CONGRATULATIONS TO THE 2007 NFL WORLD CHAMPION CHICAGO BEARS

ESPECIALLY TO MVP REX GROSSMAN, WHO THREW FOR OVER 300 YARDS WITH THREE TOUCHDOWNS AND NO INTERCEPTIONS.

Finish

A little over two hours till the kickoff I've been waiting for for 21 years. Holy crap.

Hey Pro Football Hall of Fame...

Fuck you.

A fine day of purchasing.

Today, not only did buying two packs of football cards net me three Reggie Bush and Matt Leinart rookies with a total book value of $75, (have you been reading Cardboard Downfall lately?) but I bought some hamburger buns, and in addition to the eight buns regularly included, there was an extra half of a bun inside.

Hey, haven't done a SONG OF THE DAY in a while

The Vacant Lot - "Slept on His Arms Last Night"

They were happy together for oh so many years
Then she walked out and left him
Now all he has is tears
He was drinkin' and drinkin'
And then he'll drink some more
Drink drink, wash room, drink drink, throw up
And he passed out on the floor
Then eighteen hours later, when he finally came to
He tried to pick himself right off the floor
But his limbs, they would not move

'Cause he slept on his arms last night
He has no feeling in his left arm or his right
'Cause he slept on his arms last night
Wishes he hadn't drank so much

He has trouble frying bacon
A hard time playing jacks
Can't take his rectal temperature
Rub Blistex on his cracks
He can't peel bananas
Take medicine for his cough
Wipe his brow, play basketball
Shuck peanuts, or jerk off

'Cause he slept on his arms last night
He has no feeling in his left arm or his right
'Cause he slept on his arms last night
Wishes he could kill himself

There's no way he can hang himself
Or overdose on drugs
Can't push his wheelchair off a cliff
'Cause he ain't got one
Can't start his car in a closed garage
Wrap his head in cellophane
Can't drink a sixth of hemlock
Shove his nose into his brain

'Cause he slept on his arms last night
He has no feeling in his left arm or his right
'Cause he slept on his arms last night
Boy, his ass is itchy.

CARDBOARD DOWNFALL

I figured since I've been doing so much talking and obsessing over stupid little pieces of cardboard lately, I'd go full-tilt and make another blog, just for that kind of stuff. There, I'll share the tales of the last twenty years of wasting my money on this crap, maybe give my opinions on new brands or whatever, and if it's anything like the music review blog I started late last year, it'll start with a flurry of updates, only to scarcely ever get touched again. But yeah. I really need to mess with the sidebar over there to give some sort of updates on when those get updates. But until then, enjoy my CARDBOARD DOWNFALL.

Speaking of selling stuff on Ebay

Hey, remember that weird Metallica CD I mentioned a few months ago?
Almost 40 bucks with five days left. Something tells me it might be a good time to think about selling my copy. Hmm.
On that note, I'm making preparations for the big gamble of Ebaying off some of those cards. For now, I'm just gathering up the stuff and making scans of it for future use. You can check out the ongoing project here. I'm using all the tricks of the trade here, including using colored construction paper backgrounds to better display the conditions of the cards' corners and setting certain ones on top of this plastic file folder I got to filter out some of the light to make foil parts more visible. (So far, the Peyton and LT cards) Damn, I'm good.

Man, Ebay

I've been spending too much money on football cards (I'll post more about that tomorrow, when I'm not about to pass out) in the last year, and while the relatively high-dollar cards (for me, at least; I'm one one of the creepy power-collectors who spends the hundreds every month on the stuff required to get the severely valuable stuff) of guys who aren't my favorite players (the "notebook guys;" more on that at a later date) have piled up, it occurred to me that I really ought to try selling some of these off to try and make the 20-year addiction start to pay for itself. But a quick scan across Ebay has shown me that they might not be the way to go to dump off the stack of Vince Youngs and Matt Leinarts that have accumulated. Like I got this card. A Charlie Whitehurst card. And yeah, he's a backup QB and his stuff isn't in high demand, but it's one of those cards that has a chunk of a jersey attached to it. A real jersey that he's even wearing on the front of the card. Everybody wants those jersey cards right now, you know? And the thing books at about six bucks or so, and I figure hell, I might be able to make at least half of that. Well, taking a quick glance across the Whitehurst stuff other people have put up for auction, the picture is freaking grim. It's like a vast sea of jersey cards, autographed cards, and autographed jersey cards, all of which book at way more than the one I have, and they're all going for like a dollar ninety-nine, if anyone's bid at all. And the thing is, it's the same way for cards of guys who people actually want cards of, who aren't scrubs like Charlie fucking Whitehurst. What I want to know is where all these low-bid cards are when it's actually one I would want? How can a Reggie Bush card with authentic autographs from Reggie Bush, Jesus Christ, and The Easter Bunny with a book value of nine-zillion dollars auction for $8.00, when the $3.50 autographed Jim Flanigan card I tried to get once zoomed up to $11.50 by the time I decided that only a retard would pay that much for a card of a lesser-known defensive tackle?

I think what I'm trying to say here is that if there's anyone out there who likes football cards with pieces of jerseys glued to them, I got some Matt Jones, Charlie Whitehurst, Derrick Hagan, and Willis McGahee action I can hook you up with. (For the record, I've also got ones with Olin Kreutz, Anquan Boldin, and Charlie Batch, but I'm keeping those for me.) Also, I think I have like four of that Topps Total Sports Illustrated for Kids Reggie Bush that's worth like eight bucks, but I can't remember where the box is with all of those, so just focus on the jersey cards for now. But yeah, you guys should send me money for those.

I went to Big Lots today

while wearing my Brian Urlacher jersey. There was a dude there in a Dwight Freeney jersey. We exchanged uncomfortable glances.

SONG OF THE DAY

The Chicago Bears Shufflin' Crew - "The Super Bowl Shuffle"

(all)
We are the Bears Shufflin' Crew
Shufflin' on down, doin' it for you
We're so bad, we know we're good
Blowin' your mind like we knew we would
You know we're just struttin' for fun
Struttin' our stuff for everyone
We're not here to start no trouble
We're just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle

(Walter Payton)
Well, they call me Sweetness, and I like to dance
Runnin' the ball is like makin' romance
We had the goal since training camp
To give Chicago a Super Bowl champ
But we're not doin' this because we're greedy,
The Bears are doin' it to feed the needy
We didn't come here to look for trouble,
We just come here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle

(Willie Gault)
This is speedy Willie, and I'm world class1
I like running but I love to get the pass
I practice all day and dance all night
I gotta get ready for the Sunday fight
Now, I'm as smooth as a chocolate swirl
I dance a little funky, so watch me, girl
There's no one here that does it like me
My Super Bowl Shuffle will set you free

(Mike Singletary)
I'm Samurai Mike, I stop 'em cold
Heart of the defense, big and bold
I've been jammin' for quite a while
Doin' what's right and settin' the style
Give me a chance, I'll rock you good
Nobody messin' in my neighborhood
I didn't come here lookin' for trouble,
I just came to do the Super Bowl Shuffle

(all)
We are the Bears Shufflin' Crew
Shufflin' on down, doin' it for you
We're so bad, we know we're good
Blowin' your mind like we knew we would
You know we're just struttin' for fun
Struttin' our stuff for everyone
We're not here to start no trouble
We're just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle

(Jim McMahon)
I'm the punky2 QB known as McMahon
When I hit the turf, I've got no plan
I just throw my body all over the field
I can't dance, but I can throw the pill
I motivate the cats, I like to tease
I play so cool, I aim to please
That's why you all got here, on the double
To catch me doin' the Super Bowl Shuffle

(Otis Wilson)
I'm momma's boy Otis, one of a kind
The ladies all love me for my body and my mind
I'm slick on the floor as I can be
But ain't no sucka gonna get past me
Some guys are jealous of my style and class
That's why some end up on their (whistle)
I didn't come here lookin' for trouble
I'm just gettin' down to the Super Bowl Shuffle

(Steve Fuller)
They say Jimbo is our man
If Jimmy can't do it, I sure can
This is Steve, and it's no wonder,
I run like lightning, pass like thunder
So bring on Atlanta, bring on Dallas
This is for Mike3 and Papa Bear Halas4
But I'm not here to feathers ruffle,
I'm just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle

(Mike Richardson)
I'm L.A. Mike, and I play it cool
They don't sneak by me, cause I'm no fool
I fly on the field and get on down
Everybody knows I don't mess around
I can break em shake em any time of day
I like to steal it and make 'em pay
Please don't try to beat my hustle
Cause I'm just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle

(all)
We are the Bears Shufflin' Crew
Shufflin' on down, doin' it for you
We're so bad, we know we're good
Blowin' your mind like we knew we would
You know we're just struttin' for fun
Struttin' our stuff for everyone
We're not here to start no trouble
We're just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle

(Richard Dent)
The sack man's comin', I'm your man Dent
If a quarterback's slow, he's gonna get bent
We stop the run, we stop the pass
I like to burn fires on your (whistle)
We love to play for the world's best fans
We're gonna start makin' the Super Bowl plan
But don't get ready, or go through any trouble
Unless you practiced the Super Bowl Shuffle

(Gary Fencik )
It's Gary here, and I'm Mister Clean
They call me "hitman," don't know what they mean
They throw it long, and watch me run
I'm on my man, one on one
Buddy's5 guys cover it down to the bone
That's why they call us the 466 zone
Come on everybody, let's scream and yell
We're gonna do the shuffle, then ring your bell

(William Perry)
You're lookin' at the Fridge, I'm the rookie
I may be large, but I'm no dumb cookie
You seen me hit, you seen me run
When I kick and pass, we'll have more fun
I can dance, you will see
The others, they all learn from me
I didn't come here lookin' for trouble
I just came to do the Super Bowl Shuffle

(all)
We are the Bears Shufflin' Crew
Shufflin' on down, doin' it for you
We're so bad, we know we're good
Blowin' your mind like we knew we would
You know we're just struttin' for fun
Struttin' our stuff for everyone
We're not here to start no trouble
We're just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle

CHICAGO BEAR OF THE DAY

REX GROSSMAN

ICE STORM OF THE CENTURY OF THE DAY, DAY THREE

LIGHT SNOW ARRRRGGGHHH

WE DIDN'T LISTEEEENNNNNNNN


This is the lamest Ice Storm of the Century I've ever been a part of. 1994 kept it real, yo.

DEADLY DISASTER

I gained back like four pounds.

Stupid Mississippi.

ICE STORM OF THE CENTURY OF THE DAY 2007, DAY TWO

It's hella-cold, but nothing much else to report. The freezing rain came down as sleet instead, the roads are in this bizarre condition where half of them are just a white sheet, yet you could probably drive 55 miles an hour or like sprint down them on foot all zig-zaggy without slipping. It's weird. I'm about to totally drive across town for no real essential reason; I just got stuff I wanna do over there. That's how much of a non-issue the roads are right now. Also, the main drags have been salted, so there's barely anything on them, anyway. The big stuff hits around 4:00 am, though, and I've got the Pet Taxi (for the cat), a bag of clothing and stuff (for me), and the little container we got egg drop soup in once (for the fish), in case crazy crap happens, and I have to move in with my brother across town. Stupid apartment with nothing that runs on gas. If that happens, I'll have to endure such hardships as fireplaces and giant TVs, but I'll manage somehow.
But yeah, ICE STORM OF THE CENTURY OF THE DAY 2007~! isn't shaping up to be too much right now. I sure hope the Bears don't embarrass themselves tomorrow.

ICE STORM OF THE CENTURY OF THE DAY 2007, DAY ONE

Some sleet fell, and it's cold.

ICE STORM OF THE CENTURY OF THE DAY 2007

WE DIDN'T LISTEN! AAAARRRRGGGHHH
WHO WILL SURVIVE, AND WHAT WILL BE LEFT OF THEM?

Seriously, though, I hope the power stays on, or my final remaining fish is SCREWED.

Man, Coast to Coast AM

Have you ever listened to this before? It's like this late-night/early morning radio show that consists entirely of kooks, crazies, and shut-ins talking about all sorts of insane conspiracy theory / UFO crap, and it is a nightly treasure-trove of unintentional hilarity. Like the time they had two guys debating whether or not human beings were planted on Earth by aliens from outer space, and the guy saying that was total crap was the one the host was treating like an idiot, or how they'd have this "Prophet Yaweh" dude on there who had the power to summon UFOs, and it all had something to do with him being close to Jesus. And the best part is the variety in shows that comes with the program having two different hosts. On weekdays, George Noory is himself a crazy kook shut-in type who gives the impression that he's a True Believer in all the crap on the show, while on the weekends, Art Bell (who was the original full-time host and as close to being a legend as a dude who does a UFO nut radio show can be) gives off the vibe that he's getting too old for this shit and is finally getting sick of working the marks for four hours at a time. Like, say some obviously schizophrenic dude calls in and talks about how he controls the trees outside of his apartment with divine powers. Noory will be all, "That's amazing! Do you feel any sort of other-worldly presence while this is going on?" leading into a thirty minute conversation with the guy that invariably involves him mentioning his own UFO abduction ten times, while Bell will just sort of go, "yeah, good luck with that, buddy," and hang up on him. Occasionally, they'll actually have a serious guest with real shit to say, like Ray Bradbury or George Carlin, (and what he was doing on this show is something I'll never be able to figure out) but usually it's someone like Alex Jones (the guy who's made so much money off 9/11 conspiracy documentaries that you almost have to wonder if he was behind the plot in the first place), David Icke (the dude who thinks pretty much everyone of prominence is a reptillian alien, and has made millions off books-on-tape telling people about it), or this one dude whose name I don't recall who seems quite sane until he tells you how the Great Pyramids and pretty much anything else of any sort of ancient historical importance was done by the Irish. Figure in the way that at least one caller per show seems to live down the street from a very much alive and well Jim Morrison, and you've got an incredibly stupid, yet fun, way to kill some time when you're up late and can't sleep.

Oh hey

Got a phone call a second ago from some debt collection company that I had to call, so they'd stop calling me for something someone else who used to have my phone number owed to someone. But anyway, this made me decide for some reason to go check out my Sallie Mae account, and it turns out that they've written off the last 75 cents or so that I owed them. So I'm finally officially debt free, like totally and completely.
Awwwwwwwwwesome.

HE'S COMING FOR YOU

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Please, God...

Let the playoff loss in a couple weeks finally be the end of the Rex Grossman era in Chicago.

THE GREATEST GIFT OF ALL

THE GIFT OF KREUTZ.

Today Was a Good Day

I found out I'm below 220 pounds for the first time since the 8th grade, ate a steak, watched Over the Top, and got a message board post replied to by Scott "Flash" Norton. Plus, nobody I know got killed in South Central L.A.

Seriously, man.

Before and After

Me in February: 293 lbs.

Me now: 221.

I am awesome.

DAMN THE TORPEDOES

Current Status

Plecostomus still only remaining living fish. He doesn't seem to mind. Not sure if it was that bacteria cycle stuff or what, but the tank has suddenly changed. The water looks a lot clearer, the plecostomus actually comes out in the open during the day for some reason, and algae seems to be growing on everything, thankfully not including the glass. Before, it never would grow on anything, despite the fact that I was constantly dropping the little wafers in there. Also, I gave up on the search and bought new algae wafers, which in addition to being a different brand are also a different color. So maybe now, the new green algae will mix with the old reddish algae that's already there to create some new greenish-red strain of super-algae. Or it could just kill us all, who knows. Hopefully the former.

Have I mentioned

That I love the Bowman brand of football trading cards?

(SpecialgoldcardofJ.D.Runnelsholycrap)

Always taking things from me...

In the last couple days, my algae wafers and bottle of Cycle bacteria crap for the fish tank, as well as a single glove have all disappeared, and a complete tearing-apart of the apartment and the car turned up neither. The only answer is that someone with a key to my apartment has been coming in and taking things. Someone with a fish tank that has an algae-eater inside and who is missing their left hand.
The glove is especially infuriating, though. A while back, like in the summer, I decided, "man, you know what I never have? Decent gloves." So I spent close to twenty bucks on these things. And for me, they were pretty nice. Well, they weren't particularly stylish or even all that attractive, but they were constructed well and really warm as long as you didn't get them wet. Also, at one point or another, Booker T, Goldust, Rey Mysterio Jr., and Sting (Steve Borden, not Gordon Sumner) have all included a pair in their ring attire. And so it finally gets cold, prompting me to finally wear some gloves and have my hands be totally comfortable and warm. And I wear them for like three days and lose one of them, rendering the other one useless, unless I want to be some sort of reverse-color Michael Jackson. The world is so cruel.

Deathride into terror, part 34534534

Well, the ice is off the roads, but I just almost totally died, which is quite common around these parts. A guy in a truck was in the wrong lane, and I almost got hit head-on. The reason he was in the wrong lane?

He was swerving to miss a transvestite.

in lieu of hot chocolate

I am sipping hot tea like no other.

SONG OF THE DAY SUPER SPECIAL

SONGS ABOUT BEING COLDER THAN POOP

Metallica - "Trapped Under Ice"

I don't know how to live trough this hell
Woken up, I'm still locked in this shell
Frozen soul, frozen down to the core
Break the ice, I can't take anymore

Freezing
Can't move at all
Screaming
Can't hear my call
I am dying to live
Cry out
I'm trapped under the ice

Crystallized, as I lay here and rest
Eyes of glass stare directly at death
From deep sleep I have broken away
No one knows, no one hears what I say

Freezing
Can't move at all
Screaming
Can't hear my call
I am dying to live
Cry out
I'm trapped under the ice

Scream from my soul
Fate, mystified
Hell, forever more
No release from my cryonic state
What is this? I've been stricken by fate
Wrapped up tight, cannot move, can't break free
Hand of doom has a tight grip on me

Freezing
Can't move at all
Screaming
Can't hear my call
I am dying to live
Cry out
I'm trapped under the ice

Mastodon - "Siberian Divide"

Ice god shakes the earth
Destruction of the path
Sinking deeper in the snow
Eating bark with blackened hands
Swollen fingers frozen jaw
Warm teeth wrapped around my wrist
Frostbite eating away at our limbs
Slit the belly brontotherium
Climb towards vermillion snowbank fall
Station of the crosses prayer save all
Chewing bone
Euphoria
Land and sky
Shining skull
Ice field blanket land
Hunted beyond the fray
No direction known
Running with the band
Provisions wearing thin
Avalanche sweeps the land
Starvation setting in
Spilling all that's left
Should've kept the fruits from virgin's vine
Three-horned face
Pillar of red
Evil lives atop my crooked spine
Rosebush current flow
Carmine river go
Solar storms erupt on the sun
Ice fields blanket land
Snow queen
Hypothermia
Ice lips
Hallucination
Ice field blanket land
Hunted beyond the fray
No direction known
Running with the band
Provisions wearing thin
Avalanche sweeps the land
Landscape ebb 'n' flow
Think I felt the end of time
Skulls aglow as crystal shines
And starts to warm the empty climb

Iron Maiden - "Stranger in a Strange Land"

Was many years ago that I left home and came this way
I was a young man, full of hope and dreams
But now it seems to me that all is lost and
nothing gained
Sometimes things ain't what they seem
No brave new world, no brave new world
No brave new world, no brave new world

Night and day I scan horizon, sea and sky
My spirit wanders endlessly
Until the day will dawn and friends from home
discover why
Hear me calling, rescue me
Set me free, set me free
Lost in this place, and leave no trace

Stranger in a strange land
Land of ice and snow
Trapped inside this prison
Lost and far from home

One hundred years have gone and men again
they came that way
To find the answer to the mystery
They found his body lying where it fell that day
Preserved in time for all to see
No brave new world, no brave new world
Lost in this place, to leave no trace

What became of the man that started
All are gone and their souls departed
Left me here in this place
So all alone

Stranger in a strange land
Land of ice and snow
Trapped inside this prison
Lost and far from home

What became of the man that started
All are gone and their souls departed
Left me here in this place
So all alone

Stranger in a strange land
Land of ice and snow
Trapped inside this prison
Lost and far from home

Voivod - "Polaroids"

Hostile white
Blizzard's rage
Crystallized
Frosted Face
The sore shoulders
The weight of days
Haw far to go
In desert snow

Where the wind takes our dreams
Where the scene is unreal

Across the iceland
Enduring fate
The hills of sickness
The cliff of fear
Months of darkness
The loss of time
Only a limelight
Flows in the sky
And every morning
Buried in place
Zombies awaking
And keep the pace
There is no crossroad
Nor choice to make
It's always further
Always ahead

Where the wind steals our dreams
Where yourself is revealed

Hey !

Turning in circles
Our worst nightmare
No more supplies
Nor food to share
All the strength
I've left behind
Would be useful
Now that I die
It doesn't matter
Not anymore
Only a limelight
Flows in the sky
Glows in the sky

Where the wind takes our dreams
Where the scene is surreal
Where the wind steals our dreams
Where yourself is revealed

Who wants to land
On no-man's land?
Who wants to end
On Morgoth land?

And oh man

This is the least-burnt bag of popcorn, ever.

Man, for right now at least

Diet Cherry 7Up is like the greatest thing, ever.

Also, fuck Rex Grossman.

CHICAGO BEAR OF THE DAY

BOB THOMAS

SONG OF THE DAY

Iron Maiden - "Rime of the Ancient Mariner"

Hear the rime of the Ancient Mariner
See his eye as he stops one of three
Mesmerizes one of the wedding guests
Stay here and listen to the nightmares
of the Sea

And the music plays on, as the bride passes by
Caught by his spell and
the Mariner tells his tale.

Driven south to the land of the snow and ice
To a place where nobody's been
Through the snow fog flies on the albatross
Hailed in God's name,
hoping good luck it brings.

And the ship sails on, back to the North
Through the fog and ice and
the albatross follows on

The mariner kills the bird of good omen
His shipmates cry against what he's done
But when the fog clears, they justify him
And make themselves a part of the crime.

Sailing on and on and North across the sea
Sailing on and on and North 'till all is calm

The albatross begins with its vengeance
A terrible curse a thirst has begun
His shipmates blame bad luck on the Mariner
About his neck, the dead bird is hung.

And the curse goes on and on at sea
And the curse goes on and on for them and me.

"Day after day, day after day,
we stuck nor breath nor motion
As idle as a painted ship upon a painted ocean
Water, water everywhere and
all the boards did shrink
Water, water everywhere nor any drop to drink."

[SAMUEL TAYLOR COLERIDGE (1798-1834)]

There, calls the mariner
there comes a ship over the line
But how can she sail with no wind
in her sails and no tide.

See... onward she comes
Onwards she nears, out of the sun
See... she has no crew
She has no life, wait but there's two

Death and she Life in Death,
they throw their dice for the crew
She wins the Mariner and he belongs to her now.
Then ... crew one by one
They drop down dead, two hundred men
She... She, Life in Death.
She lets him live, her chosen one.

[NARRATIVE]
"One after one by the star dogged moon,
too quick for groan or sigh
Each turned his face with a ghastly pang
and cursed me with his eye
Four times fifty living men
(and I heard nor sigh nor groan),
With heavy thump, a lifeless lump,
they dropped down one by one."

[SAMUEL TAYLOR COLERIDGE (1798-1834)]

The curse it lives on in their eyes
The Mariner he wished he'd die
Along with the sea creatures
But they lived on, so did he.

And by the light of moon
He prays for their beauty not doom
With heart he blesses them
God's creatures all of them too.

Then the spell starts to break
The albatross falls from his neck
Sinks down like lead into the Sea
Then down in falls comes the rain.

Hear the groans of the long dead seamen
See them stir and they start to rise
Bodies lifted by good spirits
None of them speak
and they're lifeless in their eyes

And revenge is still sought, penance starts again
Cast into a trance and the nightmare carries on.

Now the curse is finally lifted
And the Mariner sights his home
Spirits go from the long dead bodies
Form their own light and
the Mariner's left alone

And then a boat came sailing towards him
It was a joy he could not believe
The Pilot's boat, his son and the hermit
Penance of life will fall onto Him.

And the ship it sinks like lead into the sea
And the hermit shrieves the mariner of his sins

The Mariner's bound to tell of his story
To tell his tale wherever he goes
To teach God's word by his own example
That we must love all things that God made.

And the wedding guest's a sad and wiser man
And the tale goes on and on and on.

CHICAGO BEAR OF THE DAY

WENDELL DAVIS

two things i am not thankful for

1. Realizing that I have no butter, which kicks ass on pumpkin bread.
2. Realizing that I still don't own a single Tommie Harris trading card.

Two things I am thankful for

1. Deciding to take a peek into the Thanksgiving leftovers they sent me home with and seeing that I got hooked up with a FAT SACK OF PUMPKIN BREAD.
2. Topps's Bowman division, and their wild-eyed, crazy obsession with rookie cards.

Dead Guppies aren't much fun.

Now, I'm down to just the Plecostomus That Wouldn't Die. Stupid fish. Gonna change out about four more gallons of water today, and just let things sit empty for a while until I can buy more water and finish the total water changing process around Friday or so. And while I've always liked them, I'm giving up on putting guppies in there. I've already killed five, and that's more than I need on my conscience. If the algae eater decides to die in the meantime, I might just ditch the heater and go with goldfish, since those are also hard to kill, and new ones go for like a quarter.

Stupid fish. I should just have a tank with nothing but algae eaters and plants. Or maybe some snails.

CHICAGO BEAR OF THE DAY

Doing a lot of these lately...

CEDRIC BENSON (2006 EDITION)

CHICAGO BEAR OF THE DAY

DAN HAMPTON

Goddammit.

I think I'm about to give up on this fish tank thing. Kellen Winslow Jr. bit the dust this morning, and the dalmatian molly followed suit sometime between lunch and me getting home today, and the black molly won't eat or swim in any direction, even if you tap on the glass right next to him, meaning he's probably got a few hours left. The yellow guppy and the algae eater show no signs of any trouble right now, but aside from the black guppy with the mangled tail, neither did any of the other fish I keep killing. With hindsight, I should have just gone with the gangsta-ass Oscar tank, because that way, all the fish would still die, but they'd be going out fighting, instead of just floating.
Keeping fish might be the most depressing and infuriating hobby there is, outside of being a Chicago Bears fan.

r.i.p. black guppy

Bummer, dude. Not sure if I'm gonna go back to PetSmart for a replacement any time soon, but whenever I do go back there, I'm making sure the bitch that butchered his tail and eventually killed him isn't the one who scoops my fish out this time.

Return to the sea, little friend. *FLUSH*

current status

I'm worried about the black guppy. His tail fins got all screwed up somewhere between getting scooped out of the tank at PetSmart and getting dumped out of the bag here, and they seem to look worse every time I check him out. Also, he's just kind of hovering in one spot at the top of the tank most of the time, which is also kind of scary. He is eating though, which is never a bad thing. Everybody else is pretty much kicking ass at not dying, on a more positive note, and the hungry-ass dalmatian molly has cleaned up all the algae disks that the plecostomus won't eat.

CHICAGO BEAR OF THE DAY

DWAYNE SLAY

current status

Added four more fish; a black molly, a dalmatian molly, and a couple more guppies, black and yellow. Decided to feed everybody, and all the new fish ate like crazy. K2 seemed horrified at the entire occurrence, hovering in the back corner and not eating, until the yellow swam up and they were all "aw yeah, you my nigga" and they're all schooling together now. The tank seems pretty segregated, though, with the mollies hanging out on the right and the guppies on the left, with the dalmatian molly running over there and scattering guppies every so often. The mollies appear to be way more gangsta than the guppies, which is troubling, since a molly is like the size of four guppies put together, but they aren't even semi-aggressive, so it should work out okay. Meanwhile, the rubber-lipped plecostomus remains unaffected by the festivites, and is still stuck to the back glass. Hopefully, everybody makes it this time, but I've put in about four gallons of the store-bought good water, so I remain hopeful. The black guppy did get his tail fins all screwed up somewhere in transit, but he did seem to be the hungriest and most active of the three in there, so things look good for now. Stay tuned for further details.

oh man i need this card

Leon Washington thinks you're Number one. So much so that he had to tell you with both hands.

CURRENT STATUS

More than likely due to the ill-advised decision to use tap water and various chemicals, rather than the fancy store-bought stuff from downtown, I'm now down to one guppy. As such, I have decided to go against my normal policy of not giving fish names, (Because man, what if you use up a good name you could have given to a cat or something?) and he will now be known as "Kellen Winslow, Jr.", because he is clearly a fucking soldier. The algae-eater remains as well, but those hit a point where the only way to kill them is with hammers or fire, so he gets no such special treatment for now. Anyway, I bought the good water, and scooped out a little over a gallon of the old stuff, which is something I'll probably do on at least a daily basis for a while. Tomorrow (or later today) I might go to Petsmart to get more fish, because the way K2 swims up and down looking at his reflection in the wall as thought it was another fish is starting to depress me. Also, I got some new fake plants.

"You don't know what I'm up against."

Orson Welles rules. "This is a lot of shit, you know that."

These Charmin Freshmates...

It's like the comfort and superior cleaning power of wiping your butt with a wet washcloth, but without the embarrassing inconvenience of having poopy rags laying everywhere.

Ooh, that's not good...

Got the Transformers the Movie special 20th anniversary edition DVD yesterday, and while the special features are awesome and totally made it worthwhile, there's a huge problem with the whole "widescreen for the first time in 20 years" thing. Check it out:
Full-screen version from disk two:

Widescreen version from disk one:

Notice anything missing? Like perhaps the TOP AND BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN?
Also, the "color correction" job they did on the super-enhanced widescreen version mainly just brightened everything and turned Hot Rod pink. D'oh.
But there's two commentary tracks, so it's all good.

Current Status

Started small on fish tank; three random guppies and a rubber-lipped plecostomus. Plecostomus darted and hid behind heater, possible bad sign; guppies saw floating food and munched like no other, possible good sign. Water temperature approx. 78 degrees.

I know I could have gone big time and gotten some gangsta-ass Oscars or something, but I'm really into peace and harmony amongst fish, so I went with guppies. I'll let those guys flutter around for a while, and if the tank proves survivable, I'll go get some neons or those little frogs something, or possibly a betta, since their brains only fill up with murder when other bettas are around. I thought about those pink kissing fish, but my brother's is like the size of something you could totally eat now, and it's only a ten gallon tank, so that may not be wise. Also, I need more plants and something for nocturnal stuff like the algae eater to hide under.

A work in progress

Coming soon: FISH!

i'm not feeling so good about the bears anymore

It's becoming more and more apparent to me that this team is a 7-9 team that's just had an insanely easy schedule. Things started great, but despite the 7-1 record, the only way they're making the playoffs is because everyone else in the NFC North would be lucky to win 6 games. Stan Grossman's evil twin Rex is back in at quarterback, which means they're back to having a sub-50% passer who crumbles at the slightest suggestion of a hint of pressure, the running game never even got going when they were everyone's pick to have an undefeated season, the defense gives up yards and points like crazy as of late while forgetting how to sack the quarterback, Tommie Harris and Bernard Berrian have all but disappeared, and rookie superstar Devin Hester can't hold on to the ball and has no idea when to just let the punt bounce. Simply put, this is the only team I've ever seen put up 41 points on a bad team and not look very good at all while doing it.
The funny part is that after a way-pessimistic look down the rest of their schedule, they'll still probably go 11-5, at least.

FIRE! WATER! WATER PUTS OUT FIRE!

ACTIVATE THEIR BATTLE BADGES!

My hands are so dry...

That when I put lotion on them, it BURNS.

my insulation is crazy

It's been all cold today, but it always seems to stay a comfortable room temperature in here. But tonight, it finally got a little chilly, so I flipped on my little $19 electric heater and let it run on low while I was in the shower. It is totally warm in here now. Wow. Also, my electric bill this month was like fifty bucks.

And for the final Halloween content

What a nightmare! Who were those guys?

also, thanks to the remnants of my halloween costume

My Tick poster has got THAT MUSTACHE FEELING.

happy halloween, bang bang

oh man oh man oh man

I just came this close to brushing my teeth with generic Ben Gay.

I was gonna wear a halloween costume to work today

But then I realized how bad it would suck to unload pallets of freight while wearing some uncomfortable crap. Think I'll go normal first, then change when I come home for lunch.

Well, cleaned the apartment

Not like totally clean, but at least it's somewhat presentable now. The problem now is that all the dust is stirred up, and I can't stop sneezing. Think I'm gonna go look for an air filter thingy of some sort. I wonder if I have any of those Bed, Bath, & Beyond 20% off coupons anywhere. Also, I'm seriously considering dropping some money on a new bean bag chair and possibly some sort of small (like five gallon) fish tank. Another odd thing is that I did some desk rearranging, since I'm trying to turn all my stuff that's only available on cassette into CDs. So now, I have this desk with a 19 inch LCD flat-panel monitor, a few spindles of things like DVD-R and LightScribe CDR disks, a computer with a 3.0 GHz Pentium 4 processor, and a nearly thirty year old cassette deck. I don't know, there's just something I really like about that.

"HEY MAN, IS THAT FREEDOM ROCK?"

"YEAH, MAN!"
"WELL TURN IT UP, MAN!"

Meanwhile...

Got my jacket back, (the part of me that still has faith in humanity thinks someone grabbed it by mistake yesterday and brought it back, but my brain tells me someone stole it and was stupid enough to wear it to work today and leave it on the same coat rack they stole it from) and I might be getting hooked up with a new job that starts out at like a buck more an hour, and could be as much as 30% less soul-draining than Wal Mart. Also, Bully is awesome.

Good times.

seriously, though, let me put it this way:

Saturday, I got so fed up with work that the only reason I even came back after going home for my lunch break was because I had left my jacket hanging back by the break room. And well, after today's events, THE FUCKING THING ISN'T THERE ANYMORE, IS IT?

I'm totally need to get some kerosene and burn that place down. Argh.

open letter to the guy who stole my jacket off the coat rack at work today

FUCK YOU IN THE ASS.

TAKE A LOOK, IT'S IN A BOOK...

I get bored sometimes.

FAT SALE?

So here's the deal. I'm like 60 pounds lighter than I was earlier in the year, and I can't wear XXL shirts anymore. So if there's any lardos out there who want any of this stuff, drop a comment or something, and maybe something can be worked out, be it through money being exchanged or some sort of trade of other crap. I'm not saying all of this is definitely for sale; I'm just kind of throwing this out there to see if there's any interest. Here's the stuff I can think of off the top of my head, and there might be more:
- An assortment of plain t-shirts. Some new, some old, a couple ringers, maybe a solid color or two. Think I paid like 5 bucks apiece for most of this stuff.
- One Mastodon T-shirt. The "In Search of / Est. 2000" Bigfoot design. Worn a few times, but still pretty good shape. (I think I got it in like January)
- One Anthrax T-shirt. State of Euphoria album cover. Not really worn that much. Almost new. (Got it the same time as the Mastodon shirt.)
- One Marcus Robinson Chicago Bears home replica jersey. Fit huge even when I was still huge, so keep that in mind. Also, it's only been worn maybe five times (because it was too big for me) and cost like $75 when it was new, so if you want this, it's gonna cost you.

Well?

Hey, new blog thingy

Basically, I noticed that I have a whole crapload of CDs. Some I haven't listened to in a long time, and a few that I've barely listened to at all. So I decided to make a way to force myself to listen to all of them, one-by-one, with my thoughts on all of it shared with you, the seven or eight people who stop by this place from time to time. And I know I'm far from a professional music reviewer or even a half-decent amateur music reviewer, but I'll do my best to make this thing have some amount of quality. Perhaps even RESTAURANT QUALITY.

THE CONVERSION PROJECT #2

Hey, last time around I got a record player, so I could finally play records. This time, I spent 35 bucks on an old tape deck, so I could listen to tapes without them sounding like utter poop. Pretty decent one, too. It's almost as old as I am, but it's in good shape, as far as I can tell. It's an old Technics deck from all the way in 81 or so, back before dual cassette, and when tape decks had two microphone inputs and you could hear squealy crap when you rewound or fast-forwarded a certain way. It's not like a zillion-dollar Nakamichi or anything, but hey, it cost someone 200 bucks when I was a year old.
Anywho, I got this one tape a while back from Bobby, one of my old internet homeys who promotes shows down in the New Orleans area, in addition to being master and commander of the good ol' fashioned paper (and in the internet age, that means something) 'zine Paranoize. Anyway, the main things on this particular mixed tape were the albums Innocents by Only Living Witness and Watch it Burn by Cast Iron Hike, and there were also a few songs on the end of side two by some other band I had never heard of. And while the stuff by the other band was pretty awesome, the other stuff on there (particularly Innocents) was like totally awesome, and the extra stuff tacked on at the end kind of got lost in the shuffle as I wore out the tape with what are now two of my favorite records of all time on it while piddling around in my mom's 1993 Ford Tempo. But now, fast-forward to a few days ago. I had decided to pick up a copy of Mastodon's 2005 The Workhorse Chronicles DVD, since they're pretty much my favorite band on Earth at the moment and I had some weird Jones going for anything Mastodon-based. But anyway, Troy Sanders is all talking about the stuff they did before they were Mastodon, and damned if he doesn't mention that he and Brent Hinds had been in Four Hour Fogger. Holy crap, they were the kind of awesome band that I had forgotten about, because Only Living Witness was so totally awesome. I HAVE THEM ON TAPE. So now, here we are, with three and a half songs of theirs. I have no idea when these were recorded or where they came from. They might be demos, there might have been a Cd made, there could have been some vinyl pressed. I just don't know. Aside from the fact that Mastodon's bass and guitar players/dual frontmen were in the band, there seems to be absolutely no information about them on the internet anywhere, and I'm too lazy to go hunt Bobby down and ask. All I do know is that this stuff rocks, except for the fourth song, which would have rocked if the tape hadn't run out. Here you go. (And since this is only a few minutes of stuff, the Jerry Clower album I converted a little while back is still available for download)
POSSIBLY RANDOM FOUR HOUR FOGGER STUFF:
1. Triracial Isolates
2. Victim Eyes
3. Test of Toast
4. (some of) Pita Bread

hahahahahahaha

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d1h71vEQtCM

i just had like seven heart attacks

AND IF I HAD TO BE GAY WITH A MAN, IT WOULD BE DEVIN HESTER.

YAY FOOTBALL.

stupid bears

Seriously.

hey, dvd collection

R U JEALOUSE??

oh man

I think one of my neighbors is listening to "(Anesthesia) Pulling Teeth." Or at least that's what the faint hum through the walls sounds like. Actually, it sounded like someone from upstairs was trying to saw through the floor/ceiling into my apartment earlier, so I hope my through-the-wall noise assessments are incorrect.

My utopian vision.

51% of Americans don't believe in evolution. 36% suspect that 9/11 was a government conspiracy. I bet if we killed that 87% of the population off, we'd have a totally kick-ass country.

With lots of room to move around.

So yeah, I just spent like almost fifty bucks on DVDs.

But now, I have like every Nightmare on Elm Street movie ever. Except Freddy vs. Jason. But still, it's not like that one's going to be out of print any time soon. It will come in due time. But yeah, the new super-special Infinifilm version of the first one, with special features and stuff just came out, and the rest were on sale for $4.88 apiece. What was I to do?

Also, like a week ago, I decided to drop five bucks on a used copy of No More Tears by Ozzy Osbourne, because it just seemed odd that I didn't have it already. And all it did was serve to remind me that there might as well only be one song on there, because the rest of the CD isn't very good. And don't mention "Mama, I'm Coming Home" to me, because I can't be bothered with boring lighter-in-the-air ballads for Sharon Osbourne. Oh well. Totally should have gotten the $5 used copy of The Ultimate Sin instead. Because it's a shot in the daaaaaark, ooooone steeeeepp awaaaayyy from yooooooouuuuu. Yeah.

But while I'm typing, here is a more-than-likely-incomplete short list of songs about Freddy Krueger, in some attempt at chronological order:

S.O.D. - "Man of Your Dreams"
Hirax - "Raging Violence"
M.O.D. - "Freddy Krueger"
Dokken - "Dream Warriors"
Sacred Reich - "Man of Your Dreams"
Fishbone - "Freddy's Dead" (honestly, this one's not really about Freddy at all, but it's the title track for a Nightmare on Elm Street movie soundtrack, so that counts, dammit)

Are there any I've left out?

OH MAN KANGAROOS

So I read the new Achewood today, and it got me all nostalgic to Google Kangaroo sneakers, and HOLY CRAP SOMEONE DECIDED TO BRING BACK KANGAROOS. WALTER PAYTON WORE THOSE. But they're like sixty-five bucks a pair, and that seems a bit much for what appears to be the kind of shoe Reebok and Adidas sell for like thirty bucks less, but with a pocket on the side. But still, POCKETS FOR YOUR KEYS AND CHANGE.

Well, it's official

February: 293 lbs.
This morning: 233 lbs.

At this pace, I might not be a fatass in a few more months.

IF YOUR LOCAL GROCERY STORE HAS HONEYCRISP APPLES

BUY THEM. OH MAN.

what

My impression of every motorhead album review anyone's done for the last 10 years

"There's really nothing new here, but hey, Lemmy is way cool!"

another reason to love blood mountain

Joined a gym today, and put in about an hour and a half on various devices designed to simulate walking and other stuff you do with your legs, but without actually taking you anywhere. And they had little TVs set up on all of them, which was pretty cool, as I don't have cable right now, (and for the record, every time there's a new episode of The Venture Bros. on, you'll find me at the gym now) but after a while, nothing was on, and it got tiresome. So I turned on my newly-acquired, two-year-old MP3 player, freshly stocked with my own MP3 files, including a ton from the new Mastodon album, Blood Mountain. And every time one came on, I had to reset the machine to make it go up a steep incline every time one of those songs would come on, because holy crap, it felt like I was going up a goddamn Blood Mountain. Seriously. It had its drawbacks, however, as when I finally stepped off after a whole hour on the eliptical thingy, I almost fell on my ass in front of a bunch of people, because those machines make your legs stop working. Stupid Mastodon.

Also, note to self: Put "Eye of the Tiger," "The Touch," and some manner of Chris Benoit entrance theme on your MP3 player.

I just bought a guitar

Been thinking about it for a while, and found one of those crappy beginner kits for a good deal today. Fifty bucks off, and the regular price was fifty less than what those things usually cost. And I figured that I had random spending money for a change, so why not? So I got it, and it comes with the guitar, a whammy bar, some extra strings, a few picks, a little practice amp, a battery-operated tuning thingy, a fairly cool bag to put most of it in, and an instructional DVD with one of those dudes who's probably in some will-never-be-known local band but makes a ton of money anyway off instructional DVDs showing you the basics. But after I spent some time with it, watching the video and tinkering around with it for a few hours, I think it serves an entirely different purpose than what was originally intended. I think I just spent $112 on a "your fingers are much too fat to ever properly play a chord, jerk" starter kit.

Fuck.

Maybe I should look for a Dino Cazares guitar instructional video. That guy can play, and his fingers have to be like ten little Grilled Stuft Burritos.

Oh yeah

According to the internet, yesterday was "International Talk Like a Pirate Day." Despite this, no one I encountered in my dealings yesterday (And I do have dealings. So many dealings.) actually spoke to me in a pirate-like manner. Oddly enough, I also never slapped the shit out of anyone yesterday. Something tells me that these two things are somehow related.

I'd like to tell the internet

When forming sentences in the present perfect or future perfect tense, the word to use is "have," not "of." Yes, when someone uses a contraction such as "should've," the second part sounds like "of," BUT IT IS NOT FUCKING "OF."

Also, the letter A does not ever appear anywhere in the word "wrestling," and there is no E at the end of "her."

DID YOU KNOW?

THE CONVERSION PROJECT #1

Since I had the money, I bought a record player today. Actually, I bought one twice. Went to Best Buy, and they had one that was like 15 bucks off for being an open item, (red flag) so I got it. Then, I got it home, hooked it up, and realized that there was a reason it had been opened and returned, and the damn thing didn't play at the right speed. Instead of 33 RPM, it was more like 28 or so. So I took it back with the intention of trading it in for the unopened, full-priced one, and just paying the difference, only to discover that the unopened one also had the 15 bucks taken off for no apparent reason. So I wasted a bunch of time by going for the cheaper one in the first place. But anyway, yeah, I have a record player now. And I don't have many records, maybe ten or so, but a few of them aren't available on CD. So now, I've got the turntable hooked up to the computer, and I'm converting the things to a more modern format, and eventually, I'm going to get around to doing the same with a few cassettes I have.
First up is something I picked up on Ebay for like five bucks earlier this year, that really seemed as though it should have cost more than that. It's the 1971 first album by legendary Southern comedian and Grand Ole Opry star Jerry Clower, entitled Jerry Clower From Yazoo City - Mississippi Talkin.' It was never released on CD, but a few of the tracks, most famously his signature bit, "A Coon Huntin' Story," (You know, the one where he goes, "knock him out, John!") are on a few compilations that have come out over the years. I figure this should make for a nice cleansing of the palate before I convert stuff like that Sacred Reich live bootleg or those Turbonegro 7"s.
Track Listing:
1. Introduction (0:20)
2. A Coon Huntin' Story (7:24)
3. Bully Has Done Flung a Cravin' On Me (2:31)
4. Baby Goes to College (7:08)
5. Homecomin' Steaks! (1:52)
6. The Graduate Returns (8:00)
7. Marcel's Talkin' Chainsaw (3:49)
8. The Chauffeur and the Professor (4:59)
9. Good Citizenship (3:48)

It's all on nine 192 Kb/s mp3 files, all crammed into one 56 megabyte (so don't even bother if you're on dialup) ZIP file.. DOWNLOAD IT HERE. And just remember that whenever I convert something else, this file gets deleted, so if you want it, you better get it now.

Alright, who did it?

Who kidnapped Rex Grossman and replaced him withy an actual NFL quarterback?

SONG OF THE DAY FROM THE HOME OFFICE IN ANTARCTICA

GWAR - "Penguin Attack"

THEY ATTACK
THEY ATTACK

They were born

They are on a rampage
Unleashed from ancient time... TIME!
Stumbling from the ice age
Marching side by side... SIDE!
Beaks of steel are flaming
Women are enraged... RAGE!
Sky of death is flaming
Women get engaged... ENGAGED!... ENGAGED!

They were born of atomic steel
Life and death to them seemed so unreal

Slashing at the ramparts
Hurling tons of shot... SHOT!
Shopping now at Wal Mart
Smoking tons of pot... POT!
They are on a rampage
They were first to fight... FIGHT!
They would write a new page
If they could only write... WRITE!... WRITE!

They were born of atomic steel
They attack
Life and death was so unreal
They attack

C'mon baby, kick 'em in the ding-ding
Trouble on the double's what it b-b-b-b bring bring

They were born of atomic steel
They attack
It's a penguin attack
It's a penguin attack
It's a penguin attack
So get back

They were born of atomic steel
Life and death to them seemed so unreal

They attack.
They attack.

armored phalanxes
Flanking maneuvers (they attack)
A vomiting terror
Gibsons and Hoovers (they attack)
Blasted by fusion
Kicked in the head (they attack)
Just to make sure (they attack)
We've chopped up their dead

They were born of atomic steel
Life and death to them was so unreal

Stumbling from the ice age
They were last in flight... FLIGHT!
They would write a new page
If they could only write... WRITE!
Rumbling from the ice age
They were last in line... LINE!
They would start a new age
If they could just take time... TIME!... TIME!

For a penguin attack
Attack
Attack
Attack
It's a penguin attack
Attack
Attack
Attack
It's a penguin attack
It's a penguin attack
It's a penguin a- (they were born)
It's a penguin attack (they were born)
It's a penguin attack (they were born)
It's a penguin attack (they were born)
An attack
An attack

Uh!

C'mon baby, kick him in the ding-ding
Trouble on the double's what it b-b-b-b-bring bring

They were born of atomic steel
They attack
Life and death was so unreal
They attack

Thigns I think about at 1:58 AM

If you drank, and drank, and drank, until your liver got all screwed, and you got all yellow and jaundiced, would that mean that you couldn't be fucked with by the Green Lantern Corps?

My Stupid Ebay Activities

I won't bore you with the details, but if the post office can get their shit together, a financial windfall, at least by my standards, should be hitting me in short order. And after the car and the student loans are paid off, (don't freak out - It's an almost paid-off $2500 car and like a year worth of Delta State University) I'll have a hefty chunk of disposable income on my hands. So in anticipation of this, I spent some cash on Ebay today. What did I get? A new computer? No. Big screen TV? No. Kickass car stereo? Nope.

I spent 30 dollars for almost every Chicago Bears trading card released by Topps between 1981 and 1990.

By book value, it's a fairly decent deal, but not as good a deal as it would have been if some of the major rookie cards had been included. But of the seven cards left out, I already have the Dan Hampton, Richard Dent, and Doug Flutie rookies, the Willie Gault and Todd Bell rookies could easily be scooped up for like a buck, total, and only the Mike Singletary and Jim McMahon rookies are truly bummers by their absence. And I've already found a place selling the McMahon for like three bucks if I get some sort of crazy McMahon-rookie Jones going. But yeah, the final tally:
177 cards, with no duplicates, all Near Mint/Mint:
Neal Anderson - 3 (RC)
Trace Armstrong - 2 (RC)
Johnny Bailey - 1 (RC)
Brian Baschnagel - 3
Kevin Butler - 6 (RC)
Mark Carrier - 1 (RC)
Jim Covert - 6 (RC)
Ron Cox - 1 (RC)
Richard Dent - 5
Dave Duerson - 4 (RC)
Robin Earl - 2 (RC)
Vince Evans - 2 (RC)
Gary Fencik - 5
Dave Finzer - 1 (RC)
Leslie Frazier - 3 (RC)
Steve Fuller - 1
Willie Gault - 5
Dennis Gentry - 4 (RC)
Dan Hampton - 8
Jim Harbaugh - 3 (RC)
Roland Harper - 1
Mike Hartenstine - 3
Jay Hilgenberg - 5 (RC)
Noah Jackson - 3
Vestee Jackson - 1 (RC)
Lorenzo Lynch - 1 (RC)
Ken Margerum - 1 (RC)
Wilber Marshall - 2 (RC)
Dennis McKninnon - 3 (RC)
Jim McMahon - 6
Steve McMichael - 6 (RC)
Emery Moorehead - 2
Ron Morris - 1 (RC)
Brad Muster - 2 (RC)
Jim Osbourne - 1 (RC)
Alan Page - 1
Bob Parsons - 3
Walter Payton - 21
William Perry - 3 (RC)
Mike Richardson - 2 (RC)
Ron Rivera - 2 (RC)
John Roper - 1 (RC)
Thomas Sanders - 2 (RC)
Terry Schmidt - 2
Mike Singletary - 7
Revie Sorey - 2
Lemuel Stinson - 1 (RC)
Matt Suhey - 7 (RC)
David Tate - 1 (RC)
Bob Thomas - 3
James Thornton - 1 (RC)
Mike Tomczak - 2 (RC)
Keith Van Horne - 1 (RC)
Len Walterscheid - 1 (RC)
Rickey Watts - 3 (RC)
Dave Williams - 1
Otis Wilson - 3 (RC)
Donnell Woolford - 2 (RC)

Also, adding in the random extra stuff the guy threw in with the deal, you get:
Red Grange - 1 (from 1988)
Walter Payton - 1 (1991)
Adrian Peterson - 1 (RC - 2002)
Gale Sayers (1997)
Mike Singletary - 3 (2 from 1992, 1 from 2002)
Brian Urlacher - 2 (2002)

Ho-lee shit.

Reason I Need a New Job #1

I spent ten minutes today having a coworker explain to me why white people needed their own homeland.

I have roaches.

So many roaches. Roaches in the bathroom. Spray does not kill them. Boric acid will kill them. I will go to buy boric acid now, to kill them. The roaches.

Fuck.

TOP 6 OF 2006

I've only bought/downloaded six new albums from 2006, so now that we're 3/4 of the way done, let's see how they stack up:

1. Sepultura - Dante XXI
My second favorite Sepultura album of all time now, and I'm not ashamed to say that. They finally got it right, and it's a bummer that the only good Derrick Green-era Sep album will probably be the last one before they go back to shitty Max Cavalera-fronted nu-metal. Tasteful use of horns, too.
2. Mastodon - Blood Mountain
It was probably impossible to live up to Leviathan, but they lived up to at least 99% of it. Any other year, this would have been my #1 album. Guitar-wankery is annoying, but they manage to do an entire album of nothing but guitar-wankery and make guitar-wankery not suck, while getting all "prog" without thirty-minute songs.
3. Voivod - Katorz
Shit, if this is what they managed to put out with what they had to work with, more bands need to have their guitar players die tragically before they even start recording their albums. My favorite album of theirs since The Outer Limits.
4. Lacuna Coil - Karmacode
You could tell they really wanted to break through and become more of a major mainstream-known band, but thankfully, that didn't really require changing their sound too much. There is sort of a disturbing Ross Robinson production sound going on in points, but if you can get past that, this might be their best album.
5. Iron Maiden - A Matter of Life and Death
This was decent, but definitely didn't live up to any of the "Maiden is back!" hype at all. I found myself enjoying everything I heard, but not being able to recall a second of it once the album had ended. Still, a mediocre Maiden album is equivalent to a pretty good album from someone else.
6. Body Count - Murder 4 Hire
You know, it's been all downhill since the first BC album, but I still liked Born Dead and Violent Demise, and I've been looking forward to this album ever since the first time they said a new Body Count album was "coming soon," in like 1999. But aside from a few brief moments, mainly on the two instrumentals, this album sucks shit like no other. Like it takes a big fat shit in a bucket and passes out straws. God damn, son.

Reign in Blood isn't that good.

There, I said it. The whole album is like 28 minutes long, and it still manages to have like 7 songs of filler. I mean, when was the last time you ran to the stereo, thinking, "holy crap, I sure would love to hear 'Altar of Sacrifice!'" There was no last time, because no one's ever said that goddamn sentence before! It's like the whole reputation of the album is based on the fact that all the songs kind of run together and that you don't have to listen to it for very long. Isn't that something you usually make fun of an album for? Whoopty-freakin'-doo. It's not the greatest heavy metal album of all time, it's not the greatest heavy metal album of 1986, and it's not even the best Slayer album of the 1980s. And Slayer never has been very good. Except for Seasons in the Abyss. But still.

I got that grape drink, y'all.

Shit is purple, son.

Open letter to the dog that peed on my new phonebook before I got it inside

Fuck you, too.