, but the HP printer I had was wonderful. I mean, it was from 1998 or so and printed like two pages an hour, but the thing was reliable as hell. Actually, I'm pretty sure my brother still has it, and it still works, so I oughtta see if he's not using it anymore, and just use it as my printer and the Lexmark as my scanner. Eh, but that would be a reason to not buy new stuff, and no one wants that. I should go check things out tomorrow. Or hell, Target and Wal Mart are 24 hour places, so I might do that tonight. I wonder if I should just keep this as my scanner and just get a cheapo one that only prints, though. It would save money, but it would also take up a lot of space and probably eat up way more computer resources. On that note, I really need to think about buying more RAM someday. Eh, but what can you do.

Anyway, in summary, I'm way stupid, Lexmark makes good scanners and crappy printers, and it's a shame that you can't separate the two once you've bought a printer/scanner.

Also, fuck a government, and the fact that people get all stoked over a refund, acting like it's free money someone's generously decided to give you, when all that means is that the government had taken more than they were supposed to, and that's money you should have had like six months earlier, when you really could have used another fifty bucks for electric bills or whatever. On the other hand, the refund you get back is also money you'll probably need when you're fifty bucks short on the electric bill again six months from now, after you spent it all on a Playstation 3 or some fancy chrome rims or something a day after you got the check, so maybe you get what you deserve on some level.

At least I'm not the only dumbass out there.

Robocop Haiku

O.C.P. head guy:
"Old Detroit has a cancer
The cancer is crime"

Put down your weapon
Twenty seconds to comply
You call this a glitch!?

Robbery gone bad
You burnt the fuckin' money!
Can you fly, Bobby?

Na na na na na
Na na na na na na BOOM
Does it hurt, sweet prince?

A new guy in town
End to crime in forty days
His name's Robocop

You've crossed Line of Death
Pakistan threatens border
By Butler Brothers

Serve the public trust
And protect the innocent
Uphold the law, too.

Ironbutt, boner
Once, even called him asshole.
He's a sweet old man

On every TV
"I'll buy that for a dollar"
The hell does that mean?

I killed Bob Morton
Because he made a mistake
Erase mistakes now

Ooh, guns, guns, guns, guns
Tigers are playing tonight
Never miss a game

I got protection
I work for Dick Jones! Dick Jones!
Yes, I am a cop.

You're pretty smart, huh?
Think you can outsmart a bullet?
You're dead! We killed you!

What are the charges?
Gimme my fuckin' phone call.
He's a copkiller

Got an S.U.X.
Still got the sticker on it
Just like yours, Clarence

Free society
Except there ain't nothing free
Law of the jungle.

Murphy, I'm a mess
Don't worry, they will fix you
They fix everything

Songerio of the Day

Pitboss 2000 - "Banerio"

Let's be honest, simple and plain
No one's as ugly as the singer from Bane
Bucked ass teeth, the color of toffee
You should use Crest instead of gargling with coffee
I look at you and it hurts my eyes
You look like you've been bobbing for french fries
Crumb cake complexion, busted as hell
Is that your teeth, or is your tongue just in jail?
You might get mad, and you'll wanna' smack me
But don't hate me, hate your abundance of acne
So, I hear you have game
How... who knows?
Proof positive
Scene points pull hoes

You know what I could go for? Some faggots, that's what.

"The great British faggot is full of flavour and a great belly warmer at this time of year."
Just read the article.

Oh hey, they cured AIDS

Okay, not really.

President's 'HIV cure' condemned

President Jammeh, who says he can also cure asthma, made his announcement to a gathering of foreign diplomats last month.

"I can treat asthma and HIV/Aids... Within three days the person should be tested again and I can tell you that he/she will be negative," he said in a statement.

"I am not a witch doctor and in fact you cannot have a witch doctor. You are either a witch or a doctor."

That last sentence has quite possibly blown my mind on some level. But maybe we'll try to one-up Gambia by announcing that George W. Bush found a way to cure prostate cancer, using a compound made of Diet Mountain Dew and that salt that goes in ice cream makers.

THE FURY OF BEES

(copyright 2004 Andrew B. Ulous)

CHICAGO BEARS OF THE DAY

Thomas Jones and Muhsin Muhammad

CONGRATULATIONS TO THE 2007 NFL WORLD CHAMPION CHICAGO BEARS

ESPECIALLY TO MVP REX GROSSMAN, WHO THREW FOR OVER 300 YARDS WITH THREE TOUCHDOWNS AND NO INTERCEPTIONS.

Finish

A little over two hours till the kickoff I've been waiting for for 21 years. Holy crap.

Hey Pro Football Hall of Fame...

Fuck you.